Mum is on borrowed time. What do I do when she dies?

[Twinklyfaerieglade]

My mum has been on borrowed time for quite a while. She is 88, not eating, barely drinking and the GP is astonished she is still alive, but says we are looking at a very few days now.
She is still at home thanks to brilliant support from careers, the GP and my dad. Dad has just asked me who he phones if she dies tonight. Obviously I said me, but he then spoke about 999. Clearly 999 isn't appropriate as they cannot do anything for her but who do I notify? Do I phone out of hours?

Not 999. Bumping for you as someone will know but AFAIK for an expected death just ring her GP in the morning, not an out of hours call. So ringing you when it happens sounds right.

I'm so sorry.

There we are, looks like I'm wrong and it should be an out of hours call to the gp age uk page here

I am sorry this is happening, my father passed away recently and my mum was given a checklist. I have found something similar for you to look at which I've included below. There is a section regarding what to do in the first five days in there.

[https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/what-do-when-someone-dies-checklist]

I hope the link works. Be kind to yourself.

[www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/what-do-when-someone-dies-checklist]

I'm sorry that you're facing this. There's a guide on the Which website that may be useful. The out of hours GP is your first phone call.

Ring 111, they should send an out of hours doctor over, or if it's close to morning he can hold on for the GP.

This has quite clear advice www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/legal-issues/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/

Hope that it's peaceful for all of you

Thank you all so much. The links are brilliant

I am so sorry you and your dad are facing this. I hope your mum has a gentle drift into death, it sounds as though she will slip away peacefully and comfortably, surrounded by love , which is what we all hope for.

Again thank you for all the lovely messages. She had a DNR put onto her medical notes 10 years ago so we know that is her wish. I have just shown this thread to my dad who was so touched and although very sad is reassured he knows what we need to do.

If she has a DNAR at home your DF can call 111 an out of hours gp will certify death and you can then phone a funeral director of your choice who will collect your mum from home and take her to a chapel of rest.
If 999 are called she will be taken to hospital where a dr will certify there.

for you and your dad twinkley

Don't forget to keep eating and drinking. Even small amounts will help as it's very easy to forget at times like this.

Am so sorry to read this - others have given great advice. Is your Dad sitting up with your mom or is he able to rest too? My understanding is that the sense of hearing is one of the last to go, does your mom have any favourite pieces of music that may be comforting to have in the background (it also takes the pressure of a "silence" or the need for you or your Dad to be talking to her all the time (of course that may well be what you want to do)... One of my close relatives died recently and she appeared to be holding on much more than we thought - on the last night we dimmed the lights and put on one of her favourite albums and she peacefully slipped away a few hours later. I have no idea if it made any difference to her but I'd like to think so. Thinking of you

If you can go over maybe suggest he just calls you. When she passes you don't have to do anything immediately if you don't want to. After my lovely mum passed at home we spent some time just sitting with her before we felt the need to call anyone. That time was precious as she was at peace in her bed at home and it allowed us each to hold her hand and say our goodbyes.

Thinking of you

One thing I wish I'd been able to do with my dad was dab his lips with his favourite tipple (whiskey in his case but anything they love, tea, wine, gin). We did sit round the bed, talking about things, even laughing about old anecdotes and I'm so pleased we did. It's utterly hideous watching someone you love die, but I'm so glad I did with both my parents.

Difficult times. I believe you now know what to do thanks to earlier posts.
It's disappointing that you don't have a maria curie nurse or similar to care for your mum in these last few days, and to be with your dad, who must also be elderly and distressed. Is he alone with your mum over night ? i would stay or arrange for another family member to stay so you or they can support him. When my passed away it was 5am , my brother and I were with dad and we just spent a while talking to each other and looking after mum until the doctor came at around 8.
We'd already made tentative funeral arrangements somwe contacted them and they sort of took over from there with excellent care and advice.
It sounds weird but try to relax and see it as an inevitable part of a circle. As you say you're mum is old and very ill. She will soon be out of her discomfort.
Sending you best wishes x

Twinklyfaerie am just posting to hope everything is as peaceful as it might be, wherever you are in this stage of losing your mum. I've been there, sitting with someone and not knowing when they will go (but knowing they will, very soon).

Sending you best wishes, too. x

I am totally taken aback by the lovely advice and support I am getting on here. It is easing my very sore heart.

Mum was even worse today. It's slightly hard to process how she is still here. She has been ill for 40 years, housebound and completely immobile for 20, only leaving the house once in that time (her granddaughters funeral) she had to travel in an adapted ambulance.

The GP has been fabulous, coming a minimum of every two weeks and extra if needed. We don't have Marie Curie etc but mum has never taken any "drugs" throughout the whole 40 years and even today begged me not to put on her morphine patches. She has had them for a month or so and they do help so I did put them on.

Thank you for the information about hearing. Me, dad,and when he is available my brother, all talk to her. She does have background music, though that was never her thing.

Everyone on on this thread has shown kindness that has overwhelmed me. In RL I am the toughie, sort it all out family member. Inside I feel very sick. Is that normal?

Dad said today he thought she would see Christmas. She is so indomitable anything is possible but I struggle to see how someone whose body is a skeleton with a thin layer of skin can last that long. Impossible to say how much she weighs but at a guess 3-4stone. Her shoulders are about 12 inches wide and her legs 2 inches diameter.

It is so helpful to be able to write all of this. RL friends and family are great but I just can't tell them everythingof. It would distress them too much

Thank you x

@Twinklyfaerieglade huge hugs, I was where you are 11 weeks ago when I lost my mum, only to lose my dad too last week. It's heartbreaking, I hope you and your dad are both managing xx other posters are right, you call a doctor or a district nurse if your mum has one? Then a funeral home to collect mum. I really feel for you. Please pm me if you have any questions or just want to talk

I'm sorry you are facing this Twinkly. It takes a lot of strength to be with someone as they are dying; but it is the most important thing you can do for them.

Here is the information you wanted about who to call;

nafd.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions-bereaved-people-england-wales/

and I hope you don't mind but this Roman Catholic website contains information you may find helpful

www.artofdyingwell.org/losing-loved-one/

Sending lots of love to you and your dad and I hope your mother's last hours are peaceful x

I called the district nurses and they came to confirm which allowed me to arrange the funeral directors for my mum. to all x

I just wanted to stop by and hold your hand virtually for a bit.

My DF has been very ill for some years now. I keep thinking we are at the end and then we're not. It's a very strange place to be x

A few things you can do in advance, though it may feel morbid.

1. If you are planning a church service, you could speak to the vicar/priest about this. They may recommend a funeral director who they work with often.

1. You might phone the funeral director. It will give you some idea of costs and processes, but also a chance to gently discuss some of the choices with your mum. (What is your favourite hymn/piece of music etc) Discussions with funeral directors tend to end up as a series of choices, not easy when you are emerging from a period of caring then recent bereavement.

1. Find out where you need to register the death, and parking. The latter is important, especially if it is in a town you don't know.

1. Clothes. This was an odd one for me when my dad died. My mother is quite formal so would have expected me to wear something black and smart. If I had thought ahead I would not have been tearing around town just after my dad's death trying to find something. I ended up in a small posh boutique where they were lovely but spending three of four times more than I wanted on an outfit I will never wear again, as it is way too black and formal. (My mum liked it though - and she never likes what I wear.)

1. Lists of friends to phone/inform.

1. Lists of banks accounts and pensions to inform as soon as you get the death certificate. Easier than sorting out overpayments later. Look into how you can keep a small float for the funeral etc before accounts are frozen, or pay chosen funeral director in advance?

I am sorry. This is awfully morbid. I hope things are peaceful.