How do you cope with the nastiness?

[MrsGrindah]

My Dad is becoming a nasty bitter old man. I love him so much and I know he's missing my Mum but he is becoming so nasty it's wearing me down. My worry is my Grandad was just like it when he was widowed and it nearly broke my parents and I can see the same thing happening to me. I try to remain stoical and cheerful but it hurts.Any tips?

My DM is absolutely vile to me at the moment. She's always been pretty hard on me but she's on a different level now. She has a lot on her plate and isn't coping well with it but it's very difficult dealing with the constant criticism and histrionics.

My DM has gradually fallen out with all but one of her friends due to her nastiness. She however doesn't acknowledge that she could have been at fault, and constantly talks about her silly her friends are that they no longer want anything to do with her (some of them have been friends for 60 years). The one friend she does have also has dementia, and also had a recent stroke. I can't believe how she tolerates my mum's rudeness towards her, and I can only think that her own dementia means that she doesn't necessarily always understand it.

Gosh, this thread has resonated. Placemarking to participate later

It is hard but it's also easy not to realise how much our bodies deteriorate as we age - not just the outside but inside as well. So, for example, our nervous system just does not connect the way it used to and this must be the same with our thinking, behavioural and perhaps even belief systems too. Often older people are completely unaware of this degeneration.

I think the answer is not so much to challenge behaviour [this is seen as dangerous in dementia patients] but to accept the way our relatives are today and to accept that this is just another [albeit difficult and sad] stage of life the same as the way that toddlers and babies behave is a different stage of life.

This is painful as difficult elderly relatives are not where we would want them to be but maybe they are not where they want to be either and that's probably painful too.

I use Mumsnet for gossip and fun usually but the comments on here have been so helpful. I'm assuming my mum has dementia when in fact it (the personality change) may just be natural ageing, I'm not sure which is worse to be honest. I won't even know what the memory consultant says as she won't let me go with her as she says I'm wishing dementia on her!

SoConfused my mother is the same too, I'll be telling her something important, l
About an illness or exam results etc and she doesn't listen, she just is waiting to interject with something random

rizle that's certainly good for thought, thankyou

This is an old thread, I know, but it's been so helpful to read. My mother is very angry with the world and dumps all that anger on me. Commiserations to everyone in the same boat.

It's horrid. It really is.
I've been coping by stepping back
I only go 2-3 times a week to mums now not everyday
I don't phone unless she texts/phones me
We had a big argument a few weeks ago and she's unhappy that I told her a few home truths
Her health is deteriorating but she is in total denial about it
She is going to Ireland for 2 days to see her sister who has had a stroke on 24th so that'll be a break for me!
I wish I had answers 😔
I just koko I suppose

So glad I found this thread. My mother (87) has been out of hospital for a month; to make life easier for her and me (I live 50 miles away), I have paid for a live in carer. Mum now insists she will manage on her own. The poor carer committed the terrible sin of rearranging the kitchen cupboards. I dread going to see her, she just complains all the time, and I know she won't manage on her own.
She shouted at me this week because I had moved something. I have a horrible feeling it might be the start of dementia.

Orchard

The carer doesn't sound very sympathetic. Why would you rearrange someone's cupboards? Especially a vulnerable persons?

I did say that she might want to sort out the kitchen. And it did need a good clean. I'll put everything back where it was when she goes. I thought mum would like someone looking after her!