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Elderly parents

So my Dad just caused an awful situation.

9 replies

Alfieisnoisy · 28/08/2017 12:19

My Dad has dementia...early stages but definitely noticeable. Mum is finding life increasingly hard with him as his personality has changed in some ways. He says things he would never have done at one time. He behaves oddly at times but is still allowed to drive although is due reassessment again soon.
Anyway we went to a family get together yesterday and one of his granddaughters (my niece) had her boyfriend there. Her boyfriend has a name which is traditional in Jewish families although he isnt Jewish. However my Dad got that thought in his head and couldnt shift it althoigh my Mum explained again and again that no he wasn't Jewish. Even if he was it's no issue.

When he arrived Dad was introduced to my niece's boyfriend and stared really hard at him before saying "I am just looking to see if you have a big nose". To say the room went silent is an understatement and the poor lad didn't know what to say. My Mum tried to cover it all up with "what are you on about?".

Mortified that he said something so offensive as that just isnt the Dad I know. He would never have done anything like this in the past.

My Niece was just devastated but has managed to explain to her lovely boyfriend that her grandad has Alzheimer's and says odd thibgs sometimes. Her boyfriend was fine about it but we are all shell shocked today as it shows how much my Dad's personality is changing.

Don't know why i am posting as nothing can be done about the event yesterday. I just needed to write it down and in a place where other's might have experienced similar situations.

Am expecting Dad and Mum round shortly. Mum wabted to take Dad to task about it all but it seems when she does gently suggest that he rethink stuff it causes an argument.

Had a chat with her about brain changes affecting personality etc

Not sure i can do much else except be there to listen.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/08/2017 12:22

I think you're right; all you can do is make sure he keeps his appointments and that you support your mum as much as possible. It's always really distressing to witness changes like this in a parent - please don't think he must have been like that naturally. The disease is so terrible and just changes their personality and character so much.

Sparkletastic · 28/08/2017 12:45

Really don't make a big deal of it. Taking him to task is not appropriate at all. Is everyone in the family educated about Alzheimer's? I'm sure some momentary embarrassment for the boyfriend is just a small thing in the bigger picture of what your dad is having to cope with.

annandale · 28/08/2017 12:53

It sounds like your mum would really benefit from some more support. Stuff like this will keep happening. What positive things happened? What will make sure that she doesn't stop going out and getting isolated for fear of other people's feelings? Do you need to start warning people beforehand that dementia is a factor rather than apologising after? Agree that telling him off is pointless, distraction is the key maybe?

dumbledore345 · 28/08/2017 13:06

Sadly this kind of thing is very common among dementia sufferers. They lose their sense of inhibition and make all kinds of comments about people's appearance and background. Since most were children of the 20s, 30s and 40s many of their comments reflect the attitudes prevalent at that time.

There are drugs which can slow down the rate of decline in some cases. Would your DF visit the GP?

Allthebestnamesareused · 28/08/2017 13:11

My friend's otherwise lovely Mum, in the later stages of dementia, asked her black doctor if he had come over as a slave!!! My friend was mortified. The doctor was lovely about it.

orzal · 28/08/2017 13:12

Well your dad can't help what he is saying. He's not doing it on purpose. So there's not much point in your mum discussing this type of situation with your dad. It's sounds as if you are a great support to your mum.

Hannahbaker · 28/08/2017 13:22

He can't help it.

I have a relative who was diagnosed with dementia about 10 years ago (so it is now pretty advanced). Relative was in no way a racist (lived in a multicultural area for 20+ years, many close black and Asian friends) yet as their dementia advances they come out with numerous racist comments, especially to their (black) nursing staff . To their credit they completely understand he doesn't mean it. Dementia is a horrible disease; he would be appalled if he knew what he was saying.

Alfieisnoisy · 28/08/2017 14:41

Thanks all, have spoken to my sister about it this morning and she says that my niece's boyfriend was fine. He actually liked Dad and was laughing after Dad left about it all.

More support needed for my Mum definitely.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 28/08/2017 14:46

There's a board on MN for people with elderly parents, you might find some support for you there too.

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