My Mum never asks, enquires, seems interested in my life

[paganmolloy]

She will ring me up to tell me stuff as soon as she hears about it e.g. my brother dropped in for a visit or other brother called and he is doing such and such, that an old friend phoned her. She will also say 'other things to tell you' and it will be really mundane stuff as she works her way through the list she keeps, just to tell me. She will never ask about what I'm up to. Best example is when I get back from holiday and ring her. First thing she says, every time "Is that you back? Nice time?" then it's bang, straight into what information she can give me about anything.

I have to say, though, that lack of interest is generally preferable to excessive, critical interest. When my mother does take an interest in (say) where we bought furniture, it's generally with a view to telling me that that's the wrong place to buy it, it'll be terrible quality and we should have gone to the place where she bought hers.

My mothers only interest in me is what I can do for her.
She is a frail, elderly narcissist and now lives in my house because of her self neglect.
I have no brothers or sisters and used to worry about being left with her if my dad died first - he died over twenty years ago.
Ive had to prop her up emotionally, and now physically, all my life.
I'm worn out with it.

Mine's the same. I think I know why - she spends all day listening to the radio, what she lacks is someone to talk to. She's interested, but her need to talk is more urgent, so she doesn't listen to what I say, but hurries to tell me what she wants to say. I write down what I've been doing, and she reads it eagerly once I've gone, and talks about it next time we meet.

It's not narcissism, it that when you're on your own and not able to get out much, it's easier to fill the gap of "someone talking to you" than the gap of "someone for you to talk to".

This sounds exactly like my mum.

She isn't lonely - she works with a big group of women every day and sees friends and her boyfriend at the weekend. She ACTIVELY shows no interest in me. Whenever I mention I've been on holiday, for example, or been in a performance she responds with "yeah yeah, we saw on facebook" or just changes the subject. She doesn't act like this with my brothers though. She shows great interest in them, their lives and their partners. Me, I am pond scum in my family.... I just learnt to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and spend time around people who do care and are interested in you and your life.

Another one saying me too.
I have cancer but she never asks how I'm getting on, how hospital appointments went, scan results ..not interested.
But if it's about her health, tablets not agreeing with her, pain in her side, whatever, then I can have the hour long version or may be if I'm very lucky the two hour one. Or perhaps I haven't heard about the antics of the squirrels in the garden? Or the neighbours building work?
But me or my family. No, just cuts straight across what I'm saying in her rush to trump me with her news.

Yes this is me talking to dad:
'Went on holiday last week- climbed Snowdon, it was exhausting '
Dads reply 'oh really- talking of exhausting I've just been into town..' you get the idea.

MIL v similar- I'd have to make up something really dramatic or she just pauses and carries on with her own story.

Ho hum. They're not going to change now..

Yes, same here. No interest at all in any of us. Come son is golden child “the daughter I never had.”

My mum will only talk to me unless I talk to her but I am quite and she knows that sometimes i just don't talk because i like to keep to myself but won't talk to me herself but I will talk to her all the time she goes off in a mood because I am not talking or tells people I am not talking to her

I can relate to this.

we arrived back from 3 weeks holiday to sad news that a neighbour had tragically been killed in a car accident.

We went to tell my mum who when told this sad news replies with ‘and breads gone up 4pence in the coop!’

🤷🏼‍♀️

Me - am a bit nervous, I've got to give a presentation to c100 people at work tomorrow. My mum - face to face or Zoom? Me well Teams actually. Her - well when i do my insert hobby) meeting blah blah blah.

This is the woman who, when i said I was nervous of flying said well at least if there is a crash you will all (me husband and child) all die together.

MIL was exactly the same. One of the children fell out of a tree, and came in, screaming her head off, with blood running down her shin. MIL didn’t even stop talking to draw breath!

We went to Africa for 3 weeks. DH rang her up, to say we had got back safely. All she talked about for an hour, was how DH’s sister had bought a trailer tent!

All we ever heard about was our nephew and nieces - she never wanted to hear about our DC! Apparently, it was exactly the same for DH’s sisters - all they ever heard about was our DC!

When you’re old and spending a lot more time in your house, and don’t have a partner, there’s no problem with finding people to talk to you- just turn on the radio. What you lack is people to talk to, people to pass on information to.

When you’re juggling job, family, elder care, it’s easy to recognise that your life is difficult. But being alone, no status, no purpose in life, no-one’s priority, steadily losing all your capabilities, and no hope that it will ever get better, is difficult in a different way.

When you’re old and spending a lot more time in your house, and don’t have a partner, there’s no problem with finding people to talk to you- just turn on the radio. What you lack is people to talk to, people to pass on information to.

I knew MIL for 35 years, from when she was about 60, and she was like it then. According to all her children, she had been like that all her life!

My Mum will go to her grave knowing nothing about the sort of person I am, at least that’s how it feels to me. Now she’s very frail and elderly and my time is spent taking her from one medical appointment to another. I’m so drained by it and I do it out of obligation and expectation then get weighed down by the guilt of feeling that way. I’m of the opinion that her upbringing was so patriarchal that anything I do is of no consequence and that she may also be on the spectrum as certain red flags are becoming more apparent as she gets older and the benefit of hindsight shows that these red flags were always there.

Yup, sadly my mum is just the same and since Dad died a few months ago it’s just highlighted how self absorbed she is.
I used to think she was a narcissist but found a brilliant book on emotionally immature parents and it’s her to a t.

I know it’s her not me but it hurts so much.

Elderly Parents/Parents-in-law

I know this is an old thread, but it is a very common situation for a lot of people, especially those of us that are into our golden years ourselves.

My parents never had the slightest interest in me or my life, whatsoever. I lived in the Middle East for three years and again, when I came back for short visits, they never asked me what it was like living there, what I was doing with myself, nothing, whatsoever. I just felt so deflated. I stopped bothering saying anything and my parents, especially my mother, would just complain about everything because she was so miserable. That is the key here, when a person has nothing in their life and doesn’t make any effort with anyone, then they’re not going to be interested in you because they are jealous.

Mum died two years ago and it was traumatic and since then, I have had power-of-attorney for my elderly father who has no interest in life and has dementia. I have done everything to make him as comfortable as possible, he is now in a care home because he can’t walk and had a lot of health problems. When I visit, he is just rude to me and sarcastic and it just upsets me. I manage all his medical and financial affairs and it causes me so much stress because of inefficiencies and confusion and complications. I get far more messages about his health than I do my own and it is hard to keep on top of it because in the UK, I get so many text messages from so many different NHS numbers and so many letters coming into my account that are about him or about me, but it doesn’t always specify. Aaarrggghhh

I am about to be a grandmother myself and that is my focus going forward. Some people just don’t care about you regardless of who you are and how you are connected to them. My husband‘s been telling me for years, Babe, why bother, why do you keep getting upset when you know nothing will ever change! He is right but I say to him, how would you like it if your Dad was like that? He just says, well he’s not is he.

Where is the empathy here? My in-laws are lovely people and they are nice to me and it is so refreshing and that’s why I gravitated towards them early on and have a good relationship.

When my children were much younger, my Mum used to say, oh you’re always going round there, to them, you’re always going there at Christmas blah blah blah (to my in-laws). One day I said, that’s because they want us there, that’s because they invite us, that’s because they care about us and she had absolutely nothing to say.

So after many years of soul searching and pain and hurt, I realised that I just need to invest my time and energy into the people that bother with me, into the people that reciprocate and appreciate my kindness and my efforts.

I get this with my elderly MIL. If I volunteer stuff it seems to get dismissed or minimised, I also get kind of gaslighting comments. Together with a side helping of negativity

For example I mentioned DS had finished his GCSE exams and had worked hard was told 'everyone is the same' and 'hope he doesn't just sleep in now' which is a common kind of thing, it is always everyone has that, os she has it worse.

Similar. I’m still waiting for her to enquire about a holiday I went on at Easter. Nothing major just a „did you have a good time“ would be nice.

Me too. I’m used to it now but it particularly hurts that she never asks about DS, her only grandson. She’s self absorbed and there is no room in her life for anyone but her really. Looking back there never has been.

MIL is the same - she will be talking about people we don't know (eg her hairdressers sons girlfriend) and are never going to know.

Dad will ask a bit but not really listen. He has a talent for turning the conversation round to one of his niche interests within the a sentence.

Both more interested in the grandchildren than dh or i.

@devilinme this sounds so tough for you.

A relative used to be like this, would never ask about me or my family or even how I am, i think its loneliness and the need to talk. Though you'd think it would be the opposite though, I find other people fascinating.

Yes set in ways. All about them. My sister goes on hols would never be asked did you enjoy! Ah quite draining at times

Old thread but this near the start caught my eye:

But then goes on to say how the weekends drag for her

I assume the author works in the week and has the weekend off? I used to get this line from my mum, no reason why the weekend in particular would drag for her except that she knew I wasn’t committed elsewhere so my time should be hers.

It could also be that at weekends other people are less available. Mine complains about time dragging at weekends and bank holidays, but it’s because the majority of people
she spends time with are more hands on grandparents/ interested and involved in their families and often see them at weekends.

And the lunch club type activities that break up the weekdays don’t happen at weekends.

Completely identify with a comment up thread that their only interest in me is what I can do for them!