I'm so not cut out for being a carer

[notaflyingmonkey]

Elderly mum with dementia, recently had a long spell in hospital due to bleed on brain. As part of the package of care with discharge she has for a few weeks four carers a day to ensure she eats and takes meds. However, everything else is down to me - shopping, cleaning, washing up, etc. The biggest issue seems to be that she doesn't accept the level of change in her abilities eg she is now incontinent, but doesn't believe she is, and so won't wear the pads. So guess who has to wash her clothes each night. I know I am a bitch to say it, but I will freely admit I am not a nice person. I'm tired (work full time, commute, have my own house and family). And we have never had the best of relationships anyway. The worst thing is she will probably outlive me at this rate.

Feel free to judge me, I just needed to vent.

It is bloody tough going. If you find the solution let me know. I have no idea how carers manage it. I have no problem with incontinence (either kind) or any other body fluids - and that surprised me when I first had to deal with it. My real challenge is patience. I just don't have it. It's such a slog.

The care workers are accused of hiding her stuff, mixing her drugs, lying to her, and they smile and remain pleasant and just get on with it. All for minimum wage. I get angry on their behalf.

My mum says nobody tells her anything, and get huffy. She gets told stuff repeatedly, but immediately forgets what she's been told. Which I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the attitude that I get with it. I've just taken her to the GP and whilst I try to let her answer questions for herself, I have to step in and answer things quite often. She then accuses me of colluding with the doctors against her.

My head is splitting with it all.

I suspect the answer may be gin olly. But have these for now and thank you for the empathy .

It's really hard. If you look online for Carers Trust there might be a local support group near to you, they can also advise on other issues like benefits, care funding etc.

Not a it is really tough. You are doing so much. Vent away- lots of folk here hear you. The suggestion of looking got support for you is a good one. and

Thanks all x

I feel your pain! My Mum lived very close to my sister, who bore the brunt of the caring. When I thanked her for all she did for Mum she replied that she was sure I'd have done the same if I'd been local. I wish I could say that was true but I know I'd really have struggled.

I found 'the selfish pig's guide to caring by Hugh Marriott really useful. Most of us are human, not saints, and it was useful to have some of those darker emotions like resentment acknowledged.

I got absolutely soaked tonight sorting out my mums meds, putting out her bins, etc. And brought home another load of shit soaked clothes to put through the wash, despite the fact that i hardly have any clean clothes for myself for work tomorrow. It's not the incontinence that bothers me so much as her refusal to acknowledge it, and wear the pads I buy for her.

I have ordered that book, thanks @needmoresleep.

Ordered. Thanks, NeedMoreSleep

You know what makes me feel worse? DSis looked after my dad for almost a year as he slowly died from throat cancer. My dad was bloody hard work before he was sick. Ten times worse when he was ill. He'd also had strokes so mobility and communication issues. She had two young kids at the time. She took him in to live with her.She never complained despite the fact I'm sure the stress is the reason her marriage broke up shortly after our dad died.

After about 20 minutes I'm wishing I was somewhere else and watching the clock for the next carer to come in. Every day I promise to myself that I'll be better and every day I fail. We only have a few months left and I'm wishing them away. How awful is that.

Oh olly. Be kind to yourself.

that's not awful Olly that's just being honest. Who in their right mind would chose this as a pasttime? I am the same - my mum has most conversations on repeat loop 'what day is it' etc, and I would defy anyone not to have gritted teeth after five minutes of that.

God help me if I get to that point myself.

It is such a slog, especially if your parent was a difficult personality to begin with, made more so by age and infirmity. The longrunning caring for elderly parents thread is a great place to vent in a supportive environment.

Come back and say what you thought of the book. I read it about four years ago, when I was near the bottom and always on the verge of ranting, crying if I was not catatonic. I loved the chapter on dealing with professionals. In my experience some are really lovely but others simple have no idea of what family members are going through.

I also read Oliver James' Contented Dementia which is a bit of an odd book but which gave me some useful insights and tips. Especially the idea of emotional memories lingering and so people with dementia having three moods "green" "amber" and "red", and the need to keep them in, or steer them towards the green zone, by being alert to triggers and comforters. When my mum is red she is very red, and when I first moved her she was in the red zone for months, essentially flailing like a wild animal in distress. Even small things like taking her a gift of a packet of biscuits puts her in the right mood, which can then be maintained.

Happy to hear of other books or resources people found useful.