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Elderly parents
Original poster

Care for elderly mother

25 replies

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/08/2017 09:50

DM is 86, partially sighted and has trouble walking, although she's improved a lot since she got a trolley. She can't be bothered to cook for herself and doesn't eat properly, she says she feels sick when she tries to eat. She's seen the doctor and they can't find anything so I think it could be psychological.

I spoke to her last night and asked if she would eat if someone went in and cooked the meal for her and, while she didn't say a definite yes, she was open to the idea and I've now contacted a care agency to come in to have a chat with a view to coming in 3 or 4 times a week so I know she's eating properly those days.

When I mentioned this to someone I work with, she told me she thinks I should be doing it and I should go in every night after work. I'm happy to do a few nights, but I really can't do all. I don't have a family but I do do things after work and I want something in place for when I go on holiday.

The other reason I wasn't planning on someone going in every night is so that DM feels that she has some independence. She's a very private person and isn't good at accepting help. She can still make herself a dinner, albeit a microwave meal, and I don't want her thinking I'm taking everything away from her.

I'm trying to do the best for everyone, but I feel as though I can't do anything right.

I'm not sure why I'm actually posting this but it helps to write it down. Sorry it's long and rambling and please be gentle with me as I'm feeling shit enough as it is Sad

OP posts:
thesleepingdogsarelying · 01/08/2017 09:55

I am not in this position yet, but will be soon I expect (DP are 83 & 84). I would ignore your work colleague - you have a right to life (and indeed won't be able to help your DM if you are stressed and unwell). What you are proposing sounds fine to me and provides a good balance of your care and professional carers.

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/08/2017 10:52

Thanks sleeping. It's already starting to affect me and I just feel as though she's more likely to listen to someone other than me. She doesn't need personal care yet, just help with meals. I can't help thinking that I'll be seen as nagging, while someone else will be encouraging her!

My work colleague told me that even though she has a family she would do it for her DM which made me feel even worse! I might not have children waiting for me, but I do want to spend some time with my husband!

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 02/08/2017 18:17

Your colleague should mind her own business. Not her place to judge.

EssaysOfElia · 02/08/2017 18:35

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty. It can be really hard to maintain your relationship as mother and daughter if you do everything for your mum.
And you are right that it will be much easier for her to accept more help, especially for personal care assistance if your mum becomes used to help with meals from an outsider first.
Don't worry about what your colleague says, do what is best for you and your mum.

paddypants13 · 02/08/2017 19:10

I've just started work as a domiciliary support worker and honestly I think it's a great idea to get some support for your mum.

You have the right to a personal life and you cannot care for and support someone else without taking care of yourself first. What would happen if you had a bad cold you didn't want to pass onto your mum for example? Also, if there comes a time when your mum needs help with personal care she will already know and trust her carers. The other advantage is carers are often up to date on the equipment and additional support available for your mum if/when her needs change.

thesandwich · 03/08/2017 20:03

Ignore your colleague. Great points by paddy about getting her to accept the idea of care before she needs personal care. Many of us on this board aim to facilitate care and then spend time positively with dp's taking them out etc. Nod and smile at your colleague. Her stuff not yours.

FadedRed · 03/08/2017 20:10

It's very easy to say "Oh, I'd go in every day" when it's not you who has to do it IYSWIM. It's a very good idea to get your DM used to having carers coming in to help with meals/housework, so that if she then needs more personal care as she gets older, it is not a new thing for her. It's also nice for her to see someone other than you some days.
Please take care of yourself, as DM could be around for many more years and need more help, it's so easy to burn out trying to care for an older person.

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/08/2017 20:49

Thank you all. I felt like a really shit daughter when she said that but I also spoke to a couple of other ladies in the office who have been in the same situation and they completely understood why I can't do it.

We had a meeting with a care agency tonight and DM has agreed for them to go in three days a week to make her dinner. She's not happy really, which I understand, but she thanked me for sorting everything out.

DH is amazing with her. He's been through it all with his Mum so he's guiding me.

My big worry now is whether she's going to eat on the days the carer doesn't come in!

OP posts:
Lunde · 03/08/2017 21:33

Is it possible for the carer to make double (or more) portions so that she can microwave the other portion the next day.

Also are you in a position to freeze her some home cooked meals when you are making dinners she likes - so even if she has a microwave dinner its home-cooked. We used to freeze roast dinners and homemade soup etc for my mum.

Venusflytwat · 03/08/2017 21:41

Could you go round one or two nights a week and cook and eat with her?

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/08/2017 22:01

She wouldn't like the food we eat, she's very fussy - she thinks pasta is a fancy food! She's been having Wiltshire Farm Foods delivered but she's not keen as they are bland so we're going to get some M & S ready meals as she likes them. We would have got them before but she told us she liked the others as she didn't want to worry us!

My cooking is appalling (DH does all ours) so I doubt it would encourage her to eat! She also probably wouldn't want me staying as she hates people seeing her eat. No idea why but that's how she is unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/08/2017 22:05

I should have said I'm going to take her a McDonalds in once a week. I know it's crap but she loves a Happy Meal and I'm more concerned that she eats something. At her age she may as well have something she enjoys!

OP posts:
thesandwich · 03/08/2017 22:14

Good news about the care agency. DM found Wiltshire farm foods bland- and loves m and s meals plus their puddings😄.
You are doing the right thing.

paddypants13 · 03/08/2017 22:18

What about buying her snack food such as cereal bars so that she's at least having something everyday.

Honestly, I think you have made the right decision. As a pp said it's all very well saying "I'd do this/that/the other" but until you're in a situation you just don't know.

whataboutbob · 03/08/2017 22:22

If she likes a happy meal, by all means take her one (I'm a dietitian). the only food which will be doing her any good is the food she actually eats. A HM has calories, iron and protein at least. She could then have some vitamin C in the form of a glass of Ribena/ Orange juice.
If she's made it to 86 I wouldn't worry too much about obesity, cholesterol etc. Undernutrition is likely to be a greater risk.

everythingissoblinkinrosie · 03/08/2017 22:31

Appetite is an issue for seniors. My dad randomly wanted kippers. So kippers it was. Mum randomly fancied a particular scone and, even more unexpectedly, a particular Sainsburys Basics meal.
It's trial and error. Patience. As a pp said, getting food into your parent is more important than anything. Breakfast cereal is fortified with vitamins even the shitty stuff. A dietician told my mum to go for this.

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 04/08/2017 07:18

She's got mini rolls, caramel cake bars and everything else I can think of to make her eat something. What worries me though is that although she doesn't eat (and never has eaten much) she's very overweight and doesn't appear to be losing. She's had every blood test under the sun and nothing was found so I think she's a medical mystery. My main concern though at the moment is getting her to eat, no matter what it is.

She was complaining yesterday that nothing tastes right any more. I'm going to have a word with the doctor as she's on Citalopram and it seems that taste changes is one of the side effects. I haven't told her as I obviously don't want her just stopping them.

Thanks again for all your support.

OP posts:
everythingissoblinkinrosie · 04/08/2017 11:00

Hi, if she's overweight try some chair based exercises- DVD, YouTube if there is access.
Also make sure her sugar levels are checked for developing diabetes and her water works etc for water retention/infection. Diet may be a thing- ask for a referral to a dietician.
She may well be depressed. Patient company from family /friends can help. Consider how she reacts to winter - it can get anyone down.

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/08/2017 18:22

I thought I'd update this. DM agreed to having the carers in 3 times a week and it's gone a lot better than I expected. She loves the woman who goes in (same one every day) and I don't even get 'she's very nice, but...'!

I spoke to the doctor about the Citalopram making her food taste different and apparently it's a common side effect. DM is now off the Citalopram and she said her taste is comin back.

On the downside, I think she's becoming agoraphobic. DH and I went round to take her to the hairdresser yesterday and she was crying saying she was scared to leave the house. I offered to cancel the appointment but she made herself go, although she was in a bad way. She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow and I'm going to cancel that as I think she needs time to get over yesterday. I'd never have booked the hairdresser appointment so close to the hospital appointment if I'd known how bad things were. Another fail from me.

Yesterday morning was horrible, DM crying about leaving the house and MIL crying because she wants to die.

OP posts:
notaflyingmonkey · 22/08/2017 10:47

Hi Sparkly I found a hardresser that comes to the house, may not be the best cut etc but it makes life a lot easier.

Original poster
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 08/09/2017 09:08

DM is getting worse so I went to see her GP yesterday to discuss everything with him (she gave permission ages ago so I can talk to the doctors).

It turns out she has heart failure. She's due to have an echocardiogram at the end of the month as we had to postpone it in August and that will give us more information about how bad she actually is. It's not looking good though, she's very breathless, has swollen legs (I've only just found out about that), has no appetite and is depressed. As well as that she is on medication for high blood pressure and has glaucoma and macular degeneration.

I haven't told her about the heart failure yet as I don't want her worrying all weekend, I can do that! Her GP is going to see her on Monday so hopefully he'll be able to get her to accept more help, whether it's medication, more carers going in or something else.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 08/09/2017 17:40

Sorry to hear your news. Hope she accepts more help. Take care.

royguts · 09/12/2019 13:02

I recently read a great book, The Essential Family Guide to Caring for Older Relatives,

Topsy44 · 13/12/2019 13:08

Sorry to hear that your Mum has heart failure. My Dad had this and I read that depression goes with it.

For what its worth I think you're doing a fantastic job with your Mum. Its not easy and I am only starting to realise this with my Mum as she is on her own now and early 80s.

FlyawayGetaway3 · 13/12/2019 16:22

If your DM doesn't go out much, she should hopefully enjoy a carer visiting, for the social aspect. It also provides you with a break & the possibility of a holiday too.

There is nothing wrong with this approach at all !

I would try to continue with the hospital appointments in the near future

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