Feel like a shit daughter

[takethechance]

In reality, I probably am.
I moved about 180 miles away when I went to uni, then another 150 miles about 5 years ago.
When the DC were little we'd go up monthly then when they started school 3 or 4 times a year and DM would come and visit.
15 years down the line, the DC are gown up, I work part time and DPs are too frail to travel far.
Now, it's crunch time. One of them has early dementia the other is ill (not life threatening but very uncomfortable) and they need me. It's too far to travel for 1 night, I've done it but it's awful. We talk daily on the phone but I'm wondering if I should give up work (we can afford it) and agree to spend 3 days a week with them.
I have DS & DB who are great but they have full of lives, FT work, younger DC but do live a bit nearer.
We live in very expensive city so for them to sell up and move nearer is not an option. I feel guilty but don't think we could cope with them moving into our house.
Of course there's no solution but I'd be interested to know how other people cope?

Many sympathies. Can I suggest that your role could be to facilitate care for them rather than do it all? You cannot be there full time so making sure they have great support systems matters most, and you can do more of the treats when you visit. Do they have carers? Cleaners/ gardeners? Emergency alarms? Lots of wisdom on these threads but much advice is get care in place as soon as you can do they accept it.

Thanks sandwich , that's a sensible attitude. I'll be making the trip to see them at the weekend and look at getting more help in place for the future.

Good luck. And if you need info ask here- as sadly lots of experience on this board.

I think you need to facilitate care, rather than splitting your family to do hands on care. Its a lot more manageable in the long term, and though people will complain about having 'strangers' come and do things, once you get through the initial resistance, building care from there is much easier.
My parents are similar to yours - mum has fairly severe dementia, dad is very frail with lots of health problems. I live 80 miles away, my brother further, and we both have children.
Mum and dad have carers 5 days a week, cleaner twice, handyman/gardener, district nurse everyday to do mums insulin, and 2 days a week a carer takes mum out for a few hours to give dad a break. Dad uses a mobility scooter to get to the shops and doctor, uses the volunteer car service to get to the big hospital. They lunch at the pub everyday which means they have a hot meal at not a big cost.
I talk to their carer etc, do online shopping, organise stuff, and deal with emergencies (like when dad gets admitted to hospital). I'll go and take mum to a hospital appointment as she can't walk far and dad can't manage.
I feel guilt sometimes, but actually dad has stayed much more independent having to do things, and if I was around he would want me to do everything tbh

So much sound advice already.

In your shoes, I'd be very wary about committing to be there 3 days a week, especially as it would mean giving up your job. Can you find a way of visiting more often or for longer, but without taking on so much of the care and admin? Better (in my view) to use the visits to spend time with your parents, take them out (if that's manageable) but find reliable local people for day to day tasks.

I'm in a similar position, except my parents are divorced. So DF is in a nursing home (multiple comorbidities) and DM is living with us, independently in a separate annex, but when the time comes - if it does - we will look after her.

It's a difficult time for you, but make a decision based on what is best for you and your family.

NC but op here.
Thanks so much for the comments.
I went this weekend and did quite a lot of sorting care out.
DF is worried about DM in the future. I've tried to reassure him that his children will do their very best. It's heart wrenching.

I don't think me giving up work is a sensible option at the moment, I do really enjoy it. The DC are about to fly the nest and DH & I will be a couple again for the first time in many years.

I know there are no solutions but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Highly recommend 3rings (www.3rings.co.uk) have one of these in my mum's house fixed to her kettle so I know when she's used it & if she hasn't it sends an alert. Has a sim card so there is a monthly cost but worth it.

How's everyone doing?

I've just learnt that my sibling-in-law has told my mother that by refusing to go anywhere without me taking her, and not using her attendance allowance for its intended purpose, she's choosing to become housebound. I'm shocked at the forthrightness, but it's all essentially true. So on we plod.

Here's a healthy brunch for everyone:

Hello all.
More- well done sibling in law!! Sometimes someone a bit removed can say it more bluntly!

You're not a shit daughter OP, you are doing the best you can. Would your parents consider moving to sheltered accom near you? This is what we did with my DM 2 years ago. She was lucky in that she had a fair bit of cash behind her, and moving for an expensive to a cheaper area for housing. The move was hard work, but she has a debilitating illness (Parkinson's) and we had to make the move when we did otherwise she just wouldn't have been able. Sadly she's now in a nursing home in our home town, but rather that than one 200 mile away (as would have been the case had she not moved).

If that's not possible then I agree with other wise voices on this thread - get carers in place, and make contact with their local health & social services. Oh, and start thinking about power of attorney.

Yes, Sandwich, I think not being her child gives sib in law more freedom to speak. Three cheers for that!

I realise I posted on the wrong thread - I meant this for the long-running caring for elderly parents thread - but I think the general message of not being able to help people who won't help themselves holds good here too.