i'm awful

[periwinklepickspoppies]

my mum has been ill for ages, serious problems which will eventually be terminal. Now she is confused, I spoke to her a few days ago when I phoned the hospital she's recently been admitted to (she lives in the US and we're in Europe) and she later complained to my sister that I haven't spoken to her for years.

She's been close to death several times and it looked like she was going to pass away just before Xmas. She's got no quality of life, has no family nearby (that's a long story) and now we are going into another year with her still very ill and still alone and it's a horrible roller coaster.
I wish she would peacefully pass away and not to be living like this.
I'm a horrible, horrible daughter.

You're not horrible at all, it is natural to want her suffering to end. Being so far away you'll feel helpless too. Don't feel bad for wanting peace for your mum.

You're not horrible, just human. My dad is in hospital with terminal cancer. Bed bound, needs nurses to transfer and use a bed pan. He has a pressure area. He has no quality of life and he is miserable with us and with his lot. Life revolves around fitting in work, school and hospital visits to him, only for him to moan at me, mum and the nurses. He has no dignity and it is shit. Christmas, well I'm glad it's over. I want this to end as it's totally draining. I get where you are, constant guilt.

I know how you feel OP. My DM has always said she would like to die peacefully in her sleep. She's getting more and more frail and wants more and more of my time. I find myself wishing that to happen, partly for selfish reasons and partly because I don't want her to have such a poor quality of life and be ill all the time, or in a care home. It's not something we are supposed to say, so it's good to express it here. And yes to a constant feeling of guilt.

If you're horrible, then so many of us here are too. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's a very difficult time

You are not horrible - quite the contrary. It is perfectly reasonable to wish for your parents to die while they are still living in their own home and in good enough health to have plans for the future!

I'm horrible too then! My mum has Lewy body dementia and cancer in her blood causing a tumour in her head. It's a toss up which gets her first but one of them will in months. She is in a care home, cries most of the time, is confused and bewildered and is not very nice to be around because of her anger. Me and my sister are at the end of our tethers and just want her to go to sleep and not wake up. It's totally shit so I totally feel your pain.
I just keep repeating 'this too shall pass'. Fingers crossed it's soon. Sending hugs op

I was willing my dad to die near the end, it's an awful feeling but seeing him suffer was worse. I genuinely felt relief when he died and that the cancer had died from all our lives. I think people need to be able to choose to go earlier if they want, seems so cruel keeping them going. You are not awful

Another horrible person here OP. My dad has Lewy Body Dementia, and I daydream about him dying. His awful disease has turned him into an unhappy toddler, effectively, and this places such a huge strain on everyone around him. The horror and resentment (there, I've said it) that dementia creates is the last thing he would have wanted. He's gone but I can't grieve. Once he dies I'll be able to remember him as he was.

None of you are awful. We are all just doing the best we can in the most awful circumstances.

You are not being horrible at all OP. I know exactly how you feel.