sad but also scared of threat to come and live in our town

[MissTriggs]

My mum and dad are frail. dad fell two weeks ago and has only just stood up following a hip replacement. He has a diagnosis of dementia (it's unusual - no short term memory loss) and I think the bigger problem is that he's got ASD (many undiagnosed lifelong behaviours).

I love my mother and she loves me but she isn't a nice person - she has low self esteem and has always tried to control and weaken those around her. My life has basically been an escape from her control and manipulation - part of some lifelong mental health conditions (all undiagnosed).

They have saved lots of money but are unwilling to spend it on care. I understand this reluctance.

Tonight mum was saying "if dad has to go to a care home it's cheaper where you live, I could be useful".
I know this would end my marriage and basically my life. I have to stop myself from screaming and collapsing when my mother really lays into me, or starts campaigns against me with the rest of the family.

I have two brothers, one of whom is devoted to our parents.

Please tell me it's ok not to encourage my mother to move to my town which is at the other end of the country from her.

I would say nothing at present. I think the idea of living somewhere else is great while it is in their head. I'd bet my last dollar, that when they start to look at all the practical aspects of moving they will find it too overwhelming.

I would give non-committed answers until you see how they progress.

And no, you are definitely not a bad perso to not want them near you.

Thank you
I think my mum was just testing me and I guess she got what she wanted which was a reaction. Of course what she really wants is for life to be better for her and my dad. But she's like a toddler -if she can't get positive attention she seeks negative attention rather than no attention

Life is very sad isn't it?

I am glad though that I never broke off contact with them. We may be a dysfunctional family, but we are still family.