Hand-holding needed

[HarpyFishwifeTwat]

I'm having a tough week. I live in the South-West of England and my parents are in Central Scotland. Obviously they are both getting on and my dad is struggling with his sight and generally being a bit useless (spoiled child in the 40s and then spoiled by my mum) but other than that they have been doing well.

My mum had a stroke on Monday and I've come up to be with them, thankfully it was minor and other than a slight slur and feeling wobbly she's not too bad at all. I'm here for a couple of weeks - until mum comes out of hospital but I'm struggling to cope. I'm not naturally a caring/nurturing person (part of the reason I've chosen not to have children) and I'm struggling.

DH came up at beginning of the week but had to go back down once we realised it wasn't immediately life-threatening. He's a contractor and only gets paid when he works. We're also in the process of starting a business which we hope to open in the next 6-8 weeks. I'm totally overwhelmed and there's part of me just wants to hide away. That's then making me feel like the worst person in the world. I'm sure everything will be fine, but I just needed a bit of a vent.

Holding your hand !

I'm also not a hands on caring person- I can manage to feed parents when they've needed it, but it was my sister who made mum feel so much better when she was in hospital by showering her ( she'd been in a fortnight and the best I/ the hospital managed was wet wipes and dry shampoo).

I see my role in caring for my dad to do the best I can in the things I am good at - so I organise care , coordinate medical stuff and take him out to have fun.

I slept on the care home floor yesterday to catch him as he fell out of bed - managed that - but it was absolutely the carers that toiletted him etc.

My advice to you would be organise and push. Keep notes of who you speak to etc. You are setting up a business. You can do the organising and chivvying - and get her out of hospital as soon as its clinically appropriate - don't let her sit and wait for ages for tests etc. Anticipate discharge and ask for planning early on etc.

You can do that - and take snacks and magazines etc.

You are you. Just being there will help her and playing to your many strengths - you'll be ace !

You aren't being awful in anyway. I am a hands on caring person, but having to look after my mum or dad drives me crazy because I have to deal with the way they do things (get up unreasonably early, eat in the hungry horse, go to bed very early, never drink water) and I have to think about them all the time as well as trailing to the hospital.

If they don't have carers already, now would be a good time to get something in place and maybe a cleaner. You can sell it to them as 'just till mum is better', but the comfort of knowing that someone is popping in on them is priceless when you are at a distance.

Thanks both. I'm already thinking about a cleaner and apparently there will be quite a lot of after-care from the occupational therapy team etc. I'm going to start looking at the possibility of warden assisted sheltered housing. I think it would be a good plan for them anyway.

You see harpy. You are doing fab !

Even if they aren't ready for it now, its well worth going round and having a look at what is local to them due to the distance. Then if anything happens, you know your preferences.

Make sure you get details of what the aftercare will be, and that the people involved know exactly what your parents can do and what you are able to do. Alas many people will lie through their teeth to get their spouse home 'oh yes, harpy will be with us'. And the care promised is often rather less than you might think.