Another crisis and not sure i can manage this one

[whataboutbob]

Went to visit Dad yesterday. In brief, 2 weeks ago he had a fall when his carers helped him out of the bath (I had requested a bath assessment and bath chair 2 months ago, it didn't happen). He now cannot walk up the stairs, does not leave the house, is doubly incontinent and in pads, and barely speaking anymore). he had been declining prior to the fall but now his state is quite shocking. he's on the living room sofa bed all day, and has the beginnings of a pressure sore.
The washing machine is broken. There was a pile of urine and faeces soiled clothes and bedding on a heap in the kitchen.
My brother is in full on denial mode and just thinks dad is going to continue living at home.
To cap things off Dad's rental flat has flooding because a cowboy builder did not waterproof the new shower, I have got a plumber in he has completely removed the shower and it will take 2 weeks to reinstate because we are waiting on a carpenter, a wall is waterlogged and needs to come down, a new one needs to be built to support the new shower. Will cost at least £1500 to put right and tenants will want compensation for 2 weeks without washing facility.
I have been signed off work for 2 weeks because my blood pressure was dangerously high (also work related stress going on).
I rang a cousin who's a GP and he thinks Dad may have a subdural hematoma, a slow venous bleed around the brain which is impacting his functioning. Only way to know for sure is a brain scan.
All I could do yesterday was go to rental flat to pacify tenants, go to laundrette and wash the stinking pile of stuff, and spend time with Dad and bro.
ICT are delivering a hospital bed, no idea where it will go, Dad was a hoarder, bro is a hoarder, the living room is a hovel and the carpet smells of piss and poo.
Just feel totally overwhelmed and minded to let the professionals deal with it now as i am too weak to take it all on. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks because my blood pressure was dangerously high (also work related stress going on).
I know I should:
Hire a van and do the much needed garage clear out (ignoring my brother's protests as i go along)
Clear assorted junk out of living room
Shift sofa bed into garage
Get on GPs case to get Dad's brain scanned
Attend crisis meeting to weigh up options for Dad's care: respite/ nursing home/ stay at home in micro environment
Chase up incontinence nurse referral, if indeed the referral was made, as I have discovered i can never assume people do what they are supposed to do
Find out why the bath assessment never happened and who is responsible
Get onto council: the wheelie bin has disappeared
Negociate with my manager a further 2 weeks' unpaid leave
Attend meeting with CCG Dad's continuing healhtcare funding is under review in 1 week.
BUT can't face any of it. I feel utterly done in.

Thanks sandwich. I have been feeling pretty sad, but life goes on, a friend came round with his son and we all went to the park. You have increasingly big gaps between thinking about it. Plus I realise I have to park the guilt, and before Dad had dementia, if this scenario had been presented to him (but not with himself as the main character) he's have said a care home was the only possible solution.
Hope you are ok sandwich and have a really good christmas, and thank you for all your support.

I'm so sorry Bob. It is another step in the bereavement process isn't it ? And the time of year makes it that little bit harder I think. I have moments of being quite wobbly this week which caught me by surprise. I realised how much we all say all the right things about the circumstances but underneath it still hurts, however rational and level headed you try to be.

I think it is roughly 2 years this week or the week before that my Mother went into care. I remember you saying then that you thought it would be a decision you would probably be facing shortly. You have given him an extra 2 years at home which is an amazing thing to have done and hopefully one day will be a bit of a comfort when it's less raw.

for you, be very kind to yourself right now.

Perhaps though your thread title says it all.

"not sure i can manage this one"

You have done what you can and more, to enable your DF to stay at home as long as possible. I think you, like me, have always knows that there will be a stage where residential care would be needed. I had previously thought that I would try to prop up DM in her sheltered housng for as long as possible by gradually stepping up the care, but the past few months have made me think that we will get to a point where she less able to use her "independence" or take advantage of community life, sooner than I expected, and that a care setting where she is encouraged to engage and to use and retain her remaining skills, will be better for her.

It is all very sad.

for you too NMS, it is sad.

Bob, you've tried so very hard to keep your dad and brother going at home that you shouldn't feel any guilt.

I agree this time of year does seem to amplify emotions as well - all those images of the perfect family etc

Thanks everyone. Your support and the information i get from this webpage are invaluable.
yes there is a lot of sadness in bowing to the inevitable but i am coming to accept it.
Obviously I have been worried about bro, just rang him he sounded sad but OK, he tells me he's off to his weekly pub quizz. I am encouraging him to come here for Christmas (despite DCs telling me outright they'd rather he didn't because "it'll be depressing, you'll just talk about Grandpa, and we don't want to hear about it it'll spoil Christmas") Kids can be so robustly selfish! Actually I don't mind I'm pleased they're saying what they feel. Won't make any difference, bro is welcome and I'll make sure we don't just talk about dementia on Christmas day!
Hope everyone else is doing well. Thinking of you all.

Oh bob, I have just caught up with what has been happening

It sounds very tough for you. I hope you are still signed off/not at work - it sounds such a lot to do. I wonder how it would all work if you were much further away (as I am from my DM) Glad to hear you got some support from the priest.

Thanks BTM. Undoubtedly it would have been hard if I'd been further, in fact we were thinking of moving out of london when Dad's dementia became apparent and had to drop the idea. I did support my grandad who lived in France (I was NOK), but obvioulsy couldn't do that much for him except a few visits a year and when he was very ill with parkinsons and cancer i arranged for him to go into a home.
I'm sorry I can't remember all your posts, I know you are far from your mum and moving a person with impaired cognition is difficult. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas. I find this a hard time of year because of the disconnect between what it's supposed to be , and what it really is when you have vulnerable parents.

Thanks bob! Sorry that it is a hard time for you. And others, of course.

I actually am not so bothered about any disconnect because I haven't been close to DM since I was a small child and bizarrely I actually feel more benign towards her now she is so vulnerable - I haven't seen her in the role of my mother for so long. If that makes any sense. I just feel responsible but a bit at a loss as I'm so far away (but wouldn't want/couldn't anyway physically have her moving in with us)

Interesting you say that because one of the things that has helped me cope with my father's illness and all the demands it has thrown at me is (most of the time) not seeing him as my father, but someone I have responsibility towards. He wasn't the best Dad ever. But at the end of the day, a decent yet flawed human.