Need to Offload about Mother in a Care Home

[Meowmy]

I posted on here back in January about my 84 year old Mum who had broken her shoulder and was staying with me. She was not the world's best mother as she was an alcoholic for all of my life and not a nice drunk. Even sober she was unreasonable and 'eccentric' and not very supportive. She has not looked after herself for years and her house had become a dirty rundown hovel.

20 years ago she sold up in the South and bought a smallholding Wales to get away from people (including her family), and this is where she has been ever since with sporadic contact. Distance did help and we had a reasonable relationship as long as she hadn't been drinking.

When she stayed with me in January she was not drinking (been to AA) and she said she was scared and lonely living on her own, so (being a soft hearted idiot) my partner and I said we would move in with her. The minute we got there she started throwing her weight around. In the gap between her going home and us moving she had started drinking again. But this only last three weeks until she had a stroke and was admitted to hospital. The appears that her long term alcohol abuse may also have given her a condition called Korsakoff Syndrome which also presents dementia/stroke like symptoms. Two weeks ago she moved to a care home as she was deemed not to have mental capacity and the medical staff said her house was not suitable due to where it is and the state of it. I have now made my home in her house (which she signed over to me) as she thought she would dodge taxes. But it will take months to make it anywhere near decent, as it has no proper kitchen, no bathroom, she had ripped out all the central heating, ripped down all suspended ceilings so the wiring is all exposed, taken up all the floor coverings so it is just bare concrete and not cleaned anywhere for 20 years.

So to come to my problem. I don't want to visit her. Simply I don't like her. But I feel guilty about not going. I have been there once to drop off some clothes since the day she moved in, but every time I tell myself I am going again I chicken out! I actually have an anxiety attack about it, shaking, tearful and feel physically ill.

I made sure that I chose the best care home where I thought she would have a chance of being happy, with people to talk to and a nice room and lovely staff. But I spend most of the time feeling guilty and the rest feeling resentful and she bought it on herself and yet again left me feeling bad.

Rant finished. I don't mind if no one has any replies. I actually feel better just of writing it down. But thank you.

I am sorry you are feeling guilty but it really sounds like you have done your best to ensure your Mother's comfort in the new home. I think maybe you need to balance not visiting at all with the odd check up visit just so you do not end up feeling so guilty but it is so hard if you do not and did not have a loving relationship with her. Try to detach a bit more and go in just to take some comforts and check she is ok. It is hard enough visiting our elderly relatives in these places even when we love them to bits. Sorry not terribly helpful.

Well, how about you visit her but sort of tie it in with doing something else. So have the radio on or watch a DVD with her, or visit a nice local restaurant nearby on your own, that sort of thing? Rather than just the single purpose of 'going to visit your mum' which is setting it up a bit for a fail?

Your misgiving about having your mother in a home may be because if it feels like the endgame, then it feels like it's your last chance to make amends with your mother and it's slipping by. Or am I overthinking it?

She signed over the house? Won't that have to be sold to go on her care home fees at some point?

Thanks Plymouth. That was more helpful than you think.

Thanks Prof. The house was signed over months before she had the stroke. So not taken into account as not hers.

And I don't have any misgivings about her being in the care home, just visiting her. The professionals made the decision that it was the best place for her and I totally agree with them. I don't actually feel like I have to make amends for anything, in fact she does, but as far as that is concerned it is game over, as she makes very little sense much of the time and when she does is not very nice.

Think I'm just going to have to put on some 'big girl' pants and get on and go see her on my terms. She's still managing to rule my life from a care home otherwise.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic and, while my mother's issues are different, I too am finding visiting her difficult.

I try to focus on neutral topics. Most recently (she lives 600+ miles away) I got her to bring out old photos and we talked about the past. It made the focus not on my feelings, but more on memories.

What about arriving and only staying 10 minutes, total. "Just popped in to see you and give you this ......"

I like Plymouth maids idea you could make visiting her part of a day out like she says perhaps say to yourself I'm having lunch at the restaurant at 12 o'clock so I will pop into mum at 11 which means I have to be out by 1130. so you have a timeframe in mind and a schedule to keep

Thanks Rose and Miss. I hadn't thought about giving myself a time limit. But I can see that would make it easier so we don't get to the 'can't think of anything new to say' point when she tends to get random and spiteful. Her care home is really close to where I live so popping in on the way home after work would naturally limit it. Thanks guys

I am so glad that you are feeling better about it all. Can I just correct the record that it was ProfessorDent's great idea about combining something else with the visit :)

Could you call her instead?

My DH has got into the habit of visiting his DM every week for 45 minutes, the 'can't think of anything new to say' kicks in around 5 minutes in!

Do think about what you do as her expectations of you will be based on what you do in these initial weeks. For example, now my DH has started at the one visit-a-week he can't scale it back.

Great point about expectations. Don't set up a pattern. And a reason to leave is really useful. You have done your best. Let the staff know the history and to contact you if they are concerned about her- or whatever you think.