Issue with DM's abusive partner

[GlitterBallsRock]

I really need some advice in relation to an issue I have with my mother and whether to continue to have contact with her.

DM is currently disabled after having a massive stroke and heart attack about 18 months ago when she was 70. She is completely paralysed down one side and mostly bed ridden but can get into a wheelchair for short periods.

Since about a year ago she was discharged from hospital and her long term partner B, agreed that he would care for her in her home rather than move her into a care home. At the time no-one was sure if this would be workable but they decided to try.

To give some background my DSisters and I have never had a good relationship with B. He came into our lives after DM divorced my Dad when I was about 13 (I am the youngest of my sisters). He was horribly emotionally abusive to me as I was growing up, made me feel really unwelcome in my own home, said some really horrible things to me. DM has always tended to minimise this into me and him "not getting on" but there was real nastiness towards me on his part and I was still only a child which seemed to be forgotten.

Anyway fast forward to now and DSis1 and I try to visit DM regularly in order to give B a break from caring. (DSis2 has been no-contact with DM for about 5 years now). I live about 70 miles away, work full-time and have 2 DC so I stated that I will visit one Sunday a month for the day so that B can go out and do as he chooses. DSis1 lives a little closer and has no DC (but has v demanding job and long commute) so she visits two Sundays a month.

The problem is B's attitude and behaviour when we visit. He thinks that we should both visit more often, the usual ritual is that he shouts at us, announces that he has had enough of caring for DM and says he is going and never coming back and storms off in his car. This obviously upsets DM and she often spends our visits in tears.

DM understands that we have our own lives and things to do. At the end of the day we usually have to get DM to phone him up several times before he will come back so that we can leave. He usually comes back at least an hour after the time we have said we have to go. Then yells at us that we treat our DM "like shit" as we get into our cars.

I am due to visit again this Sunday and I just don't think I can face it. I have been doing this for a year now and I can't bear to see him again. For one thing it dredges up memories of my awful childhood at his hands and I thought that as an adult I wouldn't have to put up with his crap any longer.

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of DM as she is truly in a terrible state of health and has literally had her life as she knew it taken away from her very cruelly. I know that she loves to see me and it really perks her up. But the other side of me thinks that to some extent she has made her choice to be with him, knowing how horrid he has been to us, and I also have my choice now to not accept it any more.

Neither of them will hear of her going into a care home or having occasional respite care, although it is clear to me that B cannot cope with caring for her any more.

I really don't know what to do for the best - has anyone been in a similar situation who could give me some advice?

A tough one, and I have no knowledge. However given earlier concerns is it worth talking it through with Social Services. Either they, and your mum's carers, have no problem with your mum's partner, think he is a saint and is doing a fab job...or they have similar concerns, perhaps feeling that the burden of caring for her is too much, impacting on his behaviour and that at minimum he needs respite. If they have bnot thought about it they should as she is clearly a vulnerable adult.

If the former, you can feel reassured and perhaps tell her and him politely that unless his behaviour to you improves, and set some boundaries, you no longer feel able to visit with such frequency. You could also acknowledge he is doing a good job.

If the latter try to get the Social Services to get moving. Explain you have a problem as you feel you suffered emotional abuse at his hands, which is an additional flag as to what might be going on now. From the outside it reads as if there is a massive co-dependency in this relationship. She needs him, he needs her. So she was prepared to sacrifice her relationship with her daughters in order to keep him, and so is hugely relieved when you visit. He now won't let go even though he is struggling. Perhaps he is scared to ask for help/respite in case she is taken away from him.

If I am right, and this is based simply on my reading of what you have written, it is a toxic relationship but one she chose and what she wants. She prefers this to being on her own. Respite, which would allow him to gather strength and perhaps even have time to think, would sound like a good idea. Anyone caring for someone with complex needs can get so wrapped up/stressed/exhausted that they lose perspective. I know things have got too much when I lose it with innocent people like call centre operators. Perhaps his way of coping with stress is to be mean to you. You don't need to accept it. You should make sure your mother is not getting the same.

Great advice from needmoresleep. I totally agree with flagging this situation up with adult social services though. Your mum is very vulnerable. Yes she may have made the choice to be with this man when she was fit and healthy but she's in a very different situation now.

Thanks for your responses Needmoresleep and Tinfoiled - it is really helpful to have another perspective.

Both DSis1 and I have raised our concerns with social services, several times. They don't seem to be too concerned about the situation as DM still has 'capacity' and is choosing to stay there with him. I did mention the emotional abuse and the way that he behaves (the social worker that was in charge of her case whilst she was in hospital even witnessed this herself). They still don't think that there is a safeguarding issue. Some of the carers that come to look after DM now refuse to visit her house because of his behaviour towards them.

I have also spoken to DM's GP twice, to tell him that I think there is a safeguarding issue and that I was concerned about DM. I was hoping that he might flag it to social services himself (perhaps he did). The GP did a home visit in the end and he prescribed anti-depressants, but that's as much as I know. I will give social services another call today to raise my concerns again though, I know that this is probably the only way forward.

Needmoresleep has hit the nail on the head with their toxic relationship. They have always had quite a co-dependent relationship and it has been quite volatile at times (more so from DM's side than his). I am sure that she is probably also subject to his emotional abuse, but I am not really sure what else to do about it.

I also understand and am sympathetic to the stress that he must be under, which is why we have tried to visit on a routine basis so he has time off that he can look forward to. DSis1 has offered to pay for a companion in the week to sit with DM for a few hours whilst B goes out but they have refused this. He refuses to discuss her going into a home for respite and I have no power to arrange this without their consent.

I am really at a loss and just think now that I need to protect myself from it, but at the same time that feels so selfish

Glitter,

I am sorry to say this but many parents will have made some bad decisions. We might be able to help a little but by and large they have to live with the consequences. If your mother has tolerated an emotionally abusive relationship for years, however much you dislike it, things are unlikely to change now. My guess is that SS will only feel able to step in should the abuse turn physical of should your mother lose capacity.

The positives are:

1. Your mother is being looked after, and by the person she has chosen. It would probably be more difficult if he had abandoned her.
2. Your sister and you sound lovely and supportive.

It is not unommon to find yourself in a position where you simply have to sit and wait for the crisis. I had this for three years when my mum was living on her own, clearly unable to cope, but not willing to admit it. My advice would be to see your mum as much as you feel able to, and save your emotional energy for when any crisis happens. If you can't change things, you probably have to accept them, however unpleasant. All you can decide on is how often you visit. If you decide you really can't, don't feel guilty. And you should be clear with your mum's partner that his behaviour is driving you away.

Thanks so much for your replies Needmoresleep you've been really helpful . I've decided that I'm not going to visit tomorrow and will go to watch DS1 play in a football tournament instead.

I guess it's time for me to put my own little family first now and be there for when there is a crisis.