Advising bereaved mother on move: stay put in the area she knows or move closer to her brother?

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I would really appreciate hearing some opinions, as I'm not sure if I'm giving my mother the right advice!

She has very poor short-term memory due to an operation and severe arthritis (bad enough that she walks with a cane and is in frequent pain). Although I live overseas, she relies on me for help with all kinds of decisions and day-to-day tasks.

She lives in a very isolated area and has been living on her own since my father died a couple of years ago. It looks like the house has finally sold and she now needs to decide where to live. Her options are:

1. The nearest city to her current location. It isn't exactly a tourist destination, but she is familiar with it and does know people there who help her with things. On the downside, her best friend there is terminally ill and probably won't live much longer. Also, my impression is that many of the fun people she knew have moved and the ones that are left are not so much fun.

1. A city near her brother's house. It is much warmer there and she has said that she feels more mobile there because her arthritis is less severe. On the downside, she only knows her brother and he would be about a 45-minute drive away (my mother can't live closer to him because he lives out of the city, too far from facilities like hospitals and stores). She is quite social and I don't think she'd have any trouble meeting people, but she might find the pace/people faster than what she is used to.

I realize that this is a very personal decision, but I just don't know what to tell her. To be clear, I have told her that this is 100% her decision, but she is simultaneously confused and stressed and seems to want some guidance. I'm wondering if there's anyone out there who has dealt with this kind of situation before and has advice. Does one option sound better than the other for someone in her situation? I'm so worried about steering her wrong!

It's difficult.
I start from the premise that it makes a LOT of sense to stay local to where you have lived most of your life, where you have a network of people - not just friends, but trusted garages or plumbers or hairdressers or whatever - to be around, but in your Mum's case it does sound as if she is moving away from her comfort zone anyway, so the fact it seems to help her health to be further south would seem a bigger plus for your Mum.
I think the crucial choice in either place would be to be in some kind of sheltered housing or retirement apartments/village so she has support on hand when she needs it, and built in socialising as and when she wants it.

I'm not sure the pace of a city needs to be dictated to her - she can join in with what she chooses and excuse her self when she chooses, but it will help a lot if she can get to shops and hospital appts etc.

Thank you, BackforGood. Unfortunately, she can't afford a place in a retirement community, but that would be ideal.

Realistically how much would her brother be able to help her if he's 45 mins away? Where would she get more help if needed? Where would she get more people popping in for a coffee, etc?

Who/what is her support network going to be as she gets older & more infirm? Is her brother going to be of much use? Are they close? What is his health like? What is his lifestyle - does he have time and is he willing and able to regularly do a 1.5hr round trip to go & see your mum? If he is able to do that now, what will happen in a couple of years time if they are both reliant on public transport?
We have been having this exact discussion this weekend with MIL but are in the fortunate position that she is fit & healthy (although bereaved). For now, she is planning on mover to a smaller, more central place to her local town and then will move near us when she gets ill as, realistically, we will be the ones having to pop on regularly to check on her.

I guess the warmer weather and better health is a big plus. But only she knows how much she would miss friends that she's leaves behind.

Those are great questions, ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean and WhoTheFuckIsSimon.

Her brother is retired and is very friendly. He lives in the middle of nowhere, near the beach. As far as his health, I'm not sure. He seems fine, but was hospitalized recently.

He was very rarely around (i.e., didn't visit or call) while my father was alive. Now he calls every week and also invited my mother up to stay with him for more than a month. I asked my mother to ask him straight if he is willing to help her out and visit. He said that he is excited at the thought of having her nearby. But you're right that he will still be 45 minutes away. And there may come a time that he or my mother are not able to drive.

My mother was a bit of a hermit when my father was alive because she had to take care of him. Also, he didn't get along with anyone. She has done a great job of getting out and making friends since he died. Now she does have a good support network in her current area. Those people often come to the city that she could move to. So definitely, she would get more people dropping by if she lived in the city close to her current town (not her brother's place).

I think move to the local city, but look for a really good sheltered housing place, with lots of services available if you want them and a community spirit so people meet up in the communal areas and there are organised activities. I think this way she can keep her independence as long as possible. Her brother sounds too far away to be much help if she moves to him, and she would lose her current friends.

Then I think she has to weigh up what's most preferable for her. Being in a place where she will know she has friends and support but possibly more pain.

Or moving to a place where she thinks she will have less pain and takes a gamble on making new friends who will be good enough friends to help if needed.

Is this all in the UK? I just ask because I'm suprised a temp difference in the UK will make that much difference? I wonder if when she's been nearer our brother before she perceives her pain to be less because she's busy, she's on holiday, she's relaxed??

We are in a similar situation, though not abroad, my dh's mum is an 8 hour train journey away. His brother lives in the same town but doesn't see her a lot for various reasons. She is getting very forgetful, can't work the heating, things like that. We had a conversation about her moving closer to us, her sister is in a nearby city and they were brought up in another city which is close by and where they have old friends. Ideally it would be lovely for her to have a little flat near her sister and spend some time there but to organize that is too much for us. Her only grandson is our son and she obviously would love to spend time with him. I think the point about having a network of plumbers, handymen etc is extremely important for an older person, and knowing the area would be also very important. I do wonder for my mil whether a big move would actually pan out to be a bad idea, And then can they go back? I myself would go with her moving to the city near where she is now and spending some time visiting her brother if he's happy with that. If she's sociable (a major plus) then she should be able to extend her friends in the nearby city? It is sad when old friends move away / pass on but hopefully she'll make new ones. Good luck it is hard making these decisions x

Thanks everyone. No, this is not in the UK. I am, but she is overseas.

I do now tend to agree with the general sentiment that the local city would probably be best. It's true that her brother would be a bit too far away to make up for losing what she is familiar with.

I really wish she could move into sheltered housing--she would like that too. But unfortunately, it is too expensive for her.

If she is abroad you may need to see what is available in her country/ area. Here in the UK assisted living flats can be cheaper than normal flats, so it is worth enquiring about what exactly is available and what services are available to help her should she need help.

A mobility scooter has been a huge plus for my Gran, it means she can get all around town even though she can't walk far at all. If your Mum has problems walking this may help her.