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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Going on holiday - or should I just cancel!! help?

13 replies

slippersmum · 04/08/2015 12:20

I have just told my mum we are going on holiday (for a week) as a family. I get very little time with my dh as he works very long hours. She was not positive in her response at all and to be honest I am really upset about it. 'Oh, so I won't see you for a week, what will I do etc, etc, etc'. She is mobile and has no care needs. I feel really down about it now and wonder is it really worth it. She was really quiet after that and spoke about how quiet her road is etc and what will she do on Saturday without me (see her every saturday). Now I am going to be very mean here but I really resent this, its emotional blackmail isnt it and I feel its going to ruin my holiday? I even thought of not going. She could join groups, clubs etc but doesnt do anything. I get it must be hard for her but I have promised myself that I am never, ever going to do this to my dcs.

I bet I am coming across as really mean aren't I.

OP posts:

juneau · 04/08/2015 12:26

FGS go! She's being very selfish in not giving you her blessing to go away with your family for a week and you say you don't get much time with your DH normally. If you give in to her this time the message you're giving her is that even the slightest bit of disapproval from her will cause you to cancel things to accommodate her wishes and that is a slippery slope. As you say, she has no specific care needs right now, so there is no reason why you shouldn't go away.

And yes, she could get out and make her own entertainments. Have you suggested that? Or that she invite someone round for tea? If she's mobile and in decent health there will lots she could get involved in. My granny played piano at Sunday school and was a leading light in her local WI and Mother's Union until she died aged 92. The last

juneau · 04/08/2015 12:27

10 years of her life she lived alone after my grandad died, but it never stopped her going out.

CMOTDibbler · 04/08/2015 12:32

Don't let her make you feel guilty. When she tries the emotional blackmail, cheerily say 'well, you could pop to the xyz (whatever is on locally)'.

scribblegirl · 04/08/2015 12:34

Oh god, definitely go. As a child I never got a proper holiday with my mum and dad because my granny was like this. Even now that my parents are older (Dad wheelchair bound and Mum a carer) they would never ask me to give up a holiday to keep them company. As a result, I spend time with them completely without feeling like I 'have' to and our relationship is far better.

Enjoy your holiday, she will be fine.

Carrie5608 · 04/08/2015 12:37

Slippers you do need to still go because otherwise you will resent her. See if you can organise a volunteer from Age concern or something to take her out shopping for groceries or a neighbour to pop in a couple of times a week. It probably is a good idea to set up something any way in case you ever get ill or whatever.

DF has Alzheimers and Mum cannot cope with him without me. I am going on holidays for a week in August and he will go into respite care for that week. It is very sad but we all recognise we need to do it.

ajandjjmum · 04/08/2015 12:54

Go.

Your DM's response was selfish, and you need to spend time with your own family.

notquitegrownup2 · 04/08/2015 12:56

Go. Suggest that she has a trip to the library instead on Saturday and then leave it at that. It could be a beginning for her - when you are back, she could still then make a weekly trip to a library or maybe join some local groups, and still see you on a Saturday.

Waitingfordolly · 04/08/2015 13:07

Go! I thought this was going to be about some sort of medical emergency that you didn't want to leave (I had this earlier in the summer though it had resolved by the time of the actual holiday) - as others said, help her to identify how she can handle it whilst you're away, but gently point out that you do what you can but it's not reasonable or realistic to think that you are there all the time.

whataboutbob · 04/08/2015 14:15

You've come to the right for being told to go on holiday and not let her blackmail you. For goodness' sake, it's not like she's disabled or is a vulnerable adult because of dementia etc. No one even a mother has the right to make someone feel bad for enjoying their life a little.
And I don't need to tell you this, but she needs to take a little responsibility for her own life and happiness, and not pass it onto you. Sounds like you've been too caring and dutiful.
Enjoy your holiday without a backward glance!

twentyten · 04/08/2015 22:25

Go on holiday. You are doing too much- break the pattern. You need a holiday. And consider how you can change how you respond to her when you get back. You are worth it.

Needmoresleep · 06/08/2015 09:20

Yes go, and then post again telling us you had a lovely time and a welcome break.

You need to take time off every so often otherwise you lose perspective. It should be a good opportunity to think through what changes may be needed in the future.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/08/2015 21:32

GO. If you don't you will never go again!

Old people I think can become very selfish without realising it.

maybe you could have a girls afternoon out together when you return.

(eg afternoon tea somewhere)

Davros · 22/08/2015 12:59

Can you go for two weeks?!

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