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Elderly parents
Original poster

What to do when DM refuses ALL help

10 replies

lucysnowe · 29/06/2015 10:17

I've posted about DM before. She has a debilitating disease which makes it hard for her to walk, causes joint pain, and can lead to depression etc. She gets NO help for it. No doctors, no medical treatment, no prescription pain killers, no one visiting to help, not even a stick. She does buy cream from amazon which is meant to help and takes paracetamol. She never leaves the house.

This has been the case for a long while now. But my Dad is old now and has trouble looking after her and things have just got to a turning point I think - she's stopped getting clean I think. So as a family we need to step up and tell her she needs help. The thing is we have been saying this for 15 years and she shrugs it off. But this time we REALLY need to tell her, it really needs to be a turning point. How to do it? I think a short sharp shock would profoundly disturb her, but we really need to do something before things get any worse.

Any advice appreciated, as ever :)

OP posts:
twentyten · 29/06/2015 10:23

Hi Lucy. It sounds really hard- sorry. Is there anyone your mum listens to? Relative? Vicar? Your dad? It took a visit from two hunky firemen to pursuade my dm an alarm would be a good ideaSmile. And a financial advisor to convince my mil she needed a will/ to sign power of attorney. And a policeman to tell her she could no longer drive.
Does your dad visit gp? Has he had a carers assessment?
It's so hard when they won't be helped. Good luckThanksThanks.

Original poster
lucysnowe · 29/06/2015 21:49

Hi 2010 thanks so much for the reply.

It's hard as she doesn't listen to family and has no other contacts. (I am being negative I know.) I did consider an advisor but that was refused. It is very hard to get through to her she is so stubborn :( Dad regularly goes to the GP for his eyes and prostate, so he is fine and complains to doc but I don't know if the GP is doing anything. I mentioned carer's allowance to them but again no joy as they think they have too much money. As you say it's soooo hard. :(

OP posts:
whataboutbob · 30/06/2015 13:32

Carer's allowance is not means tested, and neither is attendance allowance which it sounds your mum should be getting. Maybe tell them that, it's money the govt sets aside for people who need it, so they can spend it on stuff to make their lives easier- cleaners, taxis, stuff around the house.
The other important thing is for you to be mindful of your own needs and stress levels. In my father's case, he was deep in the Egyptian river as dementia encroached, he'd been a borderline hoarder for years and it got horrendous. Social workers popped in, he'd tell them everything was tickety boo, they'd close the case. It was only as he lost capacity that a lot more was done, via GP, the demntia team and me as I had power of attorney and gradually took over all his affairs and sorted out various messes. If I had to face this situation again (and I hope to God I don't!) I would tell myself to be a lot less stressed about it, to do what I could but then go home and try and switch off until the next visit. Easier said than done, I know.

Original poster
lucysnowe · 30/06/2015 13:42

Thanks, yes, I have told them about the allowance but they still think they shouldn't get it.

(I am sounding very negative sorry, am taking things on board.)

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I think the same might happen here, nothing until really it's very late...

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 30/06/2015 13:46

Could the gp send a letter calling her in for a general check up having been primed on what the issues are? Then he can point out that your dad can't do it all etc.

twentyten · 30/06/2015 16:17

Elder lies do seem to respond more to authority figures - could the go do a home visit?
Good luck. Could age UK help or offer advice?

twentyten · 30/06/2015 16:18

Lucy don't worry about being negative. Feel free to rant.

wafflyversatile · 30/06/2015 16:37

Maybe if you said it was out of concern for your dad? Hmm

Original poster
lucysnowe · 30/06/2015 21:13

thanks, yes I will contact Age UK. I have contacted the charity covering her illness as well but no reply yet. I fear if they did a home visit she wouldn't let them in :( the amount of care he has to do is one of their main arguments so that is quite a fraught subject.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 30/06/2015 21:17

Maybe pick a single issue at a time and work on that? e.g. just work on getting someone to do the cleaning, grit your teeth and forget everything else until that's done, then make that the think end of the wedge.

What are you most scared of happening? What is most likely to happen as the result of her refusing to get any help?

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