Persuading parents to accept outside help

[Mouseymum]

Hi all,

My parents have become increasingly unable to look after their home due to disability and illness. Their bungalow is very small, and also they hoard things. It is a mess, and it makes it difficult to bring my toddler to see them. The garden has run wild. I do what I can, but they need a cleaner and a gardener to keep their home safe. How do I persuade a very stubborn and independent couple to accept help? They are really burying their heads in the sand on this one. DM especially buys more and more stuff with nowhere to put it, and rather than making any attempt to clean or tidy (she is able to do basic cleaning tasks) she goes out with friends, usually shopping. Any advice appreciated, TIA!

Do they ask / expect you to do it?
Or do things just get left undone?
I think if they are usually hoarders, this probably isn't a good time to worry about changing that.

Would it help if you did some investigative work for them ? - Found out who might be available locally, and what it would cost them and what it would get done ? Find out if they are entitled to any allowances to support them living independently (if they worry about money) ?

Hello I feel for you and have no simple advice. My dad was a hoarder and it gt worse as dementia encroached. It was getting to the point where I had difficulty entering his bedroom, and his kitchen was horrendous. I tried writing him an earnest letter with suggestions and offers of help- he denied ever receiving it. He would retrieve anything I threw out . To add to the mix he lives with my brother who has mental illness and shares his hoarding tendencies. In my case (. And all cases are different} what has made a difference is 1] dad finally got good carers who undertake housework,caring duties permitting 2} his dementia is now such that I have been able to shift about 20 bin bags full of rubbish without any protest from him and 3] my brother has received treatment and accepts some stuff has to be chucked out.
Broadcaster Jasmine Harman has done programs about her hoarding mother and also has a good website about hoarding .

Thanks both. They don't expect me to do it - things just get left undone. It's difficult as they have a decent amount of savings but they think they're poor so an easy excuse is 'we can't afford to get anyone in', but they could really, they just want to avoid the issue. It wouldn't hurt for me to investigate costs and options though. I've thought about presenting them with an ultimatum involving granddaughter not coming to stay until they take action, but emotional arguments with DM would inevitably follow.

Sorry to hear about your situation, whataboutbob. Thank you for your suggestions, I'll look at Jasmine's website.

IT'S classic of hoarders that they don't ask for help. Or if they do it's in a very nebulous way- "one day I'd like to tidy the garage" but if you mention concrete steps needed to get to decluttering they start to panic.
Ironically my Dad also pleaded poverty and when I got power of attorney I relaised he had more than enough for a regular cleaner, new kitchen units, and stuff around the house that actually worked rather than cast offs and junk from the charity shop.
Ironically, much of his savings have gone on paying carers, and he doesn t even realise it.
Maybe taking the angle: "spend it now while you can enjoy it" would be a way forward?

It's not just mine that are like that then with their money! Gosh I find it so frustrating!

It was a poor decision to move to this bungalow in the first place, it's so small. Tonight I have actually found myself so angry with the house itself for causing so much grief. I am staying there and the whole day has been filled with 'I can't find this' and 'help me find that'. I'm fed up of not being able to open a door properly due to all the stuff, and of having to physically brush against DM or df anytime I want to get past. But they are content to live in the miserable environment they've created for themselves, when there are things they could do to make it better, like geting paid help, and getting rid of stuff. I don't get it. I wish I wasn't an only child!