My Dad is wearing my Mum out and I'm really cross with him

[ratsintheattic]

My Dad is very physically limited and in his late 80s. Mum cares for him completely. He is quite nasty to her at times and she resents him massively. They have been married for 50+ years and have always had a tempestuous relationship of the 1950s model. I find myself being really cross with him thinking my Mum is going to kill herself looking after him (as my MIL did looking after FIL). I take DM out and try to be here for her as she finds the situation so trying. She won't accept caring help and only grudgingly allowed me to get her a cleaner. My trouble is I find myself wishing Mum could spend her last years in a better way which realistically means I'm either wishing my DF dead or them divorced. She should have divorced him 30 years ago and she accepts that but feels it's just too late now.

I don't know what I'm asking really- just am I a terrible person or is this a fairly normal way to think?

Not really, you care for your mum and your Dad sounds like a lifelong bully. At least you can be there for her, I am sure it is a huge comfort for her. I'm sorry there's no easy solution, as you know all too well I'm sure. Ditch the guilt though, it serves no purpose.

Why won't she accept carer's help? Martyrdom is very overrated. She needs to look after herself & accept whatever help is on offer. Ask her what she thinks will happen if she becomes too ill to look after him.

Mum knows he would have to go in a home as I would not look after him. It's really him that doesn't accept carers and she won't rock the boat.
The guilt had ramped up a notch as he was admitted to hospital yesterday probably exactly same time I was writing my post

YANBU.

Hope all is ok today under the circumstances.