Long slightly complicated situation, help required.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

My mum is about to turn 66, my dad, 68. Mum is retired, receives about £500 per mth from state & private pensions. Dad is 'retired' i.e. took out his private pension (took cash sums 3 years ago) but is still working full time. He earns (I think) about £42/43k a year (£2850ish per mth). Mum has debt about £7k on credit cards, dad has at least £28k (that I've found, there could be more).

Mortgage paid off, dad has a car worth about £6/8k, but clearly depreciating as high mileage due to job.

Mum has just had a bad fall, broken both ankles & currently in hospital about 400 miles away (visiting family) & likely to be kept in after op for at least 6 weeks.

Dad looking to get compassionate leave to care for mum when she's allowed back home. Current debt situation (IMO) means that's not a realistic option. But I'm concerned he's not going to be thinking straight & not fully appreciate the risk to the roof over their heads if he stops work completely to care for mum (suspect work may take this opportunity to 'encourage' him to properly retire).

1st thing I need to know is what kind of help might the qualify for (we are in Scotland ) and when would be best time to apply for what mum will need to help her recovery. I realise this will be a long road ahead, but I'm trying to find out more about help we can hope for, to allow me to persuade my dad to not stop working (cos he needs to clear his debt) but perhaps work from home a few days a week, while I help out the other days.

Any help/advice on what lies ahead & what help we might be able to secure, would be appreciated.

They are 66 and 68, and obviously both of sound mind. Your father is earning a much higher than average wage. I'm not sure why you are concerned or need to get involved.

What does he spend his £40k+ per year on if they have no mortgage and its just the two of them? I would have thought he could clear that debt in 12mths, and still have the average annual income left to live on.

Do you have anything helpful or constructive to advise? If not, don't bother answering my query. I didn't ask your opinion on why I was seeking advice or why I was getting involved. I asked for help/advice on what help my mum might be able to get, once home, to give me an idea as to the needs she can have met by outside sources while myself & my dad pick up the rest.

Now if you've no idea or clue, don't bother answering.

Oh.

Well I was going to post what I know, but as you may deem it not sufficiently helpful and constructive, I won't.

Is there a chance she could move hospitals after the op?

Hasn't the occupational therapist given you info? With those earnings I doubt you'd get any financial help apart from equipment being loaned for a certain period.

You're clearly very stressed from your response to previous posters. I tend to agree with them but I do see why you are concerned and want to help

I'm not in Scotland and things may be different there but I would imagine your dads income will mean that there is little help available . I wouldn't get too stressed about it until nearer the time of discharge when you will have a better idea of what help your mum will need - you may be able to get away with a couple of hours of private care a day which shouldn't be too costly .

(Basically what they said ^^ )

Before your mum is realeased the physio will find out about home conditions with regard to what help your mum needs. I think, but do not know for certain that the first few weeks of carers are free. After that you will have to contribute. If your dad gives up work to care for her, their savings and income will be considered before any financial help is Given.

AGE UK is a brilliant charity in these circumstances, I would phone them and they will send you fact sheets regarding what help is available and what financial assistance you are entitled to.

Depending on where you live your mum might be sent to a a rehabilitation centre, where they will help her gain the use of her legs and teach her how to use crutches safely, and how to transfer in an out of a bed and a chair.

None of this can be decided until after they are able to judge your mums progress, so there is no need for your dad to be rushed into making decisions.
Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Thank you, youramean, it's simple basic facts like there is likely to be no help that I need to confirm. I suspected as much, but knowing my dad, he'll just kick up hell 'demanding' help & causing problems where they aren't needed. My dad might be a high earner but he's thinking of stopping that for an unknown period of time, so won't be able to pay his (or her) debt, and despite being of apparent 'sound mind' he's not thinking clearly or logically at this time. Their home is the only asset they have & he was supposed to have cleared all his debt when he cashed in his pension so his debt situation is news to me & it's really fucked up their security (again). I'm 400 miles away & can't speak to anyone other than which ever nurse is caring for my mum when I call so I'm completely out of the loop & getting 2nd hand info from my dad who is prone to being over dramatic & exaggerates things for effect. My mum was at deaths door the 1st night I spoke to him, when the fact is she's in pain & it's serious but she's not at risk or dying just yet!

I'm getting involved because I have to, and I'll need to be the one to get everything sorted & organised cos my mum is the one who tries to do that when she's here, & my dad is the bury your head in the sand type. I need the cold hard facts to be blunt with him, to make sure he knows what he needs to do i.e. keep working & clear that debt, instead of over dramatically stopping working to care for my mum when we can do that between us.

I'm trying to manage an impossible man in a difficult situation & I'm simply looking for details on the limits of what's likely to be out there for them, as a result of his financial situation, to focus his mind on what important so they don't end up losing their home.

Thank you florentine, that's helpful.

I'm driving down south next week after mums had her op, to speak to the doctors etc & get an idea as to what will happen next. We don't know if/when/how she'll be transported back up to scotland & I don't think the docs know yet either until after her op. I know it's a bad break on both ankles so until they've done the op they don't yet know how they'll fix it & then how her recovery will be impacted by the op outcome.

Thank you for the helpful posts, I appreciate the information.

Try Age Scotland, which is the Scottish bit of Age Uk. Phone number is 0800 470 8090.

If it's anything like the English one, they give cracking advice. If the care service in Scotland is anything like the English one, you will prob get nowt as it counts as 'social care' which is chargeable, whereas NHS stuff is 'health care' and free. Age do debt advice as well.

Very great sympathy for the difficult task you are facing. There isn't advice on Handling Hysterical Parents, which would be the one we all need.

Please don't assume that there is no help. The team looking after your mum will have her medical needs as a priority.

From my experience they are also used to dealing with unreasonable partners very deftly.

I do feel for you because I know what hell it is dealing with a difficult parent. They can make the situation ten times worse. Can I ask you what area your mum is in at present.

Hysterical parent sums my dad up perfectly. I'm a bit anxious myself too though

My mum is currently in Lincoln, she's from Glasgow.

Thank you again for the replies.

My dad is coming back on Monday & is intending to go to work Tuesday to ask for compassionate leave, even though we don't yet know the full picture or timescale or rehab options etc. What I'm hoping to do is get him to understand the basics i.e. there are possibly limits on the help we can expect & the day to day care can be covered between us (he can work from home, I'm free 2 days in the week) and he needs to concentrate on the debt mountain to keep that worry away from my mum.

I'll phone the numbers given & try and get some more specific advice.

Thank you again for the help.

Is flattery like to work on your father - he's too valuable to leave his day job?

If you get a few costings for private care (even basics like a cleaner), you may be able to demonstrate that will be more cost-efficient than him leaving his well-paid job.

Not sure about the flattery but it's worth a try. His ego is massive but completely out of kilter with reality & while he thinks he's a very important man, not sure his work sees it that way!

The idea of costing up the help if it's not available due to their finances is a good idea too. I think the more cold hard facts I can gather, the better chance I have of getting through to him & getting him to focus on keeping working (I'll broach the debt later, I think hitting him with too much input from me will just bring up the walls & we'll get nowhere).

Thanks for your suggestions though, it's good to get other views when in the thick of it.

Is your mother one to stay quiet and just let him carry on with his drama and ego? Hopefully, as a pp has said, the professionals will have seen this all too many times before and know how to deal with it.

The distance does not make this easy at all does it. From what you say tho, it sounds like your dad would be the same regardless of distance so you may not be any worse off