mum driving me mad!

[nevis42]

My dad died 3 years ago and since then mum has done nothing but complain, birch and moan about everyone....never a nice word to say. As of the past 3 months she has been without a car so I take her shopping, get her nails done etc. My brother lives nearer so he takes her to bingo and picks her up. Last week he fell asleep after working all day so didn't pick her up. She phoned me to complain...you would have thought my poor brother had committed a murder the things she was calling him! Today I went round to take her to get nails done. I happened to say the ciggarette fluid she was using wasn't nice. Well next thing she tells me she knew I would complain, never have a good thing to say, don't do anything and that her friends always praise her. I was fuming! Told her next time her bloody mates can take her to have her nails done then and then I went to calm down while she got ready. Mum was ok in the car. I parked up and mum opened the door smashing it into the next car with the man in it! Naturally he got out and mum shouted at him that the marks on his door were already there and just walked off! I was so embarrassed. I was left to apologize to him which he was good about but he said would have been nice if she had said sorry.
The rest of the day was tough to say the least and I've got to go through it all tomorrow as she wants to go food shopping. Sorry but need to rant. My mum has developed this really acid tongue and says the most awful hurtful things. I know there's no answer but least I can let RIP on here thank goodness :-(

You absolutely poor thing as we have three of them on the go. Our world is filled with listening to the same thing over and over again or moan moan moan.
If you are nice, kind lovely dutiful children, there is very little you can do except develop a thick skin.
You could tell her , what's what, but it sounds as though she is very angry and sorry for herself and she is taking out on you.

I have no solution for you. I try and detach myself from it but it is sooo stressful. Horrible as it is, I am afraid I wish they would die. ( I hope God will forgive me as I love them really) The quality of their life is so poor now and their selfishness is ruining our peace of mind. They take a myriad of pills every day and exist in a daze.
Lots of Hugs, flowers, chocolates and gin and tonics. Xx

Ah thank you for your kind reply. I really don't know how you manage with three as one is bad enough! I feel guilty as what should be a pleasure to see Mum I now see as such a chore and my brother feels the same. She really is very lucky in that she has money and good health but can't understand why people don't visit so much! The slightest twinge she does get ......Well it's like dealing with a small child. My mother in law has a pacemaker, had two heart attacks and is almost blind......She is always a pleasure to see, always happy and never complains. Yes, I do know I shall be (hopefully) 76 one day but Lord help me if I act like my mum! I find myself coming away after my visits angry and frustrated. My husband knows what mum's like and listens patiently while I have a quick rant. I also know many people would love to still have their mum's with them. I don't wish her harm......just wish she'd shut the *k up sometimes

That bottle of Friday wine will slip down nicely tonight!

Learn the pleasing power of the Nodathon, with added Switching Off. My dad, who can monologue complaints for up to 2 hours, has much the same irritation capabilities. Try, try, try to ignore it and just say 'yes' as required; sooner or later this starts to work and you let it float over you, I promise.

Why do so many old people get so nasty?

Several friends have set records for sudoku and crosswords whilst on the phone to elderlys..... They do not change. We have to find a way to manage ourselves. And rant when you need to!!

We live over a hundred miles away from them all and before I went on a Mindful course, I once sobbed bitterly all the way home. I had lived with my DF for three weeks because he was ill with a chest infection.

He had been so rude and ungrateful that I actually wondered if I could get away with Murder on the grounds of my diminished responsibility. He had always been horrible though.

I don't think old people become horrible because they are old. I think they are always horrible but their horriblessness justs bubbles to the surface as they thing ' what the heck' I am going to die any minute so I might just as well be myself.

MyDF never decorated his house for 25 years as he was going to die any minute. He died having reached nearly 100. His family ( us) looked after him until the end. phew!

We came away yesterday, having visited one in hospital, who insists they are going back into their own home, ( I am not having carers, over my dead body etc, which it probably will be) even though they can't walk, and then we visited the others who spent the whole time telling us the same thing over and over again. When my mind wandered, I got banged on the arm and asked ' are you paying attention'

Someone might say' well you are being mean and you might be like them one day' but we seriously won't be, because they have made no provision for their old age at all. They have stayed in unsuitable huge houses and waited for the crisis to come and are leaving all the mess to be cleared up by us.

Much as I love them I think they are pretty selfish.
I am not going to do it to my own DC's.
We are preparing as I write to move into purpose built easily run accommodation.

My DCs have POA and I have told each of them where all the paper work is. They have copies of our wills and we have funeral plans and insurance to pay off inheritance Tax.

Dealing with the PIL and my own Parents has taught me a big lesson. Do some PLANNING. Move before you can't cope with moving. Don't just hope for the best.
Be cheerful and grateful for any help you receive. Try not to be constantly moaning.
Hugs, another Gin and Tonic and go on a Mindful course. Best of luck. You have my utter sympathy.

Brilliant post hole- fantastic advice. Having spent 6 years dealing with ILs who moved from a decent sized nice village with all amenities and walkable into a remote village of 100 in their 60s and dealing with the strokes/ dementia fallout we are in a nice area with a. Bus stop outside our house and all amenities close.
Mindfulness is a great call. They made choices- may sound callous but it is true. Take care.

I think you need to start thinking about how this will managed going forward. Your mum is relatively young and although is recently bereaved ( really sorry for your loss), if you get stuck in this rut this could be your relationship for the next 20years.

Was she like this when your father was alive? And it was moderated by him or does she need grief counselling support ?

I would be seriously thinking about how you respond to her poor behaviour from this point onwards (personally I have a low level of tolerance!).

I feel for you, it is like a problem for which there is no solution.

Are you able to distance yourself just a bit to make her realise what you do for her.

When my already spiteful mother was widowed I got the full force of her venom. One day after, yet again, undertaking
an hours journey, involving 3 buses, a newborn and a toddler, I was told. "People tell me how lucky I am to have a daughter. But I think friends are so much better, I don't know what I would do without them.

This was the final straw I stopped visiting and phoning for a while and she changed her tune. It was too late by then I really did not care. I still visited but I did a lot less for her.

My dad died nearly 2 years ago.
My mum....never the easiest of women - has become a bitter and hateful person.
No, my dad should not have died at 67 before he retired, but she has been left financially well off and all 3 of her children love.on the same town.
I wish I had a solution.
I think ppl are spot on...move before you have to, make.wills and sort.out poa.
I hope.I never treat My dc like she treats me

I think a lot of us are dealing with parents/ ILs whose attitude has been "I will never go into a care home, I'll come out of my own home feet first etc etc" and hold on to some fantasy of "independence " when in fact their living arrangements are propped up by ever more frazzled children. I went through it with my grandad, i literally had to carry him out of his home, put him in a car (he had Parkinsons and cancer) he tripped and fell in the appartment landing, had to pick him up again, took him to hospital and form there he eventually went into a home. He'd made no plans really, and my guilt was huge. Now with my Dad, I also felt guilt (for not moving in a being his full time carer), but in a way was prepared to meet it and face it down as it really had eroded me with my grandad.
I like to think i won't be so stubborn/ deluded when my time comes to face up to a loss of independence. But who knows...

I know how you all feel. My parents made no provision to make life easy for themselves in their final years. I tried to encourage them to move into 'retirement living' accomodation near to me but it was too much upheaval and inconvenience. Well not nearly so much inconvenience as it has been since DF died suddenly (albeit he was 86 but in good health) leaving DM (84 and in poor health) living on her own in an unsuitable house with the nearest relative over 70 miles away and all of us with enough comittments to fill our days already without the added burden of having to chase around after DM.

DM claims she has been "abandoned" by her family. She has had my DB1 runnng around after like a blue arsed fly using up his annual leave (from 2 jobs) to take her to appointments. I (who already care for my disabled DD) have visited practically every 2 weeks, using my respite hours for DD to do so, and taken my DH with me to do the myriad of DIY jobs and gardening that needs doing whilst I take her out shopping and sort out other 'problems'. DB2 who lives a 5 hour drive away visits when he can and his DW visits separately also - so one or other of them at least once a month. (They both work).

None of us have lived at home for at least the last 28 years so why my parents thought we would be there to care for them in their old age - given our circumstances, of which they were well aware, I'm not sure.

whilst DM is grateful for what we all do and thanks us when we are there, it doesn't stop the comments in the daily phone calls about things that haven't been done (because she hasn't asked for them to be done) or how is this going to happen because we are not there to do it.

I will certainly be making sure I live in a suitable property in my old age in a location that is accessible to public transport and shops, so as not to have to rely on my DS.

Just as a footnote. All of them have been in hospital recently and have been treated royally. We are a Medical family so we know what's going on. They all complain about their treatment and say that the staff in Hospital don't care about old people.
This is utter rubbish and is not our experience. My DH was there when a Physio tried to get my MIL out of bed to do some exercises, crucial to her future health, and she refused to move. She always looked very clean and was well cared for, but was very uncooperative.

And on another note,
One of my DCs, a Doctor, is on nights at the moment in a Geriatric ward. He says it is utter bedlam because of shortage of staff and the inability,because of Human Rights, to restrain anyone with dementia.

He says, you might have a very sick old person in one corner and another Demented but ambulant old person, in another, who is bed blocking. They cannot be restrained and so they wander about half the night, shouting. No one gets any rest. Someone has to sit in the room all night to guard them, and the other patients from them. This is a serious waste of money and a Nurses time.

He feels they aught to be restrained for the good of the rest. But there would be ' old people tied up' emotive head lines in the Daily mudslingers, so they just have to put up with this appalling situation. He says he feels very sorry for everyone working on this type of ward.

We will be voting for the government who is most likely to support Carers, old People and the NHS.

hole Having twice spent time on an adult ward (24/7) with my disabled DD I could write a book on the goings on with patients with dementia. And yes many of them are 'bed blocking' in fact in some cases I got the impression (from conversations I overheard) that in some cases it was nursing/care homes taking the p**s as these patients had come in from those settings.

In some cases it was many days before such patients were allocated a specific agency staff member to 'man mark' them. In the meantime they posed a risk to themselves as well as other patients. One such patient snapped his catheter (leaving the broken bit inside) as he wouldn't stay on the bed and had no one to ensure that he did. Another had a fall resulting in a broken hip as he tried to get out of bed. All this ended up costing more money to the NHS as they put right the injuries caused by not having enough staff to care for these patients properly. Not to mention the sleeping tablets they were having to dish out to the other patients so they had a chance of getting some sleep when confused patients were shouting out all night.

And the reason I was there 24/7 - was because my daughter is immobile so doesn't pose a risk to other patients. However, her medical condition dictates that she needs 1:1 care which she gets in every setting she is in - except the hospital. Without someone watching her she would at best take much longer to recover from the illness she was admitted with and at worst die unnecessarily.

Thanks for that big, I understand where you are coming from.

I feel very fearful for my DCs who are Doctors working in the NHS. I hate to see Doctors bashed on Mumsnet. Yes, of course some deserve it, but sometimes it honestly gets to feel like a daily occurrence.

I know it gets my DCs down when they have stayed on the ward for an extra two hours , unpaid, to try and save someone's life. They then pick up a paper and see the Profession denigrated. They definately feel that the critism includes them.
People's expectations are so high. They don't understand that diagnosing is not an exact Science. Doctors are not Gods.

When you see the amount of wrongdoing reported in the Daily Mudslingers, there is no mention of the millions of successful transactions that go on daily between Dr and Patient.

Mine have been sworn and shouted at by drunks etc. There are also loads of worried well and time wasters.
A&E can be really scary places at the weekend. My DD is a size 10 and weighs nothing. One blow....... Doesn't bear thinking about.
At least they have all have each other to tell.

In London they have set up a sort of group therapy for Doctors to try and prevent them from giving up and leaving. No one in their right mind would want to work as a GP in London.

Anyway, it cannot be compared to any other job, as it is life and death. They know perfectly well, my truly beautiful DCs, that any mistake made by them, ( never mind that they have been up for hours, all night ) , could result in a court case and dismissal.

Imagine living with that worry on a daily basis. I absolutely admire them.

Their insurance payments are also absolutely astronomical and have to be paid.
I honestly wish now that they had chosen anything other than Medicine.

I spent 5 weeks with my mum, who has Alzheimer's while she was in hospital. Everday all day. The staff were amazing. Every night while I quequed for the bus people would moan and complain about the hospital.

Nobody wanted to hear how wonderful I thought it was. "Oh you must have been lucky ". Over 200 hours of witnessing dedicated staff listening to abuse, without responding, I guess I was in a good position to judge.

Many thanks for all your advice and support. The majority of the time I do manage to switch off when she's moaning. But when mum starts saying I as a daughter should be doing this or doing that I really have to bite my tongue.....they haven't even met me! When mum phones and my husband answers she just asks for me in an abrupt manner, never asking how he is even tho he's recently had an opperation. My daughter joked the other day that she hopes I won't get like grandma......I gave her permission to shoot me if I did lol. My mum was pretty much like this when dad was alive and he used to say shut up woman! Mum forgets my brother and I are grieving too and I'm sure at times she uses her grief for attention