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Elderly parents
Original poster

Is it possible to cope at home with level of care needed?

15 replies

hiddenhome · 19/03/2015 12:06

MIL's mobility is very poor. Tbh, I don't know how she's still on her feet Sad she had painful arthritis and a duff knee.

We have talked about her coming to live with us as we have a downstairs loo, but I doubt that she'll be able to manage independently in that respect for much longer.

The next step would be full care, but I don't think we'd be able to manage. Even if carers came in four times a day, what about the toilet arrangements? I am actually a care of the elderly nurse, but I need to work and don't know how I would manage with doing home nursing as well.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 20/03/2015 12:01

Are you saying she would be alone at home for much of the day? If the carers came in 4 times a day what would they be doing - presumably getting her up and putting her to bed for 2 but what did you have in mind for the other two?

Also is she coping mentally? No dementia of any kind?

I am wondering if she could use a commode if she is alone and can't make it to the toilet.

I only have experience of my father who had dementia. He had 4 visits a day to change his pad and help him to the toilet but he was incontinent which in a way made it easier especially as the dementia meant the incontinence didn't upset him. My mother was there to feed him and make sure he was OK. They coped at home until he got pnuemonia and was admitted to hospital.

My parents did similar for my grandmother who also had arthritis and severe mobility problems but as my dad had retired by the time she came to live with them, she was never alone. I suppose the issue is not so much the care but the company. Could your MIL go to a day centre there is nobody home during the day?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 20/03/2015 15:05

No dementia at all. She likes to get up early due to arthritic discomfort, has a lie down after lunch, gets up around 4pm then back into bed around 9 I think.

Dh is retired so is at home during the day and I work part time. I just don't think dh would want to help her onto a commode. It wouldn't be nice for her either I guess.

I don't want to end up nursing 24 hours a day, so figured I'd run the house, laundry and cleaning and then carers could come in. My health isn't great, so I don't feel I could take everything on that's all. We have pets and two kids as well.

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tinkytot · 20/03/2015 15:24

hiddenhome Why don't you sit and talk it through as a family. You could still have carers to help her even if you husband is at home as it would probably be better for her from a privacy point of view.

What does she want? What would you like to happen & your DH ?

Would you consider trying it out & would she agree to intermittent respite to help you have some time off. Maybe then IF the time came going into care would be less traumatic for everyone?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 20/03/2015 16:46

I've asked him to speak to his sister about it. I don't want to interfere really. MIL has managed really well and I don't know how she'd feel about people coming in. We've already broached the subject of her coming to live with us and she seems okay about it, although a little hesitant.

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 21/03/2015 02:51

Yes, respite is very important for carers and perhaps, for the elderly who have all their faculties, it means they can have some respite from their family too. Some elderly don't like being a hurden do they but at the same time, they might not want to live full time in residential care.

It seems harsh but if your MIL comes to live with you, your DH might have to step up with regard to helping with taking his mother to the toilet. She can't wait until you or a carer is around to help her before she goes. You could get a frame to go round the toilet so for the time being, once he has got her there he could leave her to it. My Dad had to help my MIL in similar circumstances despite them not getting on that well before hand. (They had a new respect/affection as a result actually but I suppose it could go the other way). My Mum worked full time and my Dad had retired so he had to do it as there were no carers. If your husband can't do it, and his sister won't either then there maybe no choice but to put her in some sort of residential care. You can't physically do it all if you aren't there some of the time, even if you had your health too. As it is you need to take care of yourself.

Could your DH and his sister share the care as well - a fortnight or month with you and then the same with her? It might ease the burden too.

Sorry you are having to cope with this though. There are tough choices to make aren't there? I don't envy you. I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you all.

Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 05:53

You need to ask social work for a community care assessment.

Is she not getting care at home just now? That is where to start from.

Cherriesandapples · 21/03/2015 06:20

Whether your home is more suitable than her existing home is important. You may have a downstairs loo but is it an accessible toilet for someone if she becomes a full time wheelchair user.?
Is there enough space for an electric profiling bed with space for carers each side if she needs care on the bed or full hoisting? 3.6m minimum.
Could she have telecare in her existing property? Could she has physiotherapy now to improve mobility? Could she access some form of gentle exercise to improve mobility? She could access direct payments for care and with specialist equipment to support her she could have carers when she needs them rather than agency carers.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 21/03/2015 09:43

Thanks for all the replies Smile

She's in quite a bit of pain with her arthritis and her knee is hardly functional. She was given opioid patches for pain control a couple of years ago, but they made her sleepy and confused, so she chose not to take them. She can still manage self care, but it takes her ages.

She has to sit in a recliner chair for comfort, she can't be in a wheelchair for long as she gets stiff and feels the pain. The downstairs loo is small and I don't think a wheelchair would fit in, but we'll have to try it out. She has a raised loo seat and we'd need grab rails to be fitted.

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Original poster
hiddenhome · 21/03/2015 09:46

SIL lives in another country, so dh does her shopping, housework and organising meds etc.

OP posts:
Theas18 · 21/03/2015 10:01

What money does she have ? It is perfectly possibly to pay for 12 or 24hr care in your own home. She might be eligible for a personal care budget to allow you to buy care as needed.

However, if you are able to toilet her late at night and early morning it woukd be possible for carers to work out - toilet 6am ( you) , carers 9 ( breakfast , get up, wash, toilet, dress, leave drink within reach ), carers back at 12-1 ish, toilet , lunch , turn/ move leave drink, 4-5 carers back- tea, toilet, turn, drink and night tuck in - toilet wash maybe supper / drink and bed say 8.30-9. Maybe late loo stop.

As long as her brain is ok and she can voice her needs it can work - she'll say if she wants to be in a chair or in bed for a nap aware she's there till they return ( you may find she's better with an electric bed/ chair to help her change position a bit). She can say if she wants to read or have the tv on etc.

You may well need to rip out the downstairs loo and fit a wet room but you might be able to get a grant for that. But commodes come on wheels ( I only found out with mum) so you can pop someone on, and wheel thrm in place over the loo - bit more dignified then sitting in the middle of the living room!

Good luck doing what's best for you all. Be strong and don't take on anything you really can't manage it may be forever !

SophieandHerSnail · 21/03/2015 10:09

Are there any agencies in your area who could take it on? My FIL had to go into a home because there were no at home agencies with any capacity in his area.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 21/03/2015 12:26

I'll do some investigating about care agencies.

We'd need to convert the internal garage into a room for her as the house is a small new build. She could have a weekly shower at the care home I work in. It's just a few miles down the road.

I've been encouraging dh to clear the garage out so we can start having the work done. He's slow though Hmm I feel sorry for her and worry about her falling. Some of the people I care for are better on their feet than she is. You can see in her face what a struggle it is for her, but she doesn't complain about it. Dh goes over most days with her shopping and does the chores.

Thank you for listening. I don't really have anyone to talk it over with apart from dh and he just says "I know something needs to be done", when I voice my concerns. He is notoriously slow when it comes to getting things done. I normally have to do the organising, but I can't physically empty the garage by myself and most of the stuff is his.

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Jackieharris · 21/03/2015 14:41

You need a full social work assessment including an occupational therapist home visit.

They will assess her care needs then arrange care through agencies/equipment to be installed. Every effort will be made to keep your dmil in her own home.

You may be able to access grants as well.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 21/03/2015 21:21

Okay, I'll look into that, thanks Smile

OP posts:
Cherriesandapples · 22/03/2015 13:57

She would be only eligible for a disabled facilities grant once she is in your home. It is a means tested grant so she may have to contribute fully to the costs of any works.

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