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Elderly parents

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Original poster

This is going to be long but I need to vent - sorry...

17 replies

MonroetoAngeline · 08/03/2015 21:24

Mum has been diagnosed with dementia for 3 years. She had been managing (sort of) in her bungalow on her own. I had been making daily visits (I live 30 miles away, full time job, very understanding employer) to make her main meal and tidy her up. Christmas came and went - she was staying with me but wasn't really with it. She went back home, 2 days later her neighbour found her on the living room floor where she had been all night. She wasn't really with it, but did say that she wanted to be looked after. Social services were of no help at all, but I managed to get her into respite into a local (lovely) care home. She has been there since the first week in January and really seems to be thriving - she has got a lovely room looking out on the garden and on the surface appears to be enjoying it - she is getting regular meals, her medication daily, stimulation. We have had an assessment from Social Services and they have agreed that she should be in full time care - she was a hoarder so the house was full of accumallated stuff.

Issue is - we have had to start clearing the house sooner rather than later - went in a couple of weeks ago and saw some mouse droppings, on deeper investigation the bloody mice were everywhere - in every room, in every cupboard. If there was any chance of her going back, the council would have condemned it. I've had to clear it now, so much has been thrown away as it has been spoilt. I've been able to save photos etc.

My problem is that I feel so guilty - her 87 years has been reduced to a few boxes in my living room. She doesn't understand that she is staying in the home permanently - I tell her but she still asks when she is going home.

Don't know what I'm asking really - am I doing thr right thing by keeping her in the home? Don't know how else I could manage - I have considered cleanong the house up and moving in with her but I have a husband and a 10 year old daughter? Struggling to cope at the moment - very down.

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 08/03/2015 21:37

She's safe, fed, warm and has company. If she lived at her home you would constantly be worrying about all these aspects of your mother's life. Her need for care isn't going to diminish in the future. Your interaction with her can now be more social than practical.

You of course know all of this, and you sound like a thoughtful, sensitive daughter. I can't imagine that anyone will be coming on this thread to say that you're doing anything other than the right thing.

CMOTDibbler · 08/03/2015 21:41

How difficult for you. I've heard that people with dementia may ask about going home, not meaning the physical place, but wanting to be safe and normal.

Your mum is safe, being looked after, and you are able to be a mum to your dd - so nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Being the child of elderly, frail parents often feels to me like the bit where I went back to ft work when ds was a baby. Everyone had an opinion, and on any side they thought I wasn't doing a good enough job. Sigh.

Original poster

MonroetoAngeline · 08/03/2015 21:42

You're absolutely right, I do know all this. Mum is in a much better place. Trouble is I don't know how to handle the guilt.

OP posts:

Original poster

MonroetoAngeline · 08/03/2015 21:46

thank you CMOT - I do feel as though some of the extended family are judging me. Not that they are trying to help though.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 08/03/2015 21:51

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You can't leave your family and move in with her to care for her 24/7. You have done everything you had to in order to keep her safe and well.
FWIW dementia is awful. It is brutal and can feel like a bereavement. A loss of so much of what/who that person was.
You clearly love your mum so much. Look after yourself too.

PenelopePitstops · 08/03/2015 21:53

for you.

Don't feel guilty, please, she is happy, safe, fed, warm and being cared for. This is a far better situation than her living alone.

There is nothing to feel guilt for, you have done the best thing possible for your mum. She enjoys bring in her home, and you enjoy having more time. Would she really have wanted you to beat yourself up about this?

Ignore family. They don't understand the pressure having to look after someone with dementia brings. You understand so if it happens to one of them, you can be more sympathetic. You are doing the best thing for you, and your mum's, well being.

Look after yourself

twentyten · 08/03/2015 21:56

You have done an amazing job. Please don't feel guilty. Your mum may be referring to home as a previous home or childhood home.
Well done for finding somewhere where she is cared for and happy- you can focus on spending quality time with her and also look after your dd and yourself. Would you consider counselling? Please ignore the the comments. Nod and smile.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/03/2015 21:59

I'm in the same boat. My mum is 83 and my dds 7 and 10. The guilt is horrendous, but my Mum had also got to the point of lying on the floor all night after a fall (having only just left hospital after 6 months having had a bad fall and breaking her leg). Her house was also full of stuff. A lot of which is now waiting to be sorted out in my house. I have an older brother, and he doesn't feel the guilt as much as i do. He does the best he can (he visits once a month, as he lives a two hour drive away) and then doesn't feel bad about it, but I feel terrible every time she asks when she can go home. She knows her house has been sold, but wants to buy a new one which was the original plan, we hoped she just needed a transition period, to deal with the shift from hospital to home, but her confusion worsened quite quickly and it is clear she can't live alone. I couldn't have her living with me. Firstly it would eman us moving house and secondly she can't be left alone. Which would be impossible for me to juggle with the needs of my dds too.
I cling to the facts- she is safe, warm, fed, watched out for, kept clean and talked to. She has her medications on time and I visit two or three times a week. It isn't what she wants, but it is what she needs and that really is the best I can do. I'm sending a truly un-mumsnetty hug to you, from one struggling middle aged woman to another!

Rainicorn · 08/03/2015 22:00

As optimist said, she is safe, warm and fed with company. You don't have to worry that she will be found on the floor, or wander off.

I work with a gentleman with Alzheimer's in his house, and he asks to go home occasionally. Even if your mum was home, it might not be the home she remembers.

Be kind to yourself. You can't commit any more time than you already do. Caring for an elderly relative full time is very tiring and sometimes soul destroying.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/03/2015 22:03

I don't have much of an answer either to dealing with the guilt, just that I know it is the best I can manage, and that I have to come to terms with that. A stiff drink is sometimes the only answer when she has cried upon seeing me and said things like "I hate living here and I want to go home and no-one ever visits me..." That or chocolate icecream and a cheerful DVD!!!!!

Original poster

MonroetoAngeline · 08/03/2015 22:04

Wolfie - my nan had dementia too, she hadn't a clue who my mum was (her daughter) and was convinced I was a boy for 6 years. I'm determined my daughter doesn't go through that.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 22:05

You've nothing to feel guilty about. You made a round trip every day to help. That's a lot. She is being looked after in the home, being fed and kept warm.

Carrie5608 · 08/03/2015 22:07

Monroe Dementia is a really awful brutal disease. Your mum cannot cope alone. She is somewhere safe, clothed, fed etc Never again will she live in a rodent infested house or spend the night on the floor . You have done that for her.

Dementia is like a double bereavement, the person you loved and knew, your beloved mother is gone mostly although she is still there in all but mind. Yet you can't phone her up, ask her opinion or take her out to dinner. It's heart breaking.

Dad is similar, when I went to leave today he asked where I was going and when I said home he couldn't understand, sure I was home. ( I haven't lived there for 25 years.)
You are doing the best for your mum and for your Dh and Dc.

whataboutbob · 09/03/2015 09:13

Guilt is not logical, i often on an emotional level wanted to rescue my dad completely, felt i should move in to the house next to him, care 24/7 until 2 years of counselling finally made me realise the terrible price i would have paid for doing that- upset kids, resentful spouse, loss of job.And for what- he'd still have Alzheimers at the end of the day. God knows it's hard enough already just stepping up to the plate, not running away from the problem, taking control of practical issues and making sure they are safe. PS: my Dad was a hoarder too. It's hideous. I can't say how much junk I have chucked out of his home and it has been very satisfying! You did your best for your mum and as everyone said she is safe and cared for. You did that.

florentina1 · 09/03/2015 10:37

My mum went into a small care home 3 years ago. At 93 she looks years younger, and is much healthier than when she was at her own home.

She does not ask about going home, but when she did previously, I would say "tomorrow". She was happy with that. From what you have said, it seems like you have done the best thing.

originalusernamefail · 09/03/2015 10:43

You're doing the best you can by your mum OP. Dementia is a terribly cruel disease for all involved. For what it's worth my DGF used to ask to go "home" a lot but he didn't mean the place he had spent the last 30 years with my DGM, he meant his childhood home with his parents .

Oldieandgoldie · 10/03/2015 00:40

We used to say mum had to stay in the care home because 'The Doctor' said so. Very important people, these doctors, and not to be disobeyed! (Especially in the eyes of the older generations!)

I think it has taken her over a year to settle there; she's still not happy, but at least she is generally accepting of her changed circumstances. And is now, fitter and healthier than she has been for years (even with her mixed dementia/Alzheimers problems)

And as for so-called 'friends' who think they know best.....

Take time to look after yourself now.

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