Other people - just a rant, really

[DealForTheKids]

My dad has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and is now wheelchair-bound. My mum (who is significantly younger than him) is his carer now, but still works (albeit with flexible hours for the numerous doctors appointments). He has a number of co-existing health issues and pretty much needs full time care. I do try and get down to them as often as possible to help ease the burden on my mum but she's very insistent that she can handle it on her own - something that's probably the case for now but won't be for much longer.

I was talking to a friend of DH's at a dinner last week (someone who I thought was a friend of mine too) and we got onto the topic of leaving relationships. This woman said that she had no respect for people who don't leave bad relationships because everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I disagreed slightly (well ok - massively - she clearly doesn't understand the reasons women stay in e.g. DV situations) but decided it was perhaps less controversial to point out situations such as my parents', where my mum in her early 50s is facing a life of being a carer for the rest of dad's life. I pointed out that sometimes there are situations where you can't just leave. Said friend went on to say that people choose to feel guilt, that everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and that anyone can leave guilt free if they want to.

I (stupidly) responded by telling her my biggest fear - that mum will die before dad leaving me or my sibling to come home and take care of him full time. I explained that watching dad become more and more of a shadow of himself, in full time pain, is the worst thing ever and there is no 'guilt free' way that you can deal with that - that in fact I feel guilty just thinking about the fact that my biggest fear involves my mum being stuck as a carer for the rest of dad's life.

She responded that 'there are clearly ways around this, but you just don't want to hear them'.

There's been a resulting argument with DH cutting ties with her, but I just can't get this out of my head. Do people really think that? I know that my caring responsibilities pale in comparison to my mum's (and most of the people on this board's) but I now worry that whenever dad's situation comes up, people are secretly thinking that she/we are martyring ourselves?

I would give anything - ANYTHING - for my dad to be well, or for a way to free us of this situation. Some of the things that mum has to do (and, when she does let me help, I do) are just so incredibly upsetting, watching the big strong man of my childhood wince in pain when you gently change his socks.

I'm sorry for ranting on here. Her comment's just really affected me and now I can't help but think that when Dad comes up people are thinking that we're just not practical enough to come up with a solution that isn't utterly awful.

Hi DFK didn't want your post to go unanswered. I also face these issues because I have overall responsibility for my Dad's care (he has Alzheimers) prior to this it was my grandpa who had Parkinson's and Cancer. Oh and my brother who lives with my Dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia the year Dad had his dementia diagnosis. My mum died 20 yrs ago and there has been no one else around or willing to pick up the pieces. Just a couple of days ago DH told me that for as long as he'd known me "you've always had something" and he outlined he has also faced the illness and death of people close to him (aunt, grandparents) , but doesn't get as involved and stressed as I do. I think maybe the difference here is he has not had the responsibility for their welfare.
Anyway, obvioulsy none of us would choose to have debilitating illness visited on our nearest and dearest, and become their carers. Personally I have had counselling to help me cope with the stress and pull back emotionally. But your mother can't pull back, your father depends on her care. Sometimes there really is no easy answer to this conundrum and we know that it only ends with the death of the person concerned.
I suspect that the woman in question probably has her own issues and has other become frustrated at seeing someone close run themselves ragged through being a carer, or maybe harbours guilt of some kind for not doing more herself. I think it should be the first rule in speaking with people who are in this situation, not to be judgemental. But unfortunately, if you do nothing people will slate you for that, and if you do a lot they will also have a go at you. But basically she was really out of order.