Feel guilty but am bit fed up.

[kansasmum]

My mum is 87 and we lost my Dad 18 months ago which obviously was devastating for us all.
Mum lives alone and copes well, she has rheumatoid arthritis and recently sadly had a bleed in the retinal vein in her eye which means her sight is no longer good enough for driving.
My sister lives 7 miles from my mum I live 2 miles.
I do the lions share of care, take get to ALL her Hosp appts, drs appt, take her to the hairdresser weekly, sort her meds, supervise her weekly injections, help her go shopping, sort out things like bank statements, ordering heating oil, insurance for house etcetc - You get the picture.
Also try and take her out for lunch or coffee sometimes.
My sister has her over most Sundays for about 3 hours for lunch.
And that's it.
I understand mum is frustrated that she can't drive but she has a very good friend who does help by driving mum to the village and does take her shopping if I can't.

Mum CONSTANTLY tells me how marvellous my sister is and how wonderful she is but moans that I am always rushing off somewhere and am 'so' busy ( insert sarcasm!)I have 3 kids one is 8 the others are adults and working. Eldest dd us expecting first baby in June. I work 5 mornings a a week.

Mum won't help herself at all for example refuses to even consider using taxi.
I'm just fed up of nothing I do ever being good enough. If she has a problem she ALWAYS calls me never my sister.
I do so much of the stuff like appts, meds etc that I don't feel like spending social time with her but then feel guilty. Especially when she moans at me.
Have spoken to my sister about thus but she just says she's too busy to help and just tells me she can't do any appts.
God I miss my Dad:(

Sorry for long moan.
Am I being unfair to my mum? Should I make more effort?

You have my sympathies! I am in a similar position to you with my parents and sister though not on a day-to-day basis as both my sister and I live out of the country. But I get all the difficult stuff (emergencies/hospitals etc) while my sister brings her DC over for holidays and doesn't want any responsibility.

I think you are a saint. I think you sister is certainly very cool- what would she do if you offered to take over the 3 hour lunch and she did your share?

my sister did nearly everything for my mother because I live in a different country. In return, I told my mother constantly how great my sister was, and agreed when she told me how wonderful she was, I tried to do as much as I could when visiting, I expressed thanks constantly, and I recognised that my sister got the final vote on anything and sucked it up if I disagreed slightly.

I'm not sure is it worth asking your sister again to discuss the divying up of responsibilities? I also think you should tell your mum straight out "I feel very bad when you complain about me and praise sister when I am doing my very best to help you and support you as much as possible". Worth a try anyway. I suspect your mum has slotted you in to the role your dad took and hardly notices- so is still waiting for you to do the daughter stuff of a weekly lunch, ignoring the fact that you are doing everything else for her.

You are being a really good daughter to her. Not unfair at all.

It's hard isn't it? I don't have a Mother/Daughter relationship with my mum really. I have more of a carer role. I try hard but nothing I do is good enough but I'm the one who has to sort it all out!
She is very good at guilt tripping -always has been.
She's not interested in me as a person. I would never EVER go to her with a problem. I'd go to my best friends mum first.
I see my friends relationships with their mums and feel sad.

She's been much worse since darling Dad died. Never realised how much he made up for her behaviour.

Oh my goodness, you are so lovely. The only practical thing I can think of is to not be available for a week (are you due holidays) so that they might realise how much you do? Maybe that is harsh but cruel to be kind and all of that.

Actually we are hoping to have a really nice holiday in October, possibly 2 weeks in Mexico! I am saving hard!
Do you know - every SINGLE time I have gone on holiday in the last 5 years my mum has been ill- some requiring brief hospital admission! My sister has dealt with it but constantly phoned me on holiday to tell me what a hard time she's having. It's never been anything life threatening- broken bones, issue with her meds.

Bet she is ill when I go away in October!

It's very hard when parents assign roles to their DC. I try to be helpful and supportive and get accused of "taking over" (who else exactly was going to do the shit they are unable to do themselves?!); my sister is "so good" for finding time to visit and it must be exactly according to her agenda...

You have my sympathy Bonsoir. It's very frustrating!

I did actually shout at my mother about this recently. Not proud but sometimes I cannot bear any longer the way she moans constantly about people who are hardworking, dutiful and kind and tells them it's not good enough...

kansasmum, when my sis went on hols, I would go on my own and stay close to mum so she had someone nearby. Didn't phone sister at all except to reassure her. Ditto when my mum came to visit me (I went over and back with her) I would try to severely limit her calls to my sister so she got a break.

Your sister is living in cloud cuckoo land where you take care of everything. When you are away in October, maybe tell your sister outright that this is what you deal with every day and if she can't cope with it for 2 weeks, maybe she needs to ask how you do it all the time.

the head of HR in my company (US) says elder care issues are the biggest cause of people wanting time off/reduced time/flexi time etc.

Hi Kansas reading this I was reminded of something I read a couple of years ago. People who have had good childhoods and secure parenting often find it a lot easier to separate from their parents. On the other hand, if your relationship with your parent was not so good, you find it harder to detach and keep going back to try and make things better, to correct what was wrong when you were a child. Could some of this be happening here? My Dad has Alzheimers, he was not a great parent (but had quite a few qualities as a person) and when his dementia was setting in I felt I had to do absolutely everything and was constantly dashing over to his place to sort out the latest mishap. I was looking for total approval I guess, from him and from wider society ("what a good daughter"). I considered moving in to the house next to him with DH and DCs and basically taking over his life. It took me nearly two years of counselling to claw back some control over my life and emotions (but others on this board have found shorter periods of couselling helpful too). I am still very much involved, but not to intensely and in a way that is less draining for me.
It may be that as people get older and more fixed in their beliefs and habits that unconditional approval of their children is even less likely to be forthcoming, and working out some ways of protecting yourself emotionally, and laying down some boundaries may be the way forward.

I think you need to go away sooner tbh. October is a long way away and I would cut off the phone- hoenslty your sister lives only seven miles away. Stop being so available, i have been where you are and you need to look after your own needs too

Whataboutbob- think you might be right. Sadly.
My husband has been away all week so I am not going to visit mum this w/e as I want to spend time with him and next week I'm on training course all week 8.30-5.30 so can't be around! Well the course is not on Weds but I didn't correct my mum when she assumed it was Mon-Fri ( did feel guilty though).
I have to say I'm looking forward to the break ( bit pathetic that a training course is what provides me with a break) and have been ignoring digs from my mum about how she will see no-one and speak to no-one and how I should be taking her to a funeral on Tuesday.
We were living in the US for 5 years and I think my sister feels I should ' make up' for that time although we've been back 8 years nearly and my parents were fit and well most of the time we were overseas and she only had ONE health crisis with my mum in those 5 years! My sister still phoned me when we were in the Grand Canyon on vacation to tell me and did suggest I might like to fly over- I didn't.

Mum phoned me to say there were a lot of papers that needed sorting- yet my sister was there on Thursday and she didn't like to ask her cos she was busy!

I'm probably my own worst enemy- too much of a people pleaser.
I wouldn't mind but every time I present a solution to my mum for one problem, she finds an excuse as to why it won't help etc. she LOVES being a martyr.
If I try and say something about her behaviour she just starts crying and says I don't understand how hard it is for her without Dad and then I feel bad and that what she wants so I put up and shut up I suppose.

Hi Kansas. This sounds really tough but I think Bob offers some very wise advice and insight. My dm moved at 80 up the road from me and I have really struggled over the last 5 years balancing expectation, guilt and my life. I have found that working out what I am prepared to do and protecting myself helps- I am self employed and my dm believes I work far much more than I actually do! It was really important for me to get other care in place for my mum- cleaner/ Gardner carer to help her shower etc. sounds like that could help- asap to get her used to it.
It is tough- counselling does help. Good luck- there are some wise women on this board!

Huge hugs. I totally identify with the situation !

Is the hairdressing a social thing or just to get her hair fixed. If the latter then could you find a mobile hairdresser to come to her? Likewise, could she have shopping delivered-set it up once then reorder the same every week? Suggest that these things would give you more time do spend with her socially. Then can you bring her over to your sometimes just to sit on the sofa and hangout with you guys as you go about in the weekend/evening. That might be less stress than always taking her out? Ask your sister to please hold the fort while your on hols as you need time off. Have you got all the help you are entitled too with regards care? Some doctors have volunteers who do appointment runs etc.

Also,would a mobile scooter help her get to shops etc?

Unfortunately I have suggested all these things:- taxis, getting someone in to clean, etc etc and she refuses and won't accept it. She has the money to afford it. She has a gardener once a week who, frankly, is crap but she won't get rid of him and he does cut the grass etc. She has nearly 2 acres of garden! She can't manage it but won't move. Even now she can't drive she will NOT even consider moving into the village. She lives just over a mile out.

She moans about being a prisoner in her home but won't accept that using taxis would actually give her independence.

She wants to moan, I think she like making me feel guilty sometimes although I'm aware that I am allowing her to make me feel bad.

She's fallen out with really old friends- over her bloody dog. The dog is horrible. It's nipped everyone in my family- not a bite but nipped which could turn I to a bite in my opinion. She will not accept this. My sister hates the dog too. My mother got the dog when it was 2 it's 5 now. She has done no training with it, completely spoils it. It bit my Dads dearest friend who they have been friends with for 40+ years. She blames the friend and won't speak to him now. I am very good friends with them and see them a lot. They are my best friends parents. My mum hates that I do this. The dog's total lack of obedience and my mothers lack of control of it mean it's been the cause of 2 broken bones for mum! She wouldn't move the dog cos it was sleeping so tried to climb over it fell and broke her arm.
Then Xmas 2013 the dog pulled her over cos it doesn't obey even one command, and mum broke her shoulder.

Sadly even when she does something nice for me, it always ends up being about her.

God what an essay! Sorry! Obviously just needed to get it off my chest!

I wish she'd try and be bit more positive. She's 87, lives in her own home, has her faculties intact, apart from her RA and arthritis in her knee ( which she won't take pain meds for yet constantly says how painful it is) she is in very good health, she is very lucky. But thinks her life is awful. I've tried bringing up depression but actually I don't think she is depressed at all. She wants to be a martyr.
Oh well I'm off out with my DS today and then nice roast dinner with my Dh and kids so going to forget about her for today!

oh that sounds so hard!! and its so hard to step back when you're entangled in a situation, especially when its so emotional, I know it well. There's just no easy solution.

try to take care of yourself op and enjoy your day with your own family x

I agree build on the relationships with DH and DS, which have the potential to thrive and give back what you put in. Mum probably won't change, is playing some kind of guilt game. I know there are no easy solutions but minimising contact , doing the essentials then getting out might be the best option. Maybe if you manage this it will gradually dawn on her the manipulative stuff is not working. Interesting that she used the dog to alienate friends, friends whom you say have more of a parental role than she can manage. She sounds very emotionally immature.

Bob- yep she us. My Dh says she self absorbed, self-centred, overgrown child! My Dad , bless him, just went for a quiet life! So no-one ever called her on her behaviour. The few times I have - which was mainly when my Dad was dying- she just cried and said I didn't understand.
A low point during my dear Dad's final days was when she accused me of hastening the end for Dad. I called the Hospice nurses because I could tell he was agitated and in pain - I am a nurse- and she didn't want me to. They set up a syringe driver after I basically over- rode her because he was in pain and the hospice team and GP agreed with me. She told me I would have to live with the fact that I'd had hastened his death.
I promised my Dad I would not let him be in pain, he wasn't scared of dying but he was worried about pain.
She loves to comment that her friend sees her children every weekend and they always take her out etc etc. I now ignore that!!!

Bob- yep she us. My Dh says she self absorbed, self-centred, overgrown child! My Dad , bless him, just went for a quiet life! So no-one ever called her on her behaviour. The few times I have - which was mainly when my Dad was dying- she just cried and said I didn't understand.
A low point during my dear Dad's final days was when she accused me of hastening the end for Dad. I called the Hospice nurses because I could tell he was agitated and in pain - I am a nurse- and she didn't want me to. They set up a syringe driver after I basically over- rode her because he was in pain and the hospice team and GP agreed with me. She told me I would have to live with the fact that I'd had hastened his death.
I promised my Dad I would not let him be in pain, he wasn't scared of dying but he was worried about pain.
She loves to comment that her friend sees her children every weekend and they always take her out etc etc. I now ignore that!!!

Kansas so sorry- as many others have said you are not responsible for her happiness- she is. You are supporting her but it is up to her. All you can do is protect yourself and do what you choose to. Listen to your dh. And enjoy your family. Counselling really does help see things differently. Take care of yourself- and feel free to vent on here!!

Kansas,. Ar you in the US?

First do join us on the longer thread. It is a long road. Then:

1. you can only change your behaviour not your mother's. Very often people on this board are tyring to solve problems caused by the behaviur of their parents. You can't. You can only do what your are willing to do. FWIW I think your DH is right.

1. Having social time with your mum is important. I spent, essentially the better part of 7 years making day trips of over 200 miles. We have now bought a small flat which allows us to stay overnight. So one day chores, and one day social. It makes a HUGE difference. My mother has dementia and I think was getting quite confused about who I was, alternatively deciding I was her mother or older sister or some awful bossy person who turned up to drag her to appointments. Having social time is rewarding for both of us.

1. You decide what you do, siblings decide what they do. If you look at the longer thread you will see that siblings often disappoint. So dont waste energy on your sister. She is at least doing something. You should be equally brutal in defining what you will and will not do. From what you have said you are doing plenty. If you announce what you will not do, both have the option of showing some flexibility or facing glaring gaps. They won't like it, but for self-preservation this has to be the way forward.

No in UK now. Came back 8 years ago.
Miss my Dad so much and find my mum so hard to deal with these days.
She had a go at me last week because I hadn't been to Dad's grave since Xmas. I hate going. Dad isn't there, burying him broke my heart. I'd rather walk by the river where he fished- and that's how he would like to be remembered.
She goes to his grave because she likes to be seen going- if you know what I mean. Her friend takes her because her Dh is buried
nearby!
It's terrible thing to say but I go and see her out of duty not love and a wish to spend time with her. Isn't that an awful thing for a daughter to say?
But I know she won't change. I can't change her. She sees nothing wrong with her behaviour- everything is someone else's fault.
She likes nothing more than guilt tripping- that is her modes operandi of parenting!! Always has been!

If she chooses not to accept help then that's her choice I guess.
I am hoping to help my Dd out with child care when she goes back to work- my mum won't like that. We never lived near enough for them to help with my girls and mum is too old and I don't feel she is capable of looking after my 8 yr old son and I f*i g HATE her dog and don't trust it at all. If it bit my son I would be so angry and I absolutely guarantee you my mum would blame my son.
When it bit me she told me it was my fault cos I was holding my car keys!!
Going off at a tangent now.....

Where's the longer thread you mentioned?

I think you need to learn to say some stock phrases.

"Well that's your choice because you won't get a taxi to y"

"Well that's your choice because.."

and so on, say them as statements and stop letting her play you so much.