At wits end with worry about g/parents

[SmileAndNod]

And most specifically at the minute DGM. She has for the past few years been getting increasingly confused, forgetting things, repeating herself, asking the same questions over and over.

This week it has come to a head, as she is getting angry with us all because people won't tell her where she stayed last weekend, and she needs to contact them as she's left her pyjamas there. She hasn't stayed away for at least 20 years

She is nearly 90, DGF two years older. They live together, but alone. We (me, DM, DB) are all fairly close by and at least one of us phones every day, if we don't pop in. We've noticed things beginning to slide - they were always so house proud but these days Joseph housework ( other than cooking, washing up and cleaning) isn't getting done. They won't accept any form of help.

We're worried about the confusion - DM insisted on a accompanying to a medical appt and DGM was referred for a brain scan, which came back as nothing to worry about - parts of the brain were degenerating but they said that was to be expected at that age. Gp performed a memory test which she scored 29/30. She is lacking in vitamins B, D and folates, has a low red blood cell count and she isn't eating or drinking properly. We also think that she's been picking and choosing which of her medication she takes.

Would this cause this level of confusion - where you don't know where you are? She has also been hallucinating - she asked my brother to look last week at the all of the crows on the washing line (there were none).

DGF is doing pretty much everything and he's finding it a strain putting up with it I think. Though of course he would never admit it. DM is also not well at the minute, DB has his own things going on and I am sick with worry about them all.

I don't know what to do or to suggest for the best. They seem so resistant to getting any help / helping themselves (eg Nan by taking tablets, eating well) but we're so worried it's going to come to a crisis point and they'll take her away. I can't stop worrying about them all. Sorry that turned into a rambling post I just don't know where to turn...

Back to the gp tomorrow I reckon- visual hallucinations can happen in old people just because of being old BUT they are also more likely to have a physical cause eg a uti or silent chest infection. There may be a simple reason for this deterioration.

Get the gp to stop all but essential tablets if she playing pick and mix.

I would also be having a serious heart to heart with dgf about getting help to avoid a crisis.

Sorry things are so difficult at the mo ment.

What you have described will be familiar to many. The hardest thing you have to cope with is that your GPs, won't admit there is a problem. Until they do, no other agencies will step in.

Sometimes it does take a crisis before they will accept help. Practical steps to take now, are

Organise POA
Contact elderly care at the local authority to see what safety measures they can give for example a care line.
It is advisable to agree with your nan in her confusion. Tell her the hotel are sending the pyjamas or what ever the current thing is. I know you will probably say it 50 times, but the repetition is part of this illness.

Self neglect is also common. Sometimes you just have to be bit authoritive combined with cajoling with personal hygene.
Lack of fluids does add to confusion so try to persuade them to drink.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but there is lots of experience here.

Just add that AGE UK were a great help to me when I was going through this.

possibilities:
she may have a urinary tract infection which could be making her confused.
she may have had a small stroke.
she may be dehydrated.
she may have dementia or alzheimers.

certainly she needs to see a doctor.

Excellent advice above, and I'd emphasise the bit about being authoritative and taking control. It's hard to flip a relationship from one where the parents/grandparents are in control because they know best to one where the younger generation take control because we know best - I often see elderly people allowed to live in very vulnerable circumstances because people are too polite to admit their parents are no longer capable of making safe decisions for themselves. And we have a bit of a fetish about 'independence' too - we confuse care with dependence, which is nuts.

How is GF in all this - what does he want or think?

PS - they won't just 'take her away' - they may take her off to hospital when she gets ill or has an accident, then be unable to let her go home because there isn't an appropriate care package in place and you will then have the upset of having to reorganise their lives in a hurry.

I've phoned in to check again tonight and told her that I'm phoning the doctor in the morning for her. DM doesn't want me to as she's worried other agencies will become involved, but if it is something as simple as a UTI I think it's better to get it treated and cleared up. I understand it must be difficult for my mother, as its her parents, but I'm not sure burying your head in the sand is always helpful - especially if it's something easily fixed.

I have to say that she isn't always this confused or hallucinating - this has been just this last week. She still knows who everyone is, and can even remember her bank details. It was just quite scary to witness yesterday.

DgF is of the generation that doesn't really say much - you just have to get on with things. He is far too proud to accept help, even from us. We are going to make an appointment to see age UK. Again I think I will do this as my mother keeps putting it off.

Thank you for replying to my rantings - I realise now that there were lots of typos

You can reassure your mum that There is no way that any agency will be come involved. It just does not work like that. Even you and your mum cannot organise care or assessments for them without their say so.

I found that my parents took more notice when my sons or my daughter telling them stuff, than when I did.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment. I'm am sure your mum is very grateful to you for taking the lead on this. When my mum had UTI infections she said the most bizarre things.

Just a quick update and to say thank you for your advice last night. I phoned the doctor first thing and explained what had been going on, he was with my DGM by lunchtime and he suspects a UTI. He's prescribed her some anti biotics and reassured both g/parents that that level of confusion and hallucinations be caused by such an infection.

Just the rest of the stuff we need to work on now...

I am so pleased that you posted to let us know. You must be relieved that the first hurdle is over.

My father was a nightmare with UTis as he got older - he used to see horses and badgers (badgers wtf).
One thing that might help with your gm's medication is having a word with the dispensing chemist about using those pre-sorted dispensers, for example, all gm's 8am medication is sorted into a little compartment and so on all day or a week at a time. It makes it very clear what is to be taken, and makes it easy to see if it's not been taken.

Thank you springlamb. We bought her one of those dispensers - still sat in the box. It's like everything we try to do to help is met with resistance. We're trying to help so that they can carry on living independently but they either can't or won't see it.