How often do you visit / speak to elderly widowed mother - advice plse

[Mum2girls15]

Hi there,

I am really hoping that you are able to share your experiences, advice with me plse . I am totally at the end of my tether . My mother 82 was widowed 18 months ago and has completely taken control of my life which I appreciate sounds dramatic. Its not what she says it the way she says things to me and implies. She implies that everything I do for her still isn't enough. I have a family of two teenage children one studying for GCSEs and one in college studying for A Levels, myself and my husband run our own business which calls for long and unsociable hours and takes my husband away from home often. EG last year he was away for 8 months. I visit my mother at least three times a week, one of these must be over a weekend as the nastiness if I don't is too much to bear, this means that if the children cant cope with coming with me or my husband ( they are all hugely supportive, but can only deal with her for a short amount of time as she is exhausting ) I leave them at home and go on my own meaning I dont spend time with my family. I call every day for at least an hour , sometimes more than once a day. She is very techno savvy and I messages me from morning until she goes to bed at night. If I dont make contact or answer because I am busy or working she gets nasty. I take her our for lunch at least once a week, she has been taken to the theatre, for dinner, concerts, the cinema, days out, afternoon tea, the list is endless. she is regularly taken flowers, presents I could go on and on. I do everything in my power to make her life as happy as I possibly can given the situation she is now in.

Despite all of this she implies it is not enough, she screams at me how awful her life is . I clean her house, do her garden, get her shopping help with the DIY, she has attendance allowance but wont use it to get help despite my telling her how shattered I am . I feel so ill and tired. I take her to all doctors and hospital visits. My family life is suffering, my house ( washing, cleaning , ironing , garden are falling by the wayside, hers though is spotless , my business is suffering, I have been forgetting to pay bills including HMRC, financially it is impacting us hugely in an effort to keep her entertained and the fuel back and forth , its about an hours round trip. My sibling helps also ringing each day once or twice and visiting approx twice a week, she has grown up children who have moved out of home and she doesnt work. The elder grandchildren do not call or visit as she is unpleasant and they cant deal with it.

It seems nothing we do is enough and its taking its toll on me to the point that I can barely get out of bed each day its an effort to get dressed and I cant sleep . I wake each night mulling over the thing she has thrown at me that day , the nasty things she says and trying to figure out when I can next get over there to try and apease the situation and keep her happy, despite making myself miserable and for how long I will stay and who and what it will impact by my going to see her again . She has always been controlling and difficult but this is now on another level. I am spending more quality tiem with her than my own family. If we try and arrange an afternoon out as a family she is nasty and unreasonable and berates us for doing nice things. She is in her 80s I am in my mid 40s yet she seems to think that my life has to also now be over and she is jealous of anytiem I spend with my family. I seriously cant cope much more.

She constantly tells me she sees noone , I go approx three times a week for a minimum of three hours each time, my sibling twice a week and the neighbours invite her in once a week. My children try and come once every 10 days or so and my husband will come with me if he isn't working to try and offer some support and take the pressure off. Despite all this the guilt trip is horrendous.

Whilst I obviously have every sympathy for her predicament and appreciate how hard it must be living alone, I physically cant do anymore to help her but I feel like I have been beaten up each time I come away and am shell shocked.I cannot continue to spend this much time with her any longer but I dont know how to step away due to the pressure and nastiness brought to bear.

Having just got off of the phone to her after the daily call I am shaking like a leaf and in tears. . She tells me she has seen noone, I was with her for four hours yesterday, was then messaging her until 10pm.She was back messaging me at 8am today until I called her at 1.30 and now will still not leave me alone. She wants to know everything about my life where I go who I see and I have to constantly be busy, if I dare say that I am flicking through a magazine watching tv etc she implies that I should be with her if I have time for these things. She will not take the anti depressants the doctor prescribed, wont accept help of a befriending service that I suggested and I have also offered to take her to Clubs for her age group in the area to try and make friends. I dont know what to do or how to help anymore. I do not see my friends anymore as there is no time and if I try as so much arrange a coffee she is nasty as I am apparently doing something nice which she isnt doing, we tried to go on holiday for one week last year and the day before she was so awful to me that I Spent most of it in tears, as she felt that she should be coming with us and made me feel terrible for spending time with my children and husband.

I am so sorry for the long message , I think I could go on forever, but I just dont know what to do. Am I being unreasonable, should I be seeing her more ( oh I do bring her to my house also and have her stay overnight but she makes things difficult for everyone and upsets the children ,that I dont do it each week ) How often do mumsnetters visit their widowed parents please, am I being unreasonable in my efforts ?

Thankyou so much for reading xxx

Has she always been as controlling as this or this started lately? I do wonder if there is some sort of dementure starting.

Either way you are going to have to set some boundaries.

Tell her that you can only visit X times per week, can not answer her texts/calls continually & that she is going to have to adjust to this. You owe it to your DH & DCs. You can not go on with your mother ruling your life like this. Maybe talk to your sibling as well & possibly even mother's GP if you suspect some sort of dementure.

Thankyou for your reply. She has always been very controlling, more than my friends parents ever seemed to be but I suppose this was normal for me. When I got married and moved three hours away, I was expected to visit still once a week, I had to leave work make the three hour journey spend the evening, sleep overnight and then get up at some unearthly hour to head back home and to work. I have always been expected to call at least once a day and since I had the children weekend visits were expected but things re far far worse now than they were before my father passed away.

I have suspected some sort of dementia but then something happens or she says something and I change my mind again. She would never ever go to the GP if it was suggested that it may be the onset of dementia. I do think she may be depressed but again she wont accept help in any shape or form. When I try and speak to her reasonably about how I feel , she twists things so much that I end up feeling that I am in the wrong and she tells me that the way I feel is all in my mind. Shes really messing with my head. Shes a very clever lady !

I know that you are correct and things need to change but I have no idea how. I tell her that she is far luckier than many elderly people who see / speak to noone but she says shes not interested and doesnt care about anyone else. Its about her and how she feels.Wasnt sure how to respond to that one !

I have also suggested bereavement counselling but that has all been refused as well. Really not quite sure where to go next .

Thankyou for taking the time to read its much appreciated.

Didn't want to read and run, though i don't have any experience of this myself.

I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all and your mum is being very selfish to not allow you to have any timeto do anything that is not related to her. I would agree that unless she has always been this demanding, it would be worth having someone see her regarding her mental state.

My grandad lived alone for many years and my mum looked after him. This involved visiting most days to take him a paper and a few grocieries and maybe pick up some washing. She would also do a bit of cleaning at the weekend and he regularly came for sunday dinner. However, my grandad had moved around the corner from us to make this easier on her and she was able to work this around her shifts. The visits would generally be under an hour, and through the week usually about 20 mins- just for a cuppa and chat. Her elder sibling would also visit weeklyand keep an eye on the garden, whenmy grandad wasnt able to do it himself. There certainly was not the constant demand for attention and guilt.

(((((Mums2)))))
You have the patience of a saint.

I would chat to your sibling. Does h/she have the same problems with your mother?

I would make an appointment to see her GP - although the GP can not disclose anything about your mother to you, you can tell the GP of your worries about dementure.

And in the end you are going to have to be tough & stop letting her control the whole of your life.

Can you get your DH to come with you when you talk to her about this?

I am amazed by how controlling your mother is to you. It is not normal at all.

I have a DC who is mid 30's & I would not behave like this ever.

You might think about posting some of this over on the Relationships board as well as here. There are a lot of people who have had similar issues to you & you might get more help there. Be warned, you do get the odd nasty poster over there, but 90% of replies you get will be helpful.

Realistically, saying no or setting very strict boundaries ain't gonna happen. As stardusty suggests could she be moved nearer you? Would that make her further from your sister. What does your DH think of her? Could you use him as an excuse? 'I'm neglecting Fred, the house, the business and your grandchildren so I'm visiting twice a week from now on and every other weekend.'

Poor you OP it sounds as though you had a lifetime of trying to please a mother who will never be happy. You can't go on like this and need to set boundaries immediately and work on putting your own needs first. It's hard to learn new behaviours relating to your mother. You'll get some good advice on the Stately Homes thread.

Oh mum this sounds awful! You do so much for no recognition. My dm moved to be closer to us when she was 80 ten years ago and I have really struggled with the guilt and responsibility. One of my friends said to me something that took me back- you are not responsible for your mothers happiness. You will never make her happy. And it's true. How is your mum's health? Can she get out on her own?
The more we do,the more is expected and it consumes us. Please take a step back and think about your needs and those of your family. My dd's mental health really suffered when we were consumed with my mil and fil's health problems- massive stress/ anxiety issues. I had to step back and get other people to do things- and also tell fibs to my dm- I don't tell her if I'm meeting a friend or going out for a fun day. I just say I'm working or At a meeting- . Your work and hitting financial deadlines is really important. Have you had a carers assessment?
To you- there is loads of support on this topic from wise women- keep posting.

My husband visits his widowed mother once a week, one hour at a time. His brother is made to feel guilty if he doesn't visit three times a week though as he lives closer he can spend less time with her. She is in a home so there's no housework or diy needing done - it was worse when she had loads of little jobs that they HAD to do, as soon as she called.

She has been diagnosed with dementia and one of the features was the increasing reliance on others - and calls in the middle of the night.

If I were you I would lie and tell her you have found a part time job and can't visit as often.

Poor you.

1. You probably cant make her happy, whatever you do.
2. One of the hardest things many of us have had to do is to rebalance a relationships from parent-child to adult-adult or often reversing it to child parent. (I don't know if you have come across Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis but it might be a helpful way of looking at things.) Not at all easy but it sounds as if needs to be done. And you may find, as I did, that once you start making the decisions rather than being told what to do, your mother will back off.

I know others on this board have gone to their GP's complaining about stress and have gained some useful help with a therapist. You are probably too tired to have much perspective.

I would say absolutely that your children need you as well. This is time with them that you will never get back. If you dont share experiences now and start forming a more adult relationship with them it will become more difficult as they get busier and have lives of their own. And your husbankd needs you.

The fact that your mother claims to see no one else and is hugely dependent on you has to be, at least in part, her fault. I suggest:

1. Check for dementia. Look at things like whether she is able to organise her finance, use a computer etc. If she is picking up new skills and can manage basic personal finance she is probably OK. If not, and she is struggling to cook, is hoarding, and has lost some skills she used to have, then get her checked by the GP. (The memory test is inexact and is not very good at spotting early dementia. Personality change and the loss of organisational skills and basic domestic competencies would seem a better indicator.)

1. Get her to her GP for him to check for depression as well as dementia. A blood test might also pick up things like a thyroid problem.

1. Try get her to move to some form of sheltered housing where there is an in-built community. It makes a huge difference.

1. Speak to the local social services, even anonymously, and ask about activites for aolder people locally, including befriending services. Things like the University of the Third Age. Next time she says she is lonely suggest she takes up a hobby.

Then be cruel to be kind. She is probably lonely. She probably relied heavily on your dad. You can't take his place. She is an adult. She needs to deal with this, not simply impose on you.

I would be very tempted to see your GP, organise some therapy and then take a couple of months off. Speak to your sister first. I dont know if there is sufficient money to pay for a cleaner or someone to come in a couple of times a week or a carer to take her to appointments. You can then start afresh with a better balance and with your head straight. Plus it could help her realise she needs to move to somewhere with built in support. Tell her and your sister that after 18 months you are exhausted and ill, and your DC's exams need to come first.

Good luck and do join us on the longer thread.

I think a reasonable amount of contact would be one longish visit a week (lunch, take her to shops, that kind of thing), one shorter visit for a cup of tea/bit of admin, plus a couple of phone calls a week. She gets a cleaner in and a gardener if she can't do it herself. You and sister share taking her to doctor/hospital.

Lots of good advice above. Your children, marriage and financial security are your responsibility: don't chuck these away trying to satisfy someone who feeds off your enslavement.

my mil is nearly 80 and was widowed 3 years ago. she is very lonely, has no friends as far as I can tell and is almost certainly in the early stage of some sort of dementia but refuses to see the doctor about it. she has been prescribed anti depressants but won't take them.

my dh and sil both visit, but not daily - they try and go at least once a week between them given both work full time and live over an hour away. and between them they call her daily as well. she has carers visiting daily, although she is constantly trying to cancel them.

whatever dh and sil do will not be enough. mil always complains that they never visit or call, even if they visited that day. she has now started calling to tell them she's got nothing left to live for and is going to take all her pills.

unfortunately we've got to the point where we now accept that she isn't happy and is unlikely to ever be happy but that there is nothing we can do about it so there is no point making anyone else, particularly her grandchildren, unhappy in trying to help her. this is terribly sad, but given she won't take any initiative and refuses all help at the time it's offered we are not prepared to put our lives on hold indefinitely.

this is possible because both dh and sil have come to this view and are supporting each other when she is nasty or vindictive. I think dh has probably got through the grieving for his mother - and when she does eventually die it will be a relief. I can't say this is a nice position to have got to - but having realised that we are not responsible for her happiness if she won't help herself it has got a bit easier. I suspect you might find this to be the case for you in time too but you do need to allow yourself the time and space to grieve for the person she once was. And please remember that her unhappiness is not your fault and that ultimately there is nothing you can do about it.

Ageing really isn't something I look forward to at all but I do hope I can treat my children more kindly and less selfishly than mil is treating hers.

I wish you luck and fortitude and a supportive sibling and dh.

Brilliant advice from need more and Mrs wobble. All you can change is you. Please read the wise words.

Just want to say that there are types of dementia that initially affect personality rather than memory. - Frontal lobe dementia - so ask your GP about that possibility. Also she could be depressed which is making her more dependant than she usually is.

But I do agree with everyone else that you also need to put up some boundaries. My mother is very demanding of those children (my siblings) that let her rule their life. When she visits me - as little as she can, as I'm not that biddable - I find she wants all my attention and pretty much ignores my kids.

Put some boundaries in no matter what else happens.

I have just read through your messages and cannot thankyou all enough for all of your advice and understanding. You have all made me feel so much better. I will answer properly but I am trying to help my DD with some of her coursework right now and we need to get going before we both fall asleep .

Although I have tried many of things suggested, moving, anti depressants, U3A, befriending, home help she refuses each and every suggestion.

I will try and get back on here tomorrow and reply to you all properly, but thankyou all so much. I am so glad I posted.

Have a lovely evening .

You are so nice to come back & thank us.

But now is the time for you to knuckle down & put some 'roolz' in with regard to your mother.

All the important stuff's been said and I agree strongly with the posters above. You have the right to a life that isn't constantly sabotaged by your mother's unhappiness, particularly as she chooses not to take any responsibility or initiative to improve things for herself. We can't protect our parents against ageing and mortality and to echo Purple your children and husband need you- not to mention, you need your life back.

I really feel for you as my mother is becoming increasingly demanding with age & I can imagine being in exactly your situation if she is widowed. My greatest fear is that my dad will go first which is an awful way to feel.

I just wanted to add really that Needmores suggestion re transactional analysis is a really good one. I had six sessions based on this last year & it has been helpful.

It hasn't entirely remedied the practicalities (an hour phone call most days, half a dozen FB messages a day even when I'm at work & a day round there every weekend - I have no siblings), but it has made it easier for me to shut off & not feel guilty when the emotional blackmail & moaning starts.

My mantra these days is 'you can't change a person's behaviour, only your reaction to it'.

I really hope you (& your sibling) manage to get some respite and make some changes.

I am so sorry. My mother was exactly the same when she was widowed in her sixties. I was living overseas at the time, with a new baby, and ended up going back most weekends for several months (not that she appreciated it, she would regularly tell me that I was "shit as a daughter", and everything that I had done to upset my father "and now it's too late to put it right").

She is now the same age as your mother, and while she has fallen out with most of her friends, and those that she hasn't fallen out with have died (!), she has managed to carve herself out a new life (it did take several years). She has joined clubs - the Over 60s club, one that takes them shopping, another that does lots of outings, and has met more people this way.

She is still nasty (she always was, I don't think this is dementia), but there is now a bit more space between us. One of her friends and her late sister gave her a good talking to, which she did listen to, which helped - pointing out that other people had lives of their own, and couldn't drop everything to be with her all the time.

Good luck!

(flowers) I'm so sorry you're going through this. As others have said, you will get some very good advice on here. I know I have with my parents, but I'm still fighting DSM to put things in place! For me personally, I don't think moving your mum closer will help. It would cut down on your traveling time but I think that the saving would me more than eaten up with your mum expecting you to spend even more time with her. It is so difficult to get them to see your point of view and if she has always been controlling this wont easily change (I'm having this with DSM now). Would she listen to your DH or your sister/brothers partner at all?

Im still here and reading when I get a chance, thank you all again.

I will be back to answer properly but right now I am still caught up in all of this muddle, sibling on holiday for three weeks , husband away and only other relative that occasionally makes contact also on holiday, so things are currently even more difficult than when I posted originally and I have even less time and my head is a total fog.

Just got off of the phone having taken her for lunch yesterday and spent three hours with her plus numerous text messages and a phone call, but today as I have only just had time to phone due to work she has gone hell for leather at me although I did make text contact as and when I could whilst working. Currently still reeling .

You have given me so much advice and I am trying to adhere as best as I can to it. It has been so helpful and has certainly given me another perspective on all of this.

Off to order the book Transactional Analysis recommended by needmoresleep and I am hoping to get back on here in a few days and respond to you properly.

Take Care everyone .

That sounds horrendous Mum2.

My situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, actually had a nice day with my parents on Sunday, but it was preceded by my mum calling me at about 10pm on Saturday saying that I'd forgotten her and obviously didn't care and needn't come round any more if seeing them was such a chore (can imagine the reaction if I called her bluff ).

When are your family members back? Do try to take care of yourself as best you can .

Hi, i had something very similar with my mother. I'm sorry you are at your wits end. You need to take action as it cannot continue like this. I had my mum checked at the memory clinic. They will do various checks and they help to see if there is any level of dementia. It really it's useful. And can get her on listed for people to visit.

I have a number of cameras that my mum let me install so I keep a check on her from them.

The GP referred my mum to memory clinic.

I am waiting to hear from them.

Also I forgot. Tuesday is lunch club at the church. She is happy to go there as she has friends of the same age. Younger and older. And they talk about stuff their generation.

Also second Thursdays is craft day 10-1pm

I have a volunteer transport that takes mum. So she is happy to go there and bring her back.

I also encourage her to have coffee with her neighbours as everyone is over 65 on that street. I also gave them my telephone number so if anything did happen they can call me.

I'm a widow. My mum divorced 30 years ago and then my dad died 4 years ago, her boyfriend died a year ago.

Once a week is my parental contact schedule, pretty much whatever the circumstances, though there will be short patches of more after operations or immediately after a big loss etc.

Your mother is behaving appallingly. Losing people and being bereaved is awful but it is also normal. You're not her spouse and she can't make you be her spouse, though she's certainly trying to. I'd give yourself a complete fortnight off if I were you - don't see her, don't answer the phone. Maybe one call before you do this to tell her you're taking a break and to suggest she sees her GP to ask about bereavement counselling.

It certainly sounds as if she is either suffering from an illness or is having a breakdown, but is it different from normal?