My 89 yr old mother who suffers with dementia has been in respite in a local care home close to where me and the rest of the family live for nearly 10 weeks.
She has been living alone after being widowed 12 years ago about 3 hours drive away. Her grief is almost as sharp and painful as when he died Over recent years she has lived in increasing chaos and self-neglect refusing all care at home. This can't continue for her own wellbeing and safety but also for the health and sanity of us living so far away and never really knowing how she was managing day to day except when called in to the ever more frequent crises.
She had reluctantly agreed after much persuasion to have a 3 week trial of respite with a view to staying permanently 'if she liked it'. It seemed almost too good to be true after so many years of resisting anything which touched on her fiercely guarded independence.
We understood that she might temporarily become more confused in the unfamiliar environment until she 'settled in'. But really hadn't expected this to be so severe and continue so long. Only over the last week has she been much less confused and know where she is and how long she has been there. She is largely resigned to staying permanently in the care home but feels that it has 'somehow been done in secret', I think she means we haven't been straightforward with her and now it's a fait accompli.
She has now started worrying about clearing her home of 25 years which she had shared with beloved second husband [my stepfather]
It's an average sized 3 bedroom house stuffed to the gills with hoards of things she's acquired in her long life and which is something of a shrine to her late husband - photos of him on the walls, every windowsill, every shelf in every room, mementoes and Bric-a brac from every holiday, She sleeps in the spare bedroom leaving their old room virtually unchanged since he died - most of his clothes are still hanging in the wardrobe and his personal items in the drawers and bathroom cabinet. His paperwork, his tools in the shed and his car in the garage.
She spent years and years trying to sort out these things and trying to let them go without success even before she became unwell
On Friday and again yesterday, she asked me to take her home for a few hours so that she could show me Bill's things that she wants to keep . She's telling my sisters the same. I completely understand why she wants to do this and how heart-breaking it would be to think they've not been kept safe.
But,
I think it's a not a good idea because it's an impossible task which will overwhelm her. I strongly suspect she won't want to leave after a few hours and might well unsettle her and re-kindle her confusion when back at the care home.
At the moment I'm just saying that and suggesting there's no rush which isn't how she sees it.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I've read a few threads on here and on the Alzheimers site about the traumas of clearing a persons home but none had the added complication of them wanting to be involved in this way.