I didn't sign up for this but feel guilty

[Meowmy]

My Mother is 74 and 20 odd years ago decided to move to a small holding in Wales as she didn't like people. She had one fall about 5 years ago and a fortnight ago had another, this time breaking her shoulder. My mobility was not the best anyway, nor was her hygiene (she decided to have her bath and shower taken out sometime ago!). And she has always been a cantankerous old wotnot.

I had no choice but to go and collect her and bring her to my house (200 miles away) to stay with me. I do not have a spare room so she is staying in the lounge in a riser/recliner that I have bought for her as she refused to sleep on the daybed. I only have a shower (which she does not like), so I have to take her to my friends to use the bath with a bath chair I got off ebay. However, I can't go round there everyday and she smells as she has a fungal infection under her boobs and she is not the most fastidious person on the toilet! And I am not washing her. Sorry if that sounds cruel but I can't. We have never had the best relationship as for most of my life she was an alcoholic and not exactly a model mother.

We have a doctors appointment on Wednesday but I think I may kill her before then.

Any advice? Anything? Not sure I can cope with life at the moment.

Gosh Meowmy, she sounds like really hard work, and I think you are doing a great thing to have her staying at all.

She can surely have a strip wash on her own - a washing up bowl of warm water, a couple of flannels (get a pack from Poundland so you have plenty to put through a boil wash), and some Hibiwash to deal with the fungal smell.

Don't be afraid to be straight with her on this - sometimes with cantakerous people a firm line is best 'mum, you smell, you need to wash'

Be kind to yourself

Is the plan that she eventually goes home ? If that's the case could you not take her back now ,stay for a few days whilst you get SS involved and a care package set up which is really what you should have done in the first place . you have my sympathy ,we had a similar issue with an alcoholic GM .

Thanks guys. feel better already. She will be going back but had no choice but to pick her up as hospital wouldn't send her home until I said I would. problem is her place is a filthy cottage, half way up a mountain. No central heating only a electric fire and a Rayburn. If it snows carers would never get there. And i wouldnt blame them for not trying. So for now she's here. Strip wash an idea but she probably won't do it properly as she doesn't care. Also with only one usable arm she'd still need help.

You are not obliged to have your DM living in your home. Take her back to her home and stay with her a few days while you request a care needs assessment from her local authority. They will visit her home and assess its suitability. If it is not suitable for delivering a care package they will have to arrange more suitable accommodation for her.

She is an adult you have no legal responsibility at all to take her into your home. Hospitals often pressure relatives into taking on responsibility for aged patients as they are not allowed to discharge them until they know they are in s safe place. It is the responsibility of the local adult services to ensure that safe place, not yours. If it is suggested you should have her to live with her, say NO. They will then be obliged to make proper provision for her.

Don't be guilt tripped, it is in your DMs interest to have a proper care package

I can both sympathise and empathise with this, have been in a similar place (not identical, but aspects of it).

All I can say is - you can't fix everything. If she is of sound mind, then the choices she makes (however daft) aren't your responsibility, they are hers. Do what you can for her, if you are able, but please recognise that you just can't fix everything.

Good luck.

OnGoldenPond is spot on. Hospitals etc do this because they can get away with it, not because it's the correct process.

ongoldenpond has explained it much better than I did . If anyone takes anything from this thread it is do not let a hospital force you into taking responsibility for somebody that you don't want to .

I have been in this situation recently, I ignored the emotional blackmail by the hospital and said no he cannot live in my home. Not because I don't get on with him but because I could not care for him properly. Adult services now have him in a short term nursing home placement and are assessing long term needs. They had no choice as it is their legal responsibility to make sure he is in a safe place

You HAVE to stand up to the hospital bullying no matter how much they lay the pressure on.

Practise your variety of NOs until you can rattle them off without thinking.

Please don't feel guilty. Your mum made her choices. Other posters are right- make sure that she gets the help she needs bug look after yourself.

Hugs op.

Agree with all the above. You do have to take her home though in order to get care stuff started. The only care help you will get at your address is care you pay for yourself. Actually if she has huge savings and won't get any funding you might want to think stuff this and just book her into a Bupa type home near you.

Realistically though dig out your thermals. Phone midweek to adult sic services and just tell them she will be home on Monday and you need an urgent assessment of care needs and provision asap - maybe tell them you can stay a max of 7 days or what ever.

Assuming she has capacity she can accept / refuse care as offered by them. You need to be tough and allow her to decide / fail/ renegotiate etc.

You will need your mumsnet mantra...

No is a complete sentence.
No that won't work for me.
No her care is not my responsibility , she is a vulnerable adult but has capacity to make her own choices please discuss this with her directly.
Finally....

No!

Do let us know how you get on.