Mum in hospital - Dad cant cope

[oldguygirl]

My 75 year old Mum is currently in hospital - has been for about 5 weeks. She has trauma (from a fall in which she broke her collar bone) acute anxiety and now has delirium. She gets a bit better and then gets worse. She has been very very confused and in her worst states she has been very aggressive to my Dad. I honestly now think that it is unlikely she will go home at all - when she is able to leave hospital I think she will end up going into a home.
I live approx 100 miles away, I have a full time job and a small child. Visiting is very hard - I have been managing to go once a fortnight and I ring my Dad every day.
Dad is finding it extremely hard- understandably just when she improves a bit, she then gets worse again and he is really struggling as of course he justs wants her to get better.- which I am not sure she will. He is managing to do household stuff ok - but I think the loneliness and his own thoughts/worries are proving to be hard.
He is a very negative person and has suffered before from depression (although he would not see a GP or take anti D's for it)
But he wont in ask to speak to the doctor - she was really bad yesterday and he just left the hospital whithout asking to speak to them to find out what is happening. He complains and worries but is not prepared to do anything about it. I have to nag and bully him into do it - I phoned him last night and basically gave him orders to ask to speak to the doctor.
I just cant help because I am not there!
My half sisters are useless - they just turn up for a quick visit every now and then but would never ask to speak to the doctor. They are not my Dads children and so their concern is not with him and their relationship has not always been great. So support for him from them is very limited
I just don't know how I can support my Dad any more than I am doing.
Are there any organisations that could support him? And I guess its also very early days - I think this is goign to be a very long road
There is no way I could get him to a GP.

It is really sad when our parents cannot cope alone, my inlaws have been in this situation when mil was in hospital, although fil is happy on his own, he sleeps, watches telly eats and is generally ok, mil on the oter hand is like your df she is so negative and has been basically ordered to do things as fil is just happy doing his own thing. It is so hard when you are far away and without sounding awful you have your own family who need you. Just make sure he has food available, you could order something's online, which is what I do each week, is there a neighbour who could call in or a day centre he could get to. I also think it might be a good idea to talk about your dm not coming home so hat he can get used to it and maybe look at a sheltered home where they can be together, apart from that sorry to say I am not much help, age uk might have some offer solutions or even social services. Good luck

I dont know if others will have spotted this my children claim that having the Mail Online app on my phone is evidence that I am totally embarrassing but one of a series of articles about staying fit and healthy in old age, this time about mental well being.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2921000/How-beat-late-life-blues-gloomy-getting-older-simple-uplifting-tips-doctor-soon-spring-step.html

Some useful ideas, but inevitably the person themselves need to proactively work to improve their mood.

Other than that there is only so much you can do, and it can be useful to ddecide what you will and wont do and be clear about it. Perhaps even be a bit conditional about it "lets take some time out for something like lunch or a coffee, but before then I need you to ...." to see if you can get him moving in a positive direction.

Hard though. I find aging depressing enough now.

DH has found it really useful with both of his parents - now in their 80s - to speak to the hospital and explain that he is 200 miles away, and needs to keep in touch with them about what's happening. Can't you speak to the Doctor yourself, or perhaps go up on a weekday when they're more likely to be around?

Presumably your Dad is elderly himself, and I'm not sure 'nagging and bullying' him is particularly helpful - especially when you could make the call.

It is really tough having elderly sick parents, but it seems to be that they need hand holding (understandably) at times like this - and you become the parent.

One quick thought - MIL is just out of hospital (again!) and FIL isn't housetrained! We've ordered them some Wiltshire Farm Food meals, which they are both enjoying - might be worth sending your DF some if possible?

Re your mums delirium, please make sure the hospital have checked for an infection (usually a urine infection). This often causes delirium in old people, and is easily missed if they get dismissed as having dementia - my 94 year old great-aunt is normally fine, but the first sign of her acting dolally and we get her nursing home to check for an infection - so far, we've always been bang on.

You can set up a password with the ward manager so that the staff can give you information over the phone . You can also call the consultants secretary and get to speak to him/ her. You also need to be in contact with the hospital OT and care manager if you are not already as they will be the people who eventually deal with the transfer home or to a residential home . Would your dad consider coming and staying with you for a few days to have a break ?

Hang on hang on!

The first thing you need to do op is to get your mum to consent to the ward/ docs speaking to you. Probably something you need to do formally when you go over - and if she can't consent because of delirium they may rake consent from your dad ( though really they shouldn't, if she looses capacity then best interest decisions should be made - with agreement and involvement of next of kin but they don't really take over decision making ).

When you can get decent medical info a lot of the battle is easier - though I'm sure you've read my take of woe - it is by no means all the answer.

In terms of supporting dad would he accept help and support? There might get hospital volunteer or chaplaincy person might be helpful in a listening ear sort of way?