OK, my mother has plenty to be negative about, but it's really wearing me down. She used to be a feisty, positive woman, but all that changed around three years ago when she had a stroke three months after my dad died. It wasn't the worst stroke, but it left her with slightly odd speech, an inability to write or to deal with numbers, and slight foot drop. She has become less mobile, but I think that's for other reasons. She's 85.
After the stroke I was reasonably hopeful that she'd fight back - I thought she might quite enjoy speech therapy as in her youth she did a drama course, and found her a lovely therapist to help with that and her writing. However, when she found that it would need some work and practice on her part, she gave up on it. We've tried numerous options since then by way of support groups, volunteer visitors, activities etc but she finds a reason not to do any of them. We tried getting her a manual typewriter when she complained of being unable to write - she'd never cope with an electric one or computer - whereupon she proclaimed that she didn't want to write anything. She lives in sheltered flats where they regularly have film shows, talks, outings etc but she refuses to go to any of them. We arranged for the volunteer library service for housebound people to bring her books, taking some trouble to ensure they know the sort of books she likes, and they brought her some excellent selections, but she won't even try them. Once they brought her a book which I know she enjoyed 20 years ago, but she moaned about them bringing something she'd already read - even though she remembered little of the book and regularly re-reads her own books. And, despite rejecting every suggestion to improve matters, she constantly complains about how bored she is and how awful everything is.
When she reads positive news reports about people recovering even partially after strokes she gets really quite angry that, as she perceives it, they're minimising the effects. Though at least she does that less since we started pointing out that the people concerned worked hard to achieve their recovery and she might like to try it.
I know she's probably depressed and has reason to be depressed, and have thought about taking her to the doctor, but I just know she'd put on an act and tell the doctor there's nothing wrong. I think the doctor would be reluctant to prescribe anti-depressants anyway in case they made her woozy or unsteady on her feet. There's no way she'd ever contemplate anything like counselling. But for her own sake I feel we need to to something to get her out of this constant negativity. It can't be making her feel good, and although she gets quite a lot of visits from friends and family I'm concerned that she's putting everyone off. I have to admit it's got to the point for me where I visit purely out of duty and slightly dread each visit.
I'm now wondering whether to take the bull by the horns and go for some tough love - e.g. asking whether her constant moaning really makes her feel any better, pointing out that if my Dad could see her he'd be unimpressed, that it really can't hurt her at least to try some of the entertainments and activities on offer etc etc. I obviously don't want to make her feel worse, but being patient and trying to find other ways of cheering her up just aren't working so I'm wondering whether a firm approach would. Has anyone tried it with elderly relatives, or does anyone have any other suggestions?