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Elderly parents
Original poster

Feeling sad...

15 replies

ginandtonicpleasee · 08/12/2014 23:42

My parents moved in with me 2 years ago. Its been difficult. I started this wondering why people put their parents in homes... But 2 years of all this has changed that attitude! Mom had a fall 3 weeks ago - she was standing right behind the kitchen door as my 15yr old ds opened it(Mom! not a good idea!!)... she was reading the school notices pinned on it.. and fell and broke her arm. But the experience has really knocked her confidence and she is basically no longer mobile. The local hospital have (thank god) kept her in .. and she has had a small stroke whilst there. I have a home help assessment tomorrow for dad which according to matron at the hospital I 'have to fight for'... he is no longer allowed to daycare or to visit mom at hospital because of incontinence issues that he is in complete denial of .. and lives in a different version of reality to the rest of us... a friend of mine minding him recently noticed how me & my mom are interchangeable to him .. (o god I really have turned into my mother!!) I am feeling like mom is on her way out. She is just so weak and not even getting out of bed on her own. Sad.. Need a hug :-(

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 08/12/2014 23:52

A big unmumsnetty > for you.

It's tough when parents get old isn't it? Mine are elderly & because I live in another country I can't be around for them as much as I'd like & I feel quite guilty about it really.

You're doing a great job & it's lovely you are there to look after your parents. Good luck with your dad's home help assessment, and I hope your mom's health improves Flowers

NetballHoop · 08/12/2014 23:58

G&T I can't offer any advice, but I do think you're amazing for looking after your parents for the last two years. It is bloody hard work and you have done it and given them the best place they could be in.

Have some Flowers and some Wine and I really hope the assessment goes well for you and your Dad and your Mum.

Many hugs to you, you deserve them.

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 00:58

Thankyou.. and fingers crossed for tomorrow....

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Needmoresleep · 09/12/2014 08:48

Poor you. It sounds hellish. The dementia alone would be enough. You are then faced with your mum failing and wanting to do the best by her. Whilst needing to find time to grieve, and look after a 15 year old. You must be exhausted.

I don't think there can be any easy way. However be as firm as you can. Can you really manage having your mum discharged home with your father there. What about respite care for him, whilst you work on making your mum comfortable. Perhaps an experienced dementia care provision could resolve the impact of the incontinence? Tell your dad it is a holiday hotel as your mum will need a lot of attention in the short term. Or as much additional care as you can get.

The standard advice is to suggest you will go under if your don't get help. Much better to support you now than face "carer breakdown" later. So tell them how overwhelmed you are feeling.

And look after yourself and your family. I could not do what you are doing. Even when things were at their worst and I was spending 4 days where my mum lives, I was spending the other 3 days at home and my 15 year old was baking me cakes. The crisis only lasted three months but I was exhausted for ages afterwards.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

twentyten · 09/12/2014 22:35

Another big hug from meThanksThanks. You have done an amazing job so far. Look after yourself.

Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone :-).. visited mom in the hospital today and she looks much brighter. The health nurse assessing dad mentioned a mental health assessment (at last!! have hoped to get some kind of mental health support since I moved them) and definitely going to get more home help (up from the current 30 mins a week!!) and another assessment when mom comes out of hospital. also setting up private help with someone who just got her healthcare support cert and she seemed well able to deal with dad.. and happy to do the odd overnight!!!.... so all in all a much better day Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone :-).. visited mom in the hospital today and she looks much brighter. The health nurse assessing dad mentioned a mental health assessment (at last!! have hoped to get some kind of mental health support since I moved them) and definitely going to get more home help (up from the current 30 mins a week!!) and another assessment when mom comes out of hospital. also setting up private help with someone who just got her healthcare support cert and she seemed well able to deal with dad.. and happy to do the odd overnight!!!.... so all in all a much better day Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone :-).. visited mom in the hospital today and she looks much brighter. The health nurse assessing dad mentioned a mental health assessment (at last!! have hoped to get some kind of mental health support since I moved them) and definitely going to get more home help (up from the current 30 mins a week!!) and another assessment when mom comes out of hospital. also setting up private help with someone who just got her healthcare support cert and she seemed well able to deal with dad.. and happy to do the odd overnight!!!.... so all in all a much better day Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone :-).. visited mom in the hospital today and she looks much brighter. The health nurse assessing dad mentioned a mental health assessment (at last!! have hoped to get some kind of mental health support since I moved them) and definitely going to get more home help (up from the current 30 mins a week!!) and another assessment when mom comes out of hospital. also setting up private help with someone who just got her healthcare support cert and she seemed well able to deal with dad.. and happy to do the odd overnight!!!.... so all in all a much better day Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:54

Thanks everyone :-).. visited mom in the hospital today and she looks much brighter. The health nurse assessing dad mentioned a mental health assessment (at last!! have hoped to get some kind of mental health support since I moved them) and definitely going to get more home help (up from the current 30 mins a week!!) and another assessment when mom comes out of hospital. also setting up private help with someone who just got her healthcare support cert and she seemed well able to deal with dad.. and happy to do the odd overnight!!!.... so all in all a much better day Wine

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Original poster
ginandtonicpleasee · 09/12/2014 22:56

ooops... not sure what happened there Blush

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midgeymum2 · 09/12/2014 23:04

Nothing useful to say but here's a hug (((((squeeze)))) and some Flowers look after yourself

twentyten · 10/12/2014 18:01

Good news!

PingPongBat · 10/12/2014 18:40

Very pleased to hear things are coming together gin Smile

I found the hardest thing was not knowing what help was available and not knowing who to ask. Lots of goods advice & support here when you need it. And in case you still need one, here's a and some Wine

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 18/12/2014 19:44

With my mother, I found that the incontinence and denial was really difficult until the dementia got worse, so that she no longer questions why I give her tena pants to wear and ask her to change her clothes. She just does it. I can't tell you whether this is better or worse .... The frustration before was wearing; the sadness now is more so.
Now my battle is getting her to drink without me standing over her every minute ...

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