Help me survive! Rudeness

[Theas18]

For some reason, Right now I have not a clue why I agreed except that mum has been going on and on about " a holiday" , I am in Norfolk with my parents ( and dh and dd2). Only 2 niights.

Mum is very physically disabled now. Wheelchair, virtually shoehorning her into the car etc etc ( not to mention the cast on her wrist lol) can't see. Dad dementia, falls m can't hear or see well but basically not bad physically for 90.

But my goodness he's full on bloody rude. Strangely it upsets me to be told to mind my own business when I ask what he's rummaging in the wardrobe for when he's been asked to go and do his teeth and I've explained the tooth tablet is ready i the pot etc . Try to find what's up. Won't / can't tell me or that I've hidden it ( yep right in plain sight by the sink). That ill break his hearing aid when I pick it up and flip the battery open after he's put it down for the night before doing so ( even prefixed with a patter of " great you found a safe place for that on the table ill just sort it so the battery lasts "I'm not just picking it up and fiddling ir pointing out he's not got it right etc ).

In the end I just asked mum if there was anything else she wanted me to do and left em too it.

Am clearly a very rubbish daughter. After all they " loved him" in respite in the summer when mum was in hospital. But if mum wants a holiday again he'll have to go into care for the duration. Not looking forward to the morning.

My late mum had vascular dementia and she was terribly rude to me and my sister, regularly telling us to fuck off and slamming the door in our faces after we had respectively taken an hour or two to drive and visit.

Thanks moose it's good to know I'm not alone.

I work in community care with, primarily, the elderly. Many of whom have dementia.

I have met many, many family members going through what you describe. It's so hard and my only advice would be to take all of the help you can access.

One of the ironies of caring for or supporting an elderly parent with dementia is the drastically inverted effort to appreciation ratio you get. In the last 4 years I ve taken dad on holidays, taken 6 months unpaid leave to be able to manage everything,taken control of his affairs,organised his carers, made sure his house is safe and warm etc etc. Barely a thank you and on many an occasion when I haven t gone along with something he wanted,it's insults and shouts.he has also swiped at me when I ve gone to adjust his trousers etc. I cope somehow, but it takes its toll. Just protect yourself as much as you can. I no longer take dad outside his town, it was just getting too stressful managing his anxiety and aggression.

My mother has been appalling to me, yet staff in her sheltered housing used to tell me how lovely she was. I am sure some believed her stories about me.

I knew her dementia was getting worse when her mask started slipping with people outside the family. At which point one of the staff, who had hitherto been a bit short with me, suggested I was a saint for being so patient. (I'm not. The most upsetting times were when I lost my cool and gave as good as I got.) She's pretty stable at the moment and has a carer who has the measure of her, so there is not much scope for conflict, and by watching carers and others, I have got better at nipping bad behaviour in the bud. (Or sadly, I might have gained distance as I see my mother less as the person she was, and more as this person with dementia who to some extent needs to be managed and controlled.)

I also think she is nicer to my brother than she is to me, in part because she sees him so rarely and will not want to upset him. Its takes some stretch of the imagination but the abuse can be a reflection of how much you do, and how safe your dad feels. Ie he feels safe enough to let his guard down and misbehave.

I was going to suggest competitive anecdotes, but know Bob would win. Anything that involves trousers and Poundland, would get the prize. My worst, perhaps, was an hour in a hospital waiting room with my mother, in a loud voice, telling everyone what a dreadful person I was, how ungrateful I was, and much worse. I hate it.

Thanks all. I agree about him feeling safe enough to let his guard down, like a kid who's awful at home and good at school

Needless to say all forgotten this morning and we've had a fairly good day. Well see what bedtime holds. Is this " sun downing "? Or just like. Toddler he's tired and grumpy?

To really make the day we've had a rear ended whilst stationary RTA :( we see ok though.

My sisters coming over from Spain for a few days in November. He'll be lovely for her im sure - and I just know there won't be any of the million appointments to go to for mum or anything and she'll be the golden girl " coming all that way to see us " grrrrrrrr

Just as well I can grumble here and you understand.