MIL finally coming home from hospital, new form of stress

[Rainicorn]

Not sure if anyone remembers my previous threads about MIL I'll give a quick recap.

She has osteoarthritis and prone to falling. She had a fall at Easter which she ended up in hospital. While there she developed an infection and during investigation found to have bowel cancer. She had op to remover bowel and now has colostomy bag. She was in HDU for nearly a week and then moved to a mobility rehab ward.

Because she was in some pain her mobility worsened and she can no longer walk and needs hoisted. Hospital rehab ward have worked with her but as she is so strong willed decided she won't do anything while in any form of pain so progress has been extremely slow.

She is coming home today after 6 months in hospital. I am glad we no longer have to visit every other day as it was costing a fortune in parking.

I have changed jobs so I can be available to her even though she has carers coming in 4 times a day. So far she has made a lot of ridiculous demands about coming home and I am now wondering if I have done the wrong thing given her needs should be met by her carers. I just know she is going to be as awkward as possible, she has been awful since she heard she is coming home, she was the same before she went into hospital so not a new thing.

Yes- a new sort of stress. Please think really hard about what you feel you can give/ do- and leave some contingency time. Build in time for you. Sounds like the more you do the more will be expected. Be really clear about what the carers are doing and let them do it. You must look after yourself. Really important. Good luck and keep posting!

So she is home!

She was back 5 minutes before she started. She insisted she wanted her bag changed and that she could do it herself. I suggested she waited for her carers to come just incase as I would be of no help.

Nope, 10 minutes later, poo everywhere and I dry heaved several times. Her clothes have poo on, I've cleaned her up best I can until her carers arrive and I am now home.

For your own sanity, you are going to have to be really firm with her. Engage with her carers, and write in her communication book - let them know what you will and won't do. Then she can't tell them 'oh, Rainicorn will give me a bath'.

A big white board so everyone can put notes on it about stuff - Tuesday, GP visit 10.30, Rainicorn collecting at 10.00 - for instance, a notebook for shopping lists (take a photo on your phone and then tick through each days so there is no arguement), and washable laundry bags (you can get them from ebay in different colours, and you can put the whole thing in the machine in case of body fluid spills).

Does she have things like an emergency pendant in case of a fall?

Genius idea about the book/board! I will definitely use that.

She is wheelchair bound so hopefully no falls.

She has a hoist and I've said I'd like to be trained but dh has said I'm not to. She has been home 2 hours and I can see his point

Hospital didn't arrange carers for lunch time so I've had to do it but she is very uncomfortable in her chair and I can't transfer. Hopefully they will be there soon as called them and told them they need to come.

I was thinking of falls from bed/chair if she tries to reach something. My parents have one through AgeUK, and it has been a great comfort to me in that they get a voice instantly, and the ambulance turns out faster. They have a key safe (fitted by the local council handyman service) so the ambulance staff can get in.

Could you get the carers to make her a sandwich and leave soup in a flask for lunchtime? Or if she can self propel, then put a microwave on a table so she could heat up a ready meal (if the freezer is accessible).

If she is inclined to be awkward, then you may need to keep records of money you receive from her/ on her behalf and what you spend.

I agree with your dh on the hoist btw

Has your MIL got a Care Manager? I imagine she has and you need to make contact with her and find out exactly what MIL Care Plan says, how often carers will come in and what they will (or won't) do.
In my experience the Care Company will send someone out to do an assessment - try to be there when that is done.
Don't volunteer for anything at present - wait and see how it goes. Make sure MIL has a plan of action if carers are late visiting, or even miss a call - calling you is not an option.
I know I sound hard and unsympathetic to your MIL but it will help no-one if everything is heaped on to you - here speaks one who nearly had a breakdown trying to cope with my husband at home…….

All wise advice from those who know- and your dh sounds on the ball too!! Your role is to facilitate and make sure others do what they are there for.

This is the time for boundaries. Only do what you are willing to do. I found it useful to think in terms of what would cause DH and DC to become resentful. They have been great, so anything that caused them to start resenting the time (and in my case money) that was going to my mother was a warning sign. They did not have my childhood, and so don't respond to the buttons my mother is able to press, and so are more detached and have better perspective.

Not everything will work. Getting an elderly person into a routine takes ages. Especially coming out of hospital where key skills have been lost. Managing carers is a nightmare. Some are very good, others are ground down from running from home to home with no real thanks or appreciation. One things at a time. The important ones first.

The happier you are and the more manageable things are for you, the longer it will work out. I cant promise it will ever be good, but you need to avoid getting to a point where you are running on empty. My mum is pretty stable and I had not seen her for a month, but a day running errands and taking her to appointments has left me drained. Everything has to be negotiated, manoeuvred, managed or manipulated. And obviously no gratitude.

Good luck.

Thankmyouneveryone for your kind words and advice. I was prepared to be flamed as I sometimes think I come across as harsh wrt her.

She has carers in 5 times a day doing all her personal care and meals as she can't self propel and is awaiting assessment for an electric wheelchair.

Thankfully the hiccup from earlier is just a one off thing. She is extremely strong willed and it's hard to change her mind once she has it set.

Does anyone know where you renew the weekly tablet/blister packs? Do I need to call the gp or the pharmacy? Had to go back to the hospital to get all her meds as they didn't send them with her and where meant to taxi them but didn't.

Her GP will need to prescribe all her drugs and agree to the pharmacy dispensing them as a pack. So first step the GP (who hopefully knows shes home and has all the details..), then the pharmacy of your choice to ask for her meds to be made up this way.

Thanks. Will call gp tomorrow. She was already having her medication delivered from local pharmacy so hopefully they will do it again.

I am exhausted.

I'm not suprised - you really need to make sure you look after yourself as this is a long haul thing and its very easy to get burnt out.

Very true. If she is anything like her mother she will live well into her 90s.

We are currently in the process of trying to get her moved to more sheltered accomodation. The currently lives in a sheltered accomodation place but it's private and due to budget cuts there is only someone there 2 hours a day during the week.

A whole load of other things happening at home, I've taken over appointeeship of SIL as MIL can no longer do it and I also have three children, one with SN.

So yeah, lots going on.

Poor you.

Really when you start to feel exhausted is the time to be brutal. No one flames in this section of MN as the likes of me ,CMIOT and Bob will see them off pretty quick. You are there. That is better than an awful lot of siblings. n one of us are in a position to judge. I probably have another 10 years of this so do stick around. I want company.

I forgot to add that I set my husband up as the boundary setter. Its not actually true as he is far easier going then me, but much as my mum might demand from me, she is terrified that he might put his foot down and she is left alone. (My DB and DSiL have vanished making sure I am aware that they are too busy and too important to contribute.) So I stop her demands by saying DH is not happy about the time I am spending away from the family. Though on another level I need to ensure that my family don't suffer. (I was probably lucky that they are teenagers so a bit of mucking in is good for them, though they also need me to be around.)

Another voice of support here. It is a long haul and we can only do it if we look after ourselves. Sounds like you gave a lot on- can you get support for other bits? Like a cleaner? And plan treats for you. My mil died three weeks ago after declining with dementia for several years- and now the practical issues and funeral, looking after fil( in a home for 6 years after a stroke) we are left feeling relief and realising how much it has taken out of us. Meanwhile my dm is 89 and although has physical health issues is in strong voice and needs a lot of input from me- but I am trying to maintain and protect boundaries....... We have one life too. Take care.

Thank you all, you've been a great help when ive needed it and I've reread your comments to give me strength.

MIL is settled more,mgetting used to her carers coming in,malthough still phoning us if they are so much as 5 minutes late.

I was very firm with her today, quite impressed with myself. She phoned asking me to go down and make her a cup of tea as she had woken up thirsty and didn't want the glass of water she had been left. This was at 16:30 and her carers were due at 17:30. I told her that I wouldn't do it, and that she is not to phone again to ask me or DH to as we were not here to run around and things like that for her.

We have already spread ourselves thin the past few days doing various other things to make her life a little more comfortable and I don't want to make a habit of being a glorified waitress service.

So as harsh as it may seem I denied an old lady a cup of tea, it is for her and my benefit. After 6 months of being waited on hand and foot by hospital staff she does need to get used to having to wait for things.

Well done, and its fine. Your mother wont come to any harm simply because she does not have a cup of tea when she wants. She might come to harm if you become run down and ill and are not able to monitor the delivery of her care arrangements.

(As an aside apparently you get more pleasure from things you have to wait for....)

The power battle between me and my mother raged for about six months after she came out of hospital, till I think she realised things weren't going to change and that actually things were OK, indeed as good as they could be expected to be. Our bone of contention was control of her finances. Two years later and I have still not finished sorting out the mess she left, including fraud, mis-selling and no records. Easier for me then to decide I was not risking this happening again. In this case it was only half a white lie to say the bank would not allow her a cheque book.

I got a huge amount of abuse. Real toddler tantrums, with adult knowledge of how to hurt. But as with a toddler, it is probably good not to get everything on demand, to experience a bit of boredom, and for them to start realising they are not the centre of the Universe.

Once she is settled is there any scope to make visits more formal. Eg say you will call round on, say, Wednesday, at a set time. Let it be known that you are quite busy on other things. If she call say you will look into it when you come round. Then take a small gift, say a packet of biscuits, flowers, or some shampoo. Ie that you are there to visit not to care for her. The gift thing works a treat with my mum, as it helps get things off on the right foot. With dementia she has no idea whether the previous visit ended with smiles or with her screaming at me.

Total support from here too. Love the gift idea- have done that unconsciously but it does help so will do that regularly.

Completely agree with need more. Look after yourself rain.