Feeling overwhelmed and guilty.

[Athyrium]

My elderly mum is barely mobile due to arthritis, obesity and heart failure. She is also carer for her husband (my step dad) who has heart failure and severe dementia. I visit weekly for the day (between school hours that is) and phone regularly between times. They have been just about coping but things are getting worse at the mo and I think we are close to having to accept they are not coping any more.

Meanwhile MIL has also got multiple health issues and her and FIL are clearly no longer coping either - she has recently had a major health setback. We visit once a week when she is home, daily when she is in hospital. FIL can't cope with her at home now but won't admit it.

DH and I both work, and we have 2 DCs of 4 and 6. We have no other family support. My brother has always had a strained relationship with my mum and barely manages to visit for more than an hour once or twice a month. DH is an only child so no one there to share the care with. My step dad has 2 sons who are not interested in visiting him at all.

So whilst I feel over stretched I also feel hugely guilty that I don't do more. Both sets of parents live 40 mins away (opposite directions of course!) so we cant do the popping in regularly thing, it has to be a proper visit IYKWIM.

I don't know what to do, there have been major deteriorations in both camps this last few weeks and it isn't going to get any easier any time soon. Any advice from anyone going through similar? It's all a bit daunting.

Been through similar problems and discussing the same with my friend this morning. This feeling of guilt is so familiar but you can only do what you can do. Can help be organised for cleaning etc.? Other people visiting for various purposes has the advantage that anything wrong can be reported and it is another form of socialisation. Age Concern are usually helpful, providing advice and contacts. Remember that your parents know you have your own family to consider. They would hate to think of you tearing yourself apart with guilt and worry. Also, you can make yourself ill and that is not an option with your family responsibilities. I know only too well that feeling of panic and the dread of even visiting. You have to steel yourself to cope with the emotional and the physical. Try to work out what outside help can be managed and then work out what you can manage with all your commitments. Accept that you are human and not a machine.

My parents are both very frail, mobility impaired, and mum has dementia. They live 70 miles away, I work FT, and have an 8 year old. And my brother lives 200 miles further away and doesn't care or lift a finger. Believe me, I feel your pain.

Currently they have a cleaner once a week (just to do the heavy stuff of course ) and a carer twice (just to help mum to do the beds, and keep me happy y'know). Dad manages to shop on his mobility scooter, but I do their clothes, electrical items (mum blew up three microwaves last year) and everything else online for them, and have done food orders when needed.

I've found more peace with it since accepting I can't do more, and that dh and ds have to take priority as theres no one to help us. I also have emergency plans of what will happen if dad has to go into hospital longer than one night (I know where I'll get her into respite, know how much it is etc), if either of them dies, and have power of attorney for both of them.

If either set haven't had social services assessments done, I'd get that started asap as it took forever to happen for mine, and if theres a local carers service they will help with entitlement to attendance allowance and council tax discount. Getting those meant my dad was a lot more receptive to using taxis, cleaner, carers as it wasn't costing him anything.

Yes, CMOT, attendance allowance most important. You certainly have done well in sorting your mind and your situation out. My mother had dementia and Of all the other troubles that was the one that tore me apart.

Thanks for the replies, they have helped. I do need to accept I can't do everything. In many ways the biggest part of the problem is getting both sets of parents to accept that they need help from outside agencies. They are too proud to admit it. They don't realise that this just puts too much pressure on us to do all the supporting. I think it's time for some stern words. Though I have recently filled out an attendance allowance form on behalf of my mum/stepdad so hopefully that will bring in some money they can spend on external care. As for my in-laws, they have dismissed out of hand anyone coming into their home - argggh! I don't know how they think they will cope when MIL comes out of hospital, they are in for a shock unfortunately. Perhaps that will bring things home to them.

I feel for you Ahtyrium. We went through this with my inlaws. My MIL has Alzheimers, FIL was her carer and was adamant he would have NO help from outsiders. We liver 250 miles away, my BIL is abroad so we could not help. In the end MIL got so bad (doubly incontinent) but FIL was refusing help. So we had to "persuade" (stern words) him that if he would not let the help come to her she would have to go to it and in the end she went in a home. We were up and down every week for about two months trying to sort things. My FIL then stopped looking after himself but would not have help, he had a fall and a stroke and he too has joined mIL in the care home.