Where to go next? Confused & Upset - advice please??

[frogbubbles]

So angry and disappointed today. My DGF has been readmitted into hospital.

He was discharged late July after a 7 week stay in hospital everyday I took my DGM to see him everyday. I sorted out the bills, pensions and grocery shopping. I missed quite a chunk of college and as a result I didn't have my grades in time for uni, so I have had no choice but to postpone until next year.

When he was discharged I had sorted out all equipment from social services, had a new landline & panic alarm fitted, key safe fitted and all his post hospital care and medication ready.

After two weeks he stopped taking his medication. He is so stubborn and won't listen to anyone. He is generally cantankerous yet jokey that's his personality, but he has become so rude, he ignores me and rest of family. If you try speaking to him he turns up tv/radio volume or picks up a paper and you have to ask three or four times before he even looks at you.

When he does speak to you it's usually to moan that something you have done that isn't right or he needs something doing or taking someplace.

I also care for my DGM who has early stage dementia. If I try and say things like "I'm sorry I can't do that today" or "no I'm not doing that" she starts crying and says things like I will catch the bus (she couldn't because she would get lost) and she knows I know that.

I love them both dearly and I would do anything for them, even if they moan that stuff isn't done right or they are both been down right ungrateful (I don't want thank you's every five minutes but an acknowledgement from time to time would be nice) I'm angry because if he had just taken his medication this could have been avoided. I don't know where to go from here. It's heartbreaking because I want to help them, but I can't this time because I have to put myself (college) first and that makes me feel selfish. Oh Im so confused...

Caring is a largely thankless task and sometimes you just have to put yourself first regardless.

Thank you and big hugs from me for all you do for your grandparents. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but take it form me you are amazing for being so caring towards them.

Is there any anyone else who could help? Even just for a day or few hours?

Thanks wiffle that's really lovely of you. We've had a 'family meeting' and my mum is going to do hospital visits, my dad is taking nanna to hospital during visiting, and I will take care of any house things/groceries/doctors and nanna care.

I really appreciate your kind words, you are totally right. Caring is so hard when you have your own life. I will be more assertive in putting my own needs first, but I'll always be there for them. Thank you

Hi frogbubbles. Firstly, you are doing a fantastic job! Secondly there are many options out there that can help you;

Have you heard of Home Care - It involves carer's popping in to the persons own home from 30 minutes up to a few hours and supporting their care needs, such as personal care, taking medicine, going to the doctors, cleaning and so on. You can even arrange for them to assist your grandmother to the hospital to visit your grandfather.

There is also the option of Live in Care - This is when a carer actually lives with the person in their own home 24/7. So the carer would move in from a minimum of 1 week up to 6 weeks at a time. They can again support the person with all their care needs and have the added benefit of security, peace of mind and companionship. You could have these services as a respite cover to give you that break you deserve and allow you some time to concentrate on your college work and future.

Obviously these services come with a cost, but you can get your grandparents assessed to see if they are entitled to help from their local council.

I wish you all the best.

Immacolata do you work for the company whose logo you have attached? That looks rather like advertising to me.
Frogbubbles, sounds like you are going beyond the call of duty and your GPs are making it hard for you to help them. My Dad has dementia and used to throw his weight around. He got into the habit of hitting my eldest son. My husband told him very clearly that if he did it again, he would no longer be welcome in our home. Dad Never lay a finger on him again. So I think even people with mild / moderate dementia can change their behaviour if it is in their own interests. I suspect it's time to lay down some boundaries with them. Could you tell them you can help, but on certain days only, and that if this is not enough for them then you will have to stand back a little and let other people help?
Your grandparents probably won't like this change of tack from you, so far they've had it good and will try and make it hard for you to renegociate. Just stick to your guns, it really gets easier the more you stand up for yourself. Sorry to say, but with the elderly and the demented, they can become so focused in on their needs and frailties they just lose perspective of other people's needs.
Home care can of course be helpful. My Dad has it because as his dementia has progressed his needs have become greater.He pays for it himself and it costs an arm and a leg. If you have more than 23000 in the bank, you will be expected to pay for it yourself.