Today, I felt so terribly aware of how frail my parents are for their age

[CMOTDibbler]

I took ds to visit my parents, and there was a town 'festival' on, so parents (on their mobility scooters), ds(8) and I went. Various people who know mum greeted her, all of whom I know, and are of the same age as my parents. All of them walking around, chatting happily, greeting people by name. And my mum, not able to even name me or recall that they knew me. Having to be directed by my 8 year old. Deeply confused by the 'people dressed up' - the morris dancers.
And people laughing with their grandchildren, great grandchildren, where mine don't. Theres no pleasure - the most ds got from them was a ride on their scooters when he asked.

gaahh. Most of the time I accept this is my life, but it brings it home when I compare them directly

That is very sad.

I in contrast am amazed by my DD who chose to have lunch with my mother at the restaurant in her very sheltered housing yesterday. I often take my mother out for a coffee but often more from duty. DD even says she will do this again next time she is down. There is no obvious reward in that my mother wont remember, barely knows who my daughter is, and was never the type to 'make a fuss' over any child.

Perhaps part of the (very small) silver lining is that our child will have gained a level of maturity and tolerance that their peers have not needed.

Thats lovely that your dd enjoyed lunch. I think one of the issues with my mum is that her language is so limited now that she just can't talk - unless its one one of her three 'scripts', so no chance to interact. And dad is so stressed he can't look beyond them.

You're right though - it makes me proud to see ds gently prompting mum, and never being upset that she doesn't know his name etc

CMOT it is so hard and I know exactly where you're coming from. It just seems so unfair. Today in the park with kids and DH I noticed a very sprightly grandma with her 2 grandsons, obviously giving her lucky daughter/ son a break. Could have been my mum, if she hadn't died 20 years ago. My Dad is well incapable of childcare now, he's the one who needs caring, and lately has to be steered round situations involving crowds, because he's been aggressing people. It's hard not to feel self pity, I try and get at least one positive out of this situation, by making the most of the family relationships I have now. My lovely French uncle (mum's cousin) came to visit us, i treasure the friendship he has with me and my kids. He also came to visit Dad with me, and small mercies, Dad didn't try and punch him...

Oh and i haven't taken the kids to Dad for months, it's just uncomfortable for them on so many levels.

Know exactly what you mean.. In the process of finding a suitable nursing home for my 63 year old mother. She has a degenerative (sp?) brain disease and can't stay in the very sheltered home she is now as she basically needs 24-7 care which the sheltered housing can't provide.
Sad situation, and awful to have to decide over someone's life like this at her age.

A colleague retired recently, older then my mother.

It does make me sad that my children have never had a gran like I had..

I understand op, only too well

I'm glad this section is here, to offload feelings like this, that are so hard to discuss with friends whose mum and dad are doing fine...whereas.....yep, I get it

for you

I understand your feelings OP. My mum is only 59 but in a wheelchair and frail from a multitude of health conditions. She's also displays dementia - style symptoms at times as a result of CO2 poisoning from lung damage. My DS are just so accepting that this is how their grandma is. They were even pleased to spend Boxing Day visiting her in hospital, because they wanted to see her. I worry that one day they will be upset seeing other kids collected from school by grandparents (as they do yet another session of after school club) but I can't change it.

I'm just determined that they will not be pushed into taking a carer role for her - I was involved in my own grandmother's care from about age 8, I don't want that for them.

Sympathies to all . It does suck.

I'm the youngest member of our local WI and they are a lovely lively bunch.

We have done several history trips round local towns and it always breaks my heart a little to see 70-85 yearold ladies stomping round town and stand for ages and rember my 74y DM can't even walk up her own hall.

It's my parents 50th wedding Aniversery next month and DM doesn't begin to feel strong enough to go out for a meal. Her arthritis is simply to painful for her to get in the car.

Thanks everyone

Mum would have been a wonderful grandma, even in frail physical health, and she's never got to be that. Selfishly, I am also jealous of those grandparents who spend time with the gcs on their own - mine can't, dh's don't want to

Thinking about this a bit more.

My problem in part is that I did the London thing of having a career first, struggling onto the housing ladder, and then having children - late. Thereby ending up as the filling in the generational sandwich.

I am far from alone. Too many people I know are juggling the demands of raising teenagers, working to afford the mortgage/school fees, and now having to take responsibility for ageing parents, often living some distance from London.

Its a bit better now, not least because the children are older, but there was a stage about 5 years ago when my father was dying that I was so tired.

to anyone in the same position.

I'm the opposite, I was a late child, I'm far younger than my siblings. They had the best of my mum and dad and my mum and dad were great grandparents to my nieces and nephews. By the time I had kids my dad died when ds was a baby and my mum was alone and needing help. My siblings had long since needed mum and they left all the care and worry to me. So when my kids were in primary I only had an old mum, and no one to share it all with or to feel i had any support from the siblings who had received so much support themselves.

Yes, I'm bitter and resentful, and I find it hard to let these feelings go.

But i was always there for mum and I'm proud of that. And although it doesn't bother them in the slightest, my siblings can never say that.

Is this not two issues. Your siblings have grown children so could have helped. They did not. The evidence is that more of us have absent siblings than have helpful ones. I guess at the end of the day we each choose what we are prepared to do, though in your case it sounds very unfair.

The second is the decision to have a late child (or a child late). I feel quite guilty and feel I have an obligation to ensure that I don't become a burden when my own children may have young families. Given that "I dont want to be a burden" seems a mantra for many elderly people (and usually when they are refusing the help which would make them less of a burden) I am not sure how this is accomplished, though hope that the fairly open dialogue I have with my children about my mothers care needs will help them feel equally able to discuss problems when I get older.

yes, it was unfair needmoresleep. when our parents get old its up to us how much help we give them, even if you live far away phoning regularly and visiting as often as you can keeps in touch, also supporting the sibling who has it all to do would help enormously.

all it just depends what we are prepared to take on and what we can ignore and still live with ourselves happily.

I dread getting old. I try not to, but I sometimes say to my kids don't forget about me when I'm old, as I feel, well know, my siblings forgot about mum.

I also don't want to be a burden, but I've also seen how someone changes as old age kicks in.

Its a hard situation to be in.

Aww CMOT much hugs,

Moresleep is right- absent siblings, enough said. Mine is coming over for 4 days in Nov. Mum thinks this is " wonderful" . Yeah bloody marvellous. I've been over (90mins each way) 2x this week to take her to appointments, generally "do" for her and even taken DS to clean through the house as much as he can.... And I do work pretty much FT.

Also the decision to have children late - that's what my parents did, therefore I'm dealing with this at " the wrong time" in my life- with teenage kids and a full time job, not in my 50s and semi retired.

I sympathise. I was moaning talking to a friend about my DM the other day, and mentioned she was 69. My friend was really surprised, and said how she thought she was in her eighties. Mum is crippled with arthritis (for which she refuses all help, but that's another story) and hasn't really left the house in about 30 years. My DDad, who's fifteen years older, is actually a lot more sprightly, tho the years are telling on him a bit more. They are not that nearby so it's moot I guess but I do envy the mums who have their mums around to help with the kids, go out for lunches, go shopping etc.

DM was an awesome mum to me but the arthritis has really changed her and I can see how much my kids exhaust her now. It's such a shame