worried about fil, possible dementia, family not keen to do anything.

[livelablove]

I am worried about my fil who I think may be suffering from dementia. Our family situation is difficult and I am not sure what best to do for him. fil has always been a bit odd and he does not have a very good relationship with his sons, even though bil lives with him. Bil tends to stay in his room and not spend time together, but he does help with shopping and some chores. We visit about fortnightly mainly to let him and bil see dd. It is not that he is unpleasant, just a very much set in his odd ways. Also they are all quite anti social and seem happy spending a lot of time alone.
Fil broke his hip 10 years ago and now his leg seems worse than ever. He walks only short distances with two sticks. He cannot go out at all any more and avoids going to church even though they have a minibus, even though he used to be a lifelong churchgoer. His memory is affected and he seems to be very confused. He often says things that turn out not to be correct. One thing I found convinced me he could have dementia is that his neighbour, whose wife had dementia, thinks he has it after talking with him.
Bil and Dh seem resistant to taking fil to the dr. I am sure fil would not want to see dr about his memory but would go about his bad leg and knee and I believe it is possible to ask the dr to look into mental problems in advance of the appointment. But when I talk to dh about it he says there is little point as there is nothing to be done about dementia anyway. When I mentioned the dr to bil he also seemed resistant to taking fil there. Bil seems to be struggling with fil's increasing problems, when we visited today bil blew up over him wearing an old broken pair of glasses and not asking for help to find his normal ones. He says fil will never ask for help and always justifies mistakes caused by this by blaming something or someone else, such as the glasses were blamed on the optician giving him only one pair so he didn't have a spare.
I feel something needs to be done but I need to convince dh and bil that getting medical advice will lead to some practical help and will be worthwhile.

This is tough when you are the one who can see it. When starting to diagnose Dementia they first of all rule out things like a UTI and any vitamin deficiencies etc .

Depending on which type of Dementia, there are meds which can slow the progression. My Mum has responded very well to one called Galantamine. When a diagnosis is made down here the system starts kicking in. They advise sorting out POA's and a Memory support worker is allocated. It paves the way to getting more help in the future.

There is a lot to be done about dementia. If fil has dementia it's going to beget worse and his needs are going to change and increase. And there are medications that can help too. Head in sand approach is going to make things much worse.

You must convince him to see his GP. The GP will not discuss FIL with you but he will listen to your concerns. He will be able to ask your FIL a series of fairly innocuous questions and depending on that it will go on from there.

But with someone in the early stages of dementia, and without the rest of the family on board it may be difficult for you to make much progress. Someone should be at the appointment with your FIL, as he may lie or be evasive and may well forget any instructions that are given to him. Medication will help but it won't make him better. It can certainly improve things and can prolong this early stage much longer than without intervention.

I lost my mum this year to this dreadful disease. I wish you luck.

Thanks for your replies. I have been worried about this for ages, but dh and I have both had health problems recently, and there was a problem with dh work so I have not been focused on him, but he seems to be getting worse and his leg is also causing him pain plus we were both a bit shocked at how my bil overreacted to him losing his glasses. So now I hope I can finally get something done to help him.

Thus could have been me two yrs ago! My FIL, also odd, with three hip replacements, started on the dementia route but DH refused to see it. I have never been close to him mysoginistic old bugger but I managed to get him on side with a whole load of sympathy and started batch-cooking him 'ready meals' he could just pop in oven. Then persuaded him to go to GP with DH and me for a "general older person check up". I organised a double length appointment with the most suitable GP and explained the issues to them on phone so he'd be prepared.

FIL talked at length with GP about himself and his ailments. GP very kind, patient and them did an informal memory test, just to give him a baseline from which to detect deterioration in the future. FIL was a borderline pass/fail and was quite agitated about Alzheimer's (GP says this is most old peoples worst nightmare). GP explained simply to him about vascular/other dementia, suggested strategies for coping, talked about the meds he was already on, etc. Also talked about what was down the road. Totally reassured FIL (and us) but made DH realise he couldn't ignore it.

While we were in the surgery, I asked GP if I could be listed as someone that could be contacted about FIL - GP just said to him "is that ok with you?" And he agreed. So now I can order his meds, talk to the receptionists, etc and DH doesn't shoulder all the burden.

2 yrs later and he's degenerated but it's been slow. He had a community Geriatric psych nurse assessment and an EEG to determine if any trace of Alzheimer's; they decided there was a bit. He takes Donepezil which is only licensed for Alzheimer's patients, and it has helped quite a bit. The psych nurse was also brilliant at explaining things about memory and old age.

Today we've been back to doc as he has a start of flu - high temp and chest infection. He isn't good at taking meds so we're now starting down the route of social services organising a carer once a day to help him out. We'd like him to live independently as long as poss, but have to take one day at a time. When he's happy and perky he's lovely to be with (has forgotten how useless women are!!!) and we try to chat most days on phone or in person.

Sorry for the essay, didn't want you to feel as lost as I did for too long without being able to do something to help your FIL out. I help mine not because I'm a saint (as my MIL says!) but because my children need to see how to be compassionate towards the older generation. One day it may be me needing their care! They are also entitled to have a grandad for as long as they can. Sometimes I boss my FIL about but he is grateful! And knows that I am doing it for him. Of course it wouldn't work without DH being supportive too, but he works away several days each week so can't always be there for every crisis like losing the remote control

Good luck and do PM me if you want to ask or chat. We DILs need to stick together!

Thanks so much for your reply pinkcheese it is funny how alike our Fils are! I am definately going to insist we contact his GP soon. It is a bit hard when bil doesn't seem keen and he is living with Fil and helping him with things, but I think dh and I together will convince him.

Really dont underestimate the ability people have to deny or ignore what might be going on.

A guess, but if your BiL acknowledged there was a problem the onus might be on him to do something. This might scare him. Much harder for him to ignore a formal diagnosis, so you might be better off getting your FiL to the GP before trying to convince your BiL that there is a problem.