Advice needed, MIL has dementia and MS, FIL can't cope. Told to try here for advice.

[ThePost]

MIL has MS, is completely wheelchair bound, is doubly incontinent and has what looks like dementia / psychosis. FIL has been her carer for years but was diagnosed with Parkinsons last year, He physically and mentally cannot cope anymore. We are overseas and can't help FIL. MIL was taken into hospital last week literally ranting, raving and tearing her hair out. She is vicious towards FIL. She needs 24 hour medical and mental health care.
Today FIL has been told that there is not enough medical evidence that she has dementia and she will have to go home. He told them that he can't cope with her needs anymore. TBH, I think he is suicidal. Social services, hospital doctors and FIL were meant to have a case meeting today, FIL turns up to be told that the meeting has been cancelled. Unofficially, FIL and MIL's sister have been told that the best way forward would be for FIL to let MIL come home, FIL to move out for a month and leave MIL alone with a panic button and carers coming in 3 times a day. Doubly incontinent? Well, they can put incontinence pants on her. Can't help herself if she falls? Well the more she presses the panic button, the greater the case they can build over a month that she needs help. The fact that she has dementia and probably wouldn't be in a position to use a panic button seems to have escaped them.
What can we do? Who should we approach for help? She needs to be in care. It seems unbelievable and barbaric to me that the authorities are basically telling FIL to abandon his mentally and physically ill wife. FIL is desperate and I have no idea who we should turn to. If social services are telling him to leave her, who else can help?
Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

That sounds desperate, and I sincerely hope that's not the best that can be offered.

I'm no expert unfortunately, but these people should be and are reputable, independent and free, so hopefully should give your family sound advice on the English system:

First Stop Advice

Good luck sorting this out.

I think they need to ring the Alzheimer's Society for advice and this is worth reposting on the Talking Point Forum.

From what I understand of the system no one can be forced to be a Carer. It seems to be a sad fact that those that shout loudest get heard and you have to say the right thing, if I were your FIL I would be saying (and following up in writing so there is a paper trail) that I am approaching Carer Breakdown due to continued violence from MIL and am withdrawing my care.

That MIL is a 'vulnerable adult' and that leaving her between Carer visits will create a Safeguarding issue and he holds SS responsible for her care. There are Carer Advocates at various Charities who can act as an advocate for him and I suggest an immediate visit to his GP saying he can't cope.

Then get DH on the phone to SW, again followed up by email saying he is very concerned about the situation and that his Father has been attacked by his wife in his own home. That he considers it to be irrelevant what the diagnosis is, MIL is violent and doubly incontinent and FIL has Parkinson's . That SS have a duty of care to FIL as well as MIL as his health is suffering and DH considers him to be about to have a Carer Breakdown and he is not able to care for MIL. Repeat the bit about MIL being a vulnerable adult and safeguarding and that he holds SS responsible for the safety of both his parents.

So sorry you are all going through this

Is she in a general hospital or a mental health hospital?
If a general hospital has she actually seen a psychiatrist who could say whether she has dementia?
FIL must push them to be sure she has had the proper assessments. He should write down the problems he is having and the risks if she comes home.

What does she want and is she capable of expressing an opinion?
This is usually the sticking point:

A person has a right to live in their own home even if it is risky and even if it is detrimental to their partner as long as they are mentally capable of making a decision and able to weigh up the risks.
However if they are assessed to lack capacity then their decision can be overridden and they can be placed against their will as long as everyone agrees it is in their best interests.

Usually medical and nursing staff have no desire at all to send someone home to a risky situation in the face of family opposition (don't want complaints apart from anything else) but the obstacle is if the person themselves insists on it and they are not demented they still have the right to take the risk. Of course their partner has no obligation to participate in caring for them but paid carers may be enough.

I think he must put his concerns in writing especially the risks
He must check she has had a psych assessment including a capacity assessment
He should maintain that he is not going to do anything to support her going home (even if in reality he would) so that they are forced to at least give her a maximum care package.

Thank you all for your advice. Will follow up your suggestions.