Too Late

[Gingermum]

My mother died two years ago, leaving my dad who has always been very lazy and self-pitying, allowing mum to wait on him. Typical scenario, just after her hip operation, he would be sitting at the table and announce, 'Mustard Mary' and mum would get up and shuffle into the kitchen to get said condiment. My sister and I would protest and dad would just shrug and mutter 'I'll do without then' rather than get up and walk literally five paces into the kitchen. Mum did him no favours - we accept that and she shouldn't have made him so lazy and dependant.

But I have no happy memories of dad from my childhood. He was a bully and would 'tease' me and shout at me - come home drunk from the pub, and then be either horribly maudlin or just bad tempered. As I became an adolescent he would comment on my body and make creepy remarks about my 'tits'. He never touched me but his remarks made me anxious and feel dirty and ashamed of myself. I've spoken to a few friends and they all said, individually, that my dad made them feel uncomfortable - standing too close etc.

The point about this is he never expressed affection or said 'well done' when I needed it and now he is old, he wants me to cuddle him and tells me he loves me. It means nothing to me now - in fact I just want to run away. I've made sure that I take my own children's fears and worries seriously and I've never humiliated or shamed them the way I was shamed. My sister and I have taken good care of him - he has carers and a cleaner and we are arranging for him to go into a lovely sheltered accomodation place. So why do I feel ashamed and guilty that I can't/won't make my peace with dad before he dies. I just feel that it's too late and he should have been a better dad when I was a child.

We just have to accept that our parents did it differently and learn from them. My own upbringing has made me a better parent. My parents were selfish and always put their own needs before mine and my siblings. My Sister and I have agreed after many years of upset to draw a line under the situation and only look at the present and to the future. Both of us feel much better for making that pact. Dad passed away many years ago when we were in our twenties and Mum has emotionally blackmailed us since then. We now see Mum regularly but we set a time limit and have a code word when we have had enough. She makes no effort with us but we do the dutiful daughter thing.

Thanks Trump. It helps to have sibling support and like you, my sister, feels pretty much the same way. And I do think that like you, I've consciously chosen to do things differently with my children. They are both confident, secure and able to stick up for themselves. So maybe all you can do is try to break the pattern.

Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about my feelings though, my late mother would accuse me of being 'dramatic' and dad would sigh and sink into what my sis and I call his 'poor me' posture. Denial all the way . . .

Sounds to me as though you have been more than generous already.

You reap what you sow, so please dont feel any guilt. A bad parent cannot expect their adult children to love and care for them. It is a reciprocal "agreement". It is not for you to make peace with him, it is for him to ask your forgiveness for your childhood, and if he cant, he has understood nothing, and you dont have to worry about it.

Thank you Quinteszilla. My DH said that as we get older we can become a 'concentrated version of ourselves' and in dad's case he is sodden with self-pity and denial. He speaks of his marriage to mum as 'blissfully happy' when my sister and I know it's totally untrue. I suppose it's his way of coping. But thank you for your wise words. I've been told by a few people that I need to make my peace with him but I can't.