End of rope with dad and his rubbishness with money

[weaselm4]

Hi, I don't know how to explain this succinctly, but don't want to drip feed so this might be long. Sorry.

I could do with some advice. My wonderful mum died of cancer aged 49 over 10 years ago. My dad was understandably devastated, so decided to open a B&B in eastern Europe. He has no experience whatsoever in hospitality.

DB and I expressed concerns. He sold his house and didn't keep any of the money aside for a rainy day.

The B&B has mice and bedbugs, is in the middle of nowhere and is just not nice

He has run up over £10k in credit card debts and has also wiped out DB's savings 'borrowing' from him. He has form for frittering away money - my mum once had to borrow money from her parents to buy food because he'd blown all his cash on a camera.

I am on the verge of cutting contact, but that would leave DB to cope with it all. We both have partners and children to be thinking of without trying to parent our dad .

Why can you not keep contact but not support him financially? You could offer sympathy and advice without giving money.

There is no reason why you and your DB should have to parent him but you don't have to cut him out of your lives completely

I agree with Piscivorus - keep in contact, but don't offer him any money to bail him out.

I don't get why you feel the need to cut comntact over this one issue? Why not just sympathise with him while totally refusing to 'lend' him any money? Your DB was a bit naive to lend when he has a history of being useless financially. But that's his problem, not yours.

Agree with Piscivorus - why do you have to sever ties with him? nobody is forcing you or your brother to give him money. Until you stop bailing your dad out he will continue to abuse your generosity. The kindest thing you can do is not give him any more money and get him to see his bank manager.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I think the thing is, I have lots of anger and emotional baggage concerning him.

He never got my mum a gravestone, so we've ended up just doing it ourselves after years of offering to help him with it, then him refusing the help but not doing it either.

I admit that I'm hurt that he left when my children were very young, and 3 months before niece was born.

We went to stay last year and he chose not to tell us about the chainsaw wielding local who had chopped his front gate and door trying to get to his wife in a drunken rage. I noticed the marks on his car and only then did he tell me.

And we came home with bedbugs.

I know I sound like a cow, but I'm worried about the implications for the future - having to go over there and sort out his affairs after he's gone. Or having to put him up in our house if he decides to come home (we don't have space).

My SIL and I both have MH issues, so it's not very easy to cope with

He seems pretty useless and irritating, and if you really feel you've reached the end of your tether with him, then I can see where you're coming from.

But I think it's simpler, with most people, to just 'ease out' of the closeness of the relationship, so that the annoying bits seem less important, and carry on being in contact in a way that works better for you.

You don't have to visit, or have him to stay, even if you still phone/email/write from time to time.

I think you might feel better if you sit down, either on your own or with your DH or DB/SIL or both, and work out some ground rules. You can then all back each other up in sticking to them if it comes to it.

Sometimes just having a plan makes you feel better.

Yes Piscivorus, I think you're right. One of the problems is that we tie ourselves in knots over what we 'should' be doing for him, and still end up feeling helpless because he won't listen to us or acknowledge that anything is wrong.

If we had a plan, I think the situation would feel a little more under control.

So glad I've got a fab DH, and get on well with DB and SIL.

Thanks for your replies again.

Hi Weasle- no wonder you have anger issues relating to your father. He sounds impossible. Sometimes impossible people have children and I 've come to the conclusion that the children have to protect themselves. I'd recommend drawing some tough boundaries around yourself. Nothing to feel ashamed of, because your Dad clearly has the potential to overwhelm people and if left to it, drag them down with him. In no way shuld he be bailed out, lent money etc. If it's a case of him becoming destitute and coming back to England, then the one comforting thought is we still have a social security net, and an NHS. One route would be to get social services involved and eventually he may be re-housed through them.
Maybe counselling would be helpful to enable you to clarify your feelings for your Dad, and establish what you can and cannot reasonably do for him. I speak as someone who's just finishing 20 months of counselling because I was overwhelmed by my Dad's dementia and the seemingly endless stuff i had to do for him.

Thank you whataboutbob. I feel so guilty for just wishing I didn't have to see him or hear from him ever again.

And I miss my mum still. We were really close and there's no way that she would ever have left the country when she had grandchildren. Sadly she never got to meet them.

Counselling really would be useful. I'm only just realising what a nightmare dad is and how messed up my head is concerning my parents. I feel bad because many people have far worse parents than mine, but hey ho.

I think counselling can help you better understand the impact parents have. Just because they are not worthy of the tabloid front pages, in terms of physical abuse etc, does not mean that parents cannot have far reaching effects. My mum died when she was 54, never got to see her grandchildren. For a long time I was angry with Dad, I still believe if he'd been a more reasonable person and she'd been more happy in her marriage, she'd still be alive. It just doesn't hurt so much anymore and maybe because he's not well now and I am so focused on the practical aspects of supporting him and just don't have the energy, I don't feel angry anymore. Maybe the counselling helped too. It certainly helped me to draw some boundaries and not feel so personally responsible for everything.

Hi OP, was just wondering how you're doing? I've got an impossible Dad too who really shouldn't have had children, and am currently trying to establish some boundaries so he doesn't mash up DD's head like he did mine! Your tying in knots comments struck a chord with me. Oughts versus wants and all that. It's all so exhausting! Good luck with it...