advice please - 96 yr. old mother - long.

[oskybosky4]

my sister and I care for our DM age 96. We both live within 5 minutes of her so visit 4 to 6 times a day. There are no other carers. Ny sister and I are both in our 60s, both with illness problems of our own. I have inflammatory arthritis condition and my sister has asthma.

she has been forgetful for some time but only such as repeated asking what day it is that type of thing.

last Friday she told me there was a man under her bed. There wasn't, all the windows are locked and anyone would have to get in through two locked doors. It didn't matter how much we reassured her though the man was real to her.

Saturday my sister went on quite early, mum was half way up the path in just a nightie. She never goes out. It was lucky my sister went when she did or goodness knows how far mum would have got. she claimed she was still seeing men in the house. Sunday she was asking me when her dad was coming home and she was telling me my sister had been crying because she had seen my dad, [she wasn't and hadn't].

Mum was very frightened about these men she thinks and sees are in the house and she clearly did not believe us when we said there was no one there.

Monday, called the doctors, the nurse came who can prescribe, examined her and blood press. temp and pulse all fine. She tested a urine sample and said there were leukocytes ? and she had an infection. apparently urine tract infections can cause hallucinations. She prescribed antibiotics but did say to call if she didn't seem to be getting better.

Tuesday much better. Back to normal we thought.

Today, fine this morning, lunchtime went into meltdown with my sister, saying the man was in the house again, she couldn't live there any more, she wants to go back to the village where she grew up even though we tell her there is no one there she knows now, she has outlived them all. My sister is so upset. I am going on this afternoon and teatime.

She has never been assessed, but the nurse did ask some questions on Monday, such as do you know your address and what season is it, she didn't know either.

We don't know what to do next. We have not discussed homes or even looked at any. I did see someone at Gateway to care and got a load of leaflets a few months ago but then she seemed to get so much better we didn't do anything about it.

Can anyone advise what the next step is, is the doctor, is it social services. She needs some sort of nursing care rather than just residential as she has to take tablets, doesn't eat unless you are with her, doesn't cook or even make a drink. won't go out, although she says she will, you get everything ready, the wheelchair, car etc but then at the last minute says she doesn't feel well and won't go.

sorry to be so long winded.

Urine infections certainly do cause hallucinations. Make sure your Mum is taking her meds and call the dr again if no better. Social services can do an assessment for your Mum and talk to the doctor as well. Care Homes can gives meds and look after residents regarding eating and personal care. Nursing homes are for those who have medical conditions that a Care Home cannot cope with. Have at a look at all the advice on the Age Concern web site. Social services have a list of homes and can tell you which ones will take funded residents if your Mum has no money.

Your local authority may have a helpline service for careers. Age uk are very helpful. Sounds really tough. Good luck.

Urine infections can as you say cause hallucinations and make older people very unwell. Effects can last past the infection being treated.
First port of call is the GP. Did they send off a sample? If not this may need to be done as they will prescribe a general antibiotic first and the infection my not respond to it.
It won't be appropriate to refer for memory assess whilst she has a toxic confusional state.
A ref to social services for a short term placement may be appropriate if she is not safe to be left or GP won't admit to hospital. Pysch. Bed is not appropriate as the cause is physical.
A residential home can deal with meds and the needs you mentioned.

All the best with helping your mum.

hope things get better for you and your mum.other posters have posted good advice. x

Call the gp again. If she is acutely confused she should not be at home alone. It sounds like you and your sister do an amazing job but perhaps she needs admitting to hospital for a few days. Whilst there you will be helped access services to plan the best long term help. As someone else said she can only be properly assessed once any infection has resolved so that things have returned to the true baseline. Poor you be kind to yourself and get some rest.

Hi thanks everyone for your responses. I have just been there for the last couple of hours. She was talking a lot about her brother and mothers house and she wants to go and live there. Her brother died over 30 years ago, she was obviously very happy in her younger days before she married and seems like she wants to go back to that life again. I explained she didn't have enough money to buy a house in the village and there aren't any sort of sheltered accommodation there either, I don't think she understood.

I tried to explain that its not possible and she agrees then goes back to the past again. She is saying she hates it where she lives and can't live there anymore. She also said could she live in a little room at our house. While this is a possibility, we have 3 flights of stairs, no downstairs bathroom and not enough room on the ground floor level. and she can't do stairs anymore and I struggle to help her. I don't know if my husband would agree to this long term anyway.

I have phoned my sister as she is going on at bedtime but I can see we are all going to have to get together and have a discussion sometime soon. My sister doesn't really want her to go to a home as she thinks we are coping well and we wouldn't be able to visit every day, neither of us drives.

The nurse who came on Monday did say to me that she didn't want to 'whizz her into hospital' her words. But not to hesitate to contact the doctors if she didn't improve. My sister wants to wait until she has finished the antibiotics. to be fair she doesn't seem to be ill in herself and she was having lots of sips of water while I was there its just the confusion and this thing about not wanting to live there any more because she hates it. Does anyone think this is just because of the infection.

My Mum is really very bad with a UTI. She sees horses sheep etc. The nurse is right about not wanting her in hospital unless she gets very bad and dehydrated. They took my Mum in and she caught other infections in there which has led to how she is now with dementia. Also it is New Years Day which is a bad day for going in. Mum goes back in the past as well - Cal the dr tomorrow if she is no better and they will probably prescribe different ABs. Can one of you stay there tonight to put your mind at rest?

Pudcat, thanks. My sister will have got her ready for bed now and she will probably be in bed. She does sleep very well, she says. Sometimes she gets herself up in the morning and others she waits for one of us to go. We are worried about her going out again but we just have to hope that she doesn't.

If one of us did stay the night then she would expect it every night and would probably play up a bit if we didn't. This is what has happened with the meals, she used to get her own meals and did very well then she was ill with a cold or something and my sister started to take all her meals except breakfast on and mum came to depend on them and stopped going in the kitchen.

She will watch a bit of tv if one of us puts it on but never puts it on herself, nor will she put the radio on. I think she can't remember how to do it even though we tell her all the time. She looks at the paper but doesn't really read it, all she does is sit in the chair and have lots of naps and think about the past.

If she is still the same tomorrow I will call the doctors again.

She is amazing for 96 though she has never been ill or in hospital apart from giving birth.

96 is a great age. My Mum will be 91 next week. I tried looking after her here when she became ill but I could not manage when she became immobile.

Wow, your mum is a good age too. It is physically very difficult when they can't manage themselves I agree. Is she in a home now or in her own home.

She is in a NH after being in hospital for over 3 months last year. She has breast cancer, a gallbladder fistula, totally immobile and doubly incontinent. She is also blind in 1 eye and deaf and has vascular dementia made worse by repeated UTIs. I sometimes wonder how long she can go on for.

Oh dear she sounds in a bad way it must be awful for her and for you as well.

Hi oskybosky4. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to say you have my sympathy. I'm currently trying to sort out things for my aunt who is 90. Your mum has done brilliantly to get to 96, but it does sound as though she needs care now. You and your sister can't do it all. Having her at your house doesn't seem like a good option for many reasons.

My aunt constantly goes back to the past and can remember a lot about it although her short-term memory is almost non-existent now. The not doing things for herself sounds just like my aunt. We think she's hardly eating anything and has stopped making hot drinks. However many times you explain how to do it, it just doesn't seem to stick, or it's just too much effort.

I hope things improve or get sorted out for you.

Hi and thanks for your message. Your aunt sounds a lot like my mum.

I gave it quite a bit of thought last night and tried find some kind of solution. I don't think her coming to live with us is really an option, though if we lived in a bungalow it would be easier. Plus I don't think my DH would be entirely in agreement as he also has an elderly mother who has care needs. I could live with my mum but not MIL and I suppose he may feel the same.

I looked at maybe renting a bungalow for us and mum but again it is an option but my husband would have to be in full agreement.

I looked at Care homes in the area where my mum grew up and where she clearly wants to live there are two possibilities and one of them has very good ratings and is fairly new and also has good reviews.

Financially she is under the limit where she would have to pay the full cost herself, though as she has some savings she would have to make a contribution and as she is living in a council property now she has no house to sell.

She doesn't get attendance allowance as she has never applied for it but clearly she would qualify. Is it correct that if she did get this it would go towards the fees for a CH.

I have just been speaking with my sister and mum seems not too bad today so far, although a neighbour told my sister that mum had been knocking on her door at 4am one morning.

I think we have decided to set things in motion about getting extra help, including the possibility of CH for mum but how do we go about it.

Do we contact social services first or the doctors first. She will need to be assessed for her needs and her financial needs I suppose.

Any help on how we can set things in motion would be greatly appreciated. It all feels overwhelming at the moment.

You can go direct to SS, and ask for your mum to be assessed. There can be a really long wait for this to happen alas

ring your local social services and ask to make a referral for an assessment and take it from there.

She won't qualify for attendance allowance whilst in a care/nursing home as she will be having her needs catered for in there. My mother is in one and receives pension credit and old age pension only- her AA stopped after a month of being in there

Check out the care home that you think is good now- they may be able to offer advice. Also they may have spaces as this is a time of high mortality- six people died at my pil's excellent home in the last 6 weeks...... A seasonal event sadly. Also try age uk/ gp for help. Maybe even a trial week or two? Good luck. Do not contemplate moving her in- your health,family and happiness matter mst.

Hi thanks everyone, I have just been on the phone to Gateway to Care at our council offices, the young man I spoke to took lots of notes and is going to refer us to social services and although he doesn't know how they prioritise cases he said to get back in touch if we hadn't heard from them in a week. He said someone would make an appointment to go and see her, with me there, and make an assessment of her needs. If nothing much happens at least her name is on the books as needing care.

a good idea to check out the home that looked good even if she isn't ready yet, they have 2 vacancies now and like you say its that time of year. I will make appointment for sister and I to go and see it, she has heard its quite good a friend of hers volunteers there one day a week.

I have got a splitting headache now, was going to clean bathroom but think a cup of tea is more in order the bathroom can wait another day.

Can i just say that without the support from you all then I probably would have put it off again hoping that things would just get better. Realistically they won't. Its just so heart wrenching that you think you can't look after your own mother but it has to be whats best and safest for her and its quite scary too that you hear so many stories about bad treatment in some homes, which I am sure are in the minority but its still a worry.

Do not make an appointment to go - just turn up (but not at lunch time). Then you will see the home as it really is. A good home will tell you just to turn up any way and not make an appointment.

Ok good point. Will do that.

If when you go they say you cannot look round right now and try to make you come back at a certain time - then I would cross that one off.

Glad info has been of use- support is always here. Sometimes we need the advice and objectivity of others! Good luck. Second turning up unannounced!!

Yes, its been brilliant to get the views of others that are not involved and who have more experience in this area and without a doubt its enabled me to get things started at least.

I went to take mum her tea, [which she didn't eat] and she was telling me about a trip to a nearby town she had been to this morning, and how it wasn't up to much, [all in her imagination]. I did mention about the social worker coming to see her soon to see what her care needs are and that there is a care home in the area she was brought up. She seemed to understand and thought it might be ok. She's probably forgotton about it now though.

One thing I do find upsetting though is, not that she doesn't always know who I am at first, but that she seems to have forgotton all about my dad who she was married to for over 50 years - she remembers everything about her brothers, mum and dad and her life before she was married.