Visiting by others

[pudcat]

I don't believe what my sister said this afternoon. I have 2 sons. They both visited my Mum regularly in the CH when it was nearby. Neither of them have visited in her in her NH because of 2 reasons. 1 - they do not like seeing her as she is and and want to remember her from when she was OK, and 2 they are both self employed. Eldest son has a shop - only him in it and it is open 7 days a week. Youngest son also runs a business 7 days a week. I know they both find it hard to make ends meet and are worn out. My sister said that they ought to visit and I tried explaining why they didn't but she just kept saying they should and kept pulling an unbelieving face. This is from someone who hardly visited Mum in hospital and swanned off on a cruise and didn't visit for 5 weeks in November.
I will not make my husband or my sons feel guilty for not visiting. Mum can't even remember that I have been.
To cap it all Mum kept saying she was dying and I got very upset. My sister got cross with me, and said she can't be doing with me. She went off without saying Happy new year.

seen this is unanswered. your sis is not being fair on you. at least you made it a priority to see your mum when she needed you in hosp etc. there are plenty of people in homes with family that never get any vistors. your sis will be the one to have to deal with the guilt should the worst happen. you can continue knowing you did your best and im sure your mum would appreciate you did your best for her

You poor thing. You have done a great job...don't let your sis get to you. Be kind to yourself.

FWIW I wouldn't make my DH or DC's guilty either and I think you are right to recognise that both your sons are working very hard. If your Mum remembered visits that might be a bit different.

Personally I would ignore her, you know you have been there and she hasn't . If she persists in making comments maybe suggest quietly that someone who didn't visit her Mother in hospital and went off for 5 weeks isn't well placed to be trying to take the moral upper hand. Then walk off and refuse to engage further sayng you don't wish to discuss it further.

Ignoring is the easier option though. It's one of those situations where you can't change her behaviour but you can change your response to it.

Imo it's v important that residents of nursing homes get regular visitors, even if they don't remember the visits, because it means someone can keep an eye on the quality of care. Sad that this should be necessary, but there you go.

If your mum is getting plenty of visits, preferably to an unpredictable schedule then fine.

It sounds like it would be really hard for your sons to visit and I can see why they don't. It might take some pressure off you and your sister if the visiting load can be shared more widely but that's up to you.

Txs. I have decided to ignore her comments. I really do not have the energy to argue and explain. sleepyhead I visit my Mum 3 times a week. I usually try to fit in around sister. When Mum was in hospital for 3 months I went every day and fed (tried to feed) her. My sister managed 2 Saturdays because she didn't like going and also was on another cruise. I would still go 3 times a week even if she had other visitors.
We are lucky that the NH has an excellent reputation. We only expected Mum to live a month at the most when she went there in May but she is still here. The staff are wonderful.

Pudcat I think 3 times a week is very good going and you did brilliantly to manage every day for 3 months It is good to hear positive things about NH's. I think the staff are brilliant at my Mother's as well. Helps me sleep at night.