Struggling to cope - elderly dad and young children

[JJ28]

I hope this post doesn't come across as a whinge / 'woe is me' but I just can't seem to find a way to cope with this problem and this thread seems full of people who understand.

To cut a very long story short I'm feeling overwhelmingly squeezed by pressures of looking after elderly dad and young family. Dad is 75 and I recently moved him close to me so I could help him out and he could see his grandchildren more.

I work f/t, commute 2 hours/day and have been doing some extra qualifications to try and get into a better job. I have two children - 2 and 5 who I adore but find I'm constantly telling off because i'm so tired. I am disabled after a medical negligence case 5 years ago and am constantly exhausted

His house purchase wasn't easy - I finally found him a property which met his specs (within a couple of streets of me) and despite him approving it, he has criticised it continually since moving in. I managed the whole move (inc changing services etc, writing him instructions for the new appliances etc) but he's argued with the companies (through me as he's very deaf) since. He agreed he'd only bring over what he needed (his previous house was full of years of stuff he couldn't manage) but then brought over what I can only describe as filthy junk - old broken furniture covered in mouse droppings, black mould covered fridges etc - I stood in his house and sobbed because his health is so bad and I just wanted him to have a clean environment. I also wanted my kids to go round but until it's clean (believe me the filth is just too bad for a curious 2 year old), I can't risk it. I said i'd clean it but he says i'm clearly too busy and he'll have to do it, but then just argues that it's fine. I've argued with him about getting a cleaner but he's completely unwilling to let a stranger into his house as they'll 'steal things'. he also denies he's ever stopped me cleaning it.

I get him round to my house as much as poss (2-3 times per week), regularly leaving work early to give him time with us despite then having to work late into the evening to catch up. i've also found him local Age UK groups but he won't go. He complains (I know legitimately) about being lonely but when I say i'm doing as much as I can he says 'i'm obviously a burden I should leave'. It's horrendous.

Christmas was beyond horrid. We had invited him for dinner and he'd originally said yes, but then gradually made excuses (NB PIL there too, dad was convinced he'd ruin their xmas being there despite assurances from us all). He came for a coffee Xmas morning, but despite pleas from us all to stay he went. The next day I called him and he complained how lonely he'd been and didn't want to leave us. I had to bite my tongue that it was HIS choice. A couple of days later he came round before SIL was due and said 8 times he'd be gone before SIL arrived (Despite me asking him to stay). Just before she was due he then needed to go to the chemist so I said 'you take your car back to your house and i'll drive you'. He got very mad and said 'why do you want me out of the way? even my car is in the way. i'm obviously a burden'.

Because of this I have had clinical depression this year, my work has suffered and my children are suffering because i'm so tired and depressed. There's no one else who can help (he doesn't speak to anyone else in the family), refuses to let services in and as he's very deaf doesn't socialise with anyone. I'm just at a loss as I feel so guilty about his loneliness and my children's time with me but have nothing more to give. I call him every day, usually for my whole journey home from work but the majority of this call is me telling him he is welcome and dealing with his emotional flooding.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate them as I feel very very alone. Thanks

Oh. My. God.
I didn't even finish your post before I felt overwhelmed myself!!!
needed I think!
To be honest, as harsh as it sounds, you need to tell your Dad to bugger off! He is putting far too much pressure on you and being emotionally manipulative. I appreciate that he's lonely and might struggle with his deafness, but he's an adult, he can find a solution if he wants too. By doing too much you are probably encouraging his dependence on you and taking away his independence.
Your Children NEED YOU. This time is precious and you will never get it back. Again, sounds a bit cruel but your dad has had his turn, now it's theirs. Don't waste it.
Big hugs, chin up.

It sounds awful. I'm all for supporting parents but your children need to come first here. I'd suggest putting some distance between you.

He might have depression. Can you go and talk to your GP and ask if he/she knows of any help for either you or him.

Is he religious? Could he try to get out of the house for a religious service once or twice a week, or some type of men's club?

As for the house, can he pay for contract cleaners to come in and you could all supervise and chip in, perhaps over one weekend.

Even though he doesn't speak to other family members, this is getting serious now, could you fill them in and find out whether they are willing to provide help?

After all of that remember there is only so much you can do. There might be some type of respite service you could use. Even if he got home help for 30 mins every morning, it would break up his day? Most home helps have police vetting and are reliable.

You need support right now, I would start by speaking to your GP. Take care, it sounds so overwhelming.

You sound absolutely at breaking point, and something needs to change before you collapse under the strain.
TBH, you need to drop the guilt about your dad - either he goes to things, or he stops complaining about being lonely. His house is unhygenic, so either he lets in a (CRBd, referenced) cleaner or you and the kids won't go round etc.
You might need to be really firm with him - I had to tell my dad that social services would say they were not coping if they didn't get a cleaner in due to the state of their house.

But you and the kids have to come first - much as you can help your dad, he is an adult and (barring dementia or mental illness) can choose to live as he likes.

Thanks all for such supportive messages. I genuinely thought I might get 'stop being selfish your dad needs you' which is how I feel. Tbh just getting your replies has helped and know I'm not a dreadful daughter.

You're all completely right about my kids needing me more and I think I just need to work out how to do it. That is actually easier just by feeling not alone through this kind of support.

As for dad and some of the other points....

Yes I think ultimately he's depressed (I'm a healthcare professional and have tried EVERY technique I know to try and alleviate this - social support, distraction, suggesting GP visit etc) but he is just far too entrenched in his views / beliefs to change them and he flips between anger and (hate this term) 'self pity' which are both horrendous to try and tackle. The hardest thing by far in all this he actually doesn't want to burden me (he says this constantly), and so if I tell him I'm struggling his immediate response is to retreat further and say he'll stay away (he means this genuinely). Basically if I am too firm it will push him away possibly irrevocably and I can't risk it. It's a real balance.

He's not religious and is suspicious of it because of all the stuff he reads about 'dodgy priests'

The family thing is a no-go. Very acrimonious splits / years of not talking - haven't even been able to mention their names for 15 years.

Cleaners - I did say id supervise but he still refused. We're in stalemate about it. Thankfully though your responses have made me feel better about being firm about the kids and it all.

I suspect, horrendously, that ultimately this won't be resolved but if I can cope for the kids that's probably the best outcome?

Thanks you all again, so much x

Agree with the other posters. You need to look after yourself and your children. Make that your priority. Good luck

Agree with the other posters. You need to look after yourself and your children. Make that your priority. Good luck

You're not being at all unreasonable. The situation is really difficult. I'm in a fairly similar situation, in that I'm split between elderly aunt who is becoming more and more dependant by the week and teenagers who seem to need me more now - for sorting out university applications, taxi service, etc.

You have all my sympathy. My aunt is desperately lonely, but refuses to have carers or move to somewhere where she would see people, such as sheltered housing. She was here for Christmas but is feeling really depressed now she's gone home. Sometimes you just can't do the right thing if they refuse all suggestions. It sounds as though your father would be deemed capable of making his own decisions and you can't foist care or cleaners on him if he won't have them.

Your father's house seems totally unsuitable for a child, don't feel guilty that you won't take them there.

I can't see an obvious solution for you but I hope you can stay strong for your children's sake. It's hard, isn't it?

JJ28- IMHO you have been so involved trying to single handedly support your dad you cannot see how much of this situation is of his own making. Yes I'll sound like a horrible old harsh person but really- he lives in a sty (of his own making) and refuses help cleaning out and hangs on to junk, even if it means jeopardising his relationship with his grandchildren. He is welcome to come round to yours anytime, but somehow manages to sabotage visits by other relatives and make you feel guilty in the process because he claims to be lonely???!!! Like you I am a health care professional, for 7 years I worked in palliative care and even when people were in the last weeks of their life it was the consultant's opinion that it did not entitle them to run rings round every one and play emotionaly manipulative games. From what you say about him being isolated, is it because others along the way have tired of his passive aggressive tactics?
I also have a father with dementia and while I love him and it is horrid to see him being stripped apart, little by little by this horrid disease, I know that the mess he lives in, the things he did not manage to do in his life (such as treat my mother better) are as a result of the choices he made and there is only so much i can do now.
I really hope you can get a little distance, accept you have done a huge amount to help and support him, and listen to your own, and your children's needs.

It's a very difficult situation. My GP made things a bit easier for me when he basically said not to get invoked in my Mother's care when she came back from a shortish stay in a CH this summer. He said I must consider my health and my children wouldn't thank me. I though about this and came to the realisation that my children needed to come first as they had been badly affected by the situation and in fact I had a duty of care to them .Seeing it in those terms helped me.

It's very difficult to get someone to change their behaviour and if he ultimately refuses any kind of help then there comes a time when you accept you can't change his behaviour but you can change your response to it.

You're absolutely not selfish and sound like you've been doing very well in very difficult circumstances.

Thank you all so much. Everything you've all said makes sense - I think sometimes even when you 'know' things (eg. my children are of course priority), it takes others to help you put things into perspective and make you feel able to the actions necessary to achieve what's needed.

FYI I read all your posts earlier, shortly before inviting dad over and they did help a lot. Basically the first thing he said was 'I can't come round, you'll get told off for me being in the way by (my OH)'. Ordinarily this kind of thing would have made me so drained at the prospect of correcting him (my OH has NEVER done anything to make him unwelcome) and I knew the mood would be dour. So instead (buoyed up by knowing I shouldn't take on board his negativity) I just stated very strongly 'No, you're very welcome to come round, [OH] really wanted you to come for Christmas so obviously wants you, I would never let anyone tell me off and I would like you to come and see your grandchildren'. He kind of didn't have a position to argue from and as a result had to quietly accept. I'm paraphrasing slightly for brevity but basically instead of feeling guilty about him being lonely I took a clear decision to simply correct him and carry on so he could be with us. It felt far less overwhelming.

I will undoubtedly have some 'dips' with this as situations get hard again, but the acknowledgement i'm doing ok has really helped. There will be very testing times ahead for various reasons and I may need to revisit the thread if it gets overwhelming again

I'm sorry to hear some of you have similarly (or worse) difficult times - thank you again for listening/replying and I wish you a VERY happy 2014 xxxxx

Well done!! Keep believing! And come back to recharge!! Good luck and have a great new year.x