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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Dad with increasing dementia, mum struggling... advice please

15 replies

CheeryCherry · 29/12/2013 05:48

Parents are both in their 80s, dad keeps falling, is confused, mum isn't in the best of health but mentally sound. She can't cope with him. They're in a flat but he is less and less mobile.
What options are there?
She will feel devastated if he has to go in a home, but she shouldn't have to go too should she? They've been married 59 years
Has anyone been through this?

OP posts:

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 29/12/2013 05:50

I'd love to have them live with us and our house is on the marker but it could take months...

OP posts:

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 29/12/2013 05:50

*market

OP posts:

tuliparcher · 29/12/2013 06:55

Does she get any help from
social services? Maybe a referral to see if they can provide any help, including respite care.
Also has he seen anyone re his memory & falls.

Geckos48 · 29/12/2013 06:58

Try and find them a warden flat or a care home together, they do exist!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 29/12/2013 08:17

There is help available for them and she won't need to go to a home too. First step is to try carers coming to help them which can be arranged through SS. How much paid depends on how much they have in savings etc. If under about 23.5k then they have a financial assessment and will make a contribution, my Mum's was covered by her Attendance Allowance. If they aren't getting this they should apply, Age Concern can help with the form. The value of the house if they own it isn't taken into accoubt for care at home.There's also a reduction in council tax if you get Attendance Allowance and a diagnosis of Dementia.

The Alzheimer's Society local to them will hopefully be able to support your Mum and also have a look to see if there are Admiral Nurses in their area. Sme places have a Memory support service. Social Services can put a care package in place with carers coming in up to 4 times a day, plus can arrange day centre visits and respite breaks. An OT can come out and check they have all the equipment he needs around the house. I think Crossroads have sitters who will come and give your Mum a break but they aren't in all areas.

There other types of accommodation they could look at as mentioned above, sheltered housing, extra sheltered/care housing and a few care homes have self contained flats.

If it does get to the stage where it is felt your Dad would be better in a home then finance depends on their assets. As your Mum would be remaining at home then the value of the house is disregarded I think. If his share of joint assets other than the house is over 23.5k then he would be self funding until they reduce to that level. Below SS would be likely to pay but don't pay as much as a lot of Homes charge.

Sorry to bombard you with information. It is really hard when you can see your parents not coping. Please feel free to join us on the long Dementia thread in this part of the forum.

pudcat · 29/12/2013 09:37

Have they applied for Attendance Allowance? This would help to pay for carers coming to help. Then as Wynken says - ask for help from SS. Here they were very good when I needed help with my Mum.

Back2Two · 29/12/2013 09:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 29/12/2013 15:08

Thanks all, he had another fall this morning, have been with them. They get attendance allowance and carers allowance, no help as yet but my dad cleans for them.
He was due at the memory clinic tomorrow but he won't actually be able to get there, his legs keep giving way. Hoping someone will come to him. A 'falls' specialist is going to see him also tomorrow.
He wakes at different times so can anyone explain how it works to have a carer to help him get up? He wakes anytime between 5 and 8, often depending on his sugar levels.
But he's fallen every day the past 5 days, his legs don't seem to be working.
Its going to be horrendous if he ends up in a home without her, but she's exhausted and can't lift him when he falls. They rent their flat, have about £20k savings.
Thanks so much for your replies, its all so distressing and he's more confused than ever.

OP posts:

insancerre · 29/12/2013 15:17

This happened to FIL. he is in his 80s and kept leaving the house at all hours.
They were given an apartment in a brand new complex with a warden and a community hall etc but he got worse and MIl couln't cope- it was making her ill.
DH intervened and involved the social worker and basically said if anything happened to his mother he would hold the social worker responsible. FIL needed round the clock care and MIL couldn't provide that. he kept wandering off and the police had to keep looking for him.
He felt awful doing it but he felt he had no choice. His brother fell out with him as he felt that he shouldn't go into a home.
it was hard but it was the best decision- they found him a care home and he is better off there.
Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, it is just not possible to care for someone in their own home.

Fishandjam · 29/12/2013 15:30

OP - just a word of caution. You say you'd love to have them live with you. Please think very, very carefully before you go down that road. Dementia can develop in very challenging ways - loss of mobility, aggression and double incontinence, for example. You might end up effectively nursing your dad 24/7. If you're ok with that, then fine, but be aware that Social Services will then consider that they don't have to be involved any more, and your sources of assistance may be less easy to call on.

I really feel for you; my mother has fairly advanced Alzheimer's and is in a care home (I have small DC and a job, so looking after her myself was - thankfully for me - a non-starter.)

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 29/12/2013 18:26

Fishandjam I work full time with 3 dcs too but was hoping that we could still get carers to visit daily via social services...is that not possible? I'm hoping we find out more about buying in help tomorrow. Its so hard doing all this fact finding.
I just really want to help my mum.
Its just what to do if he gets worse while we sell/buy/alter a new house... it is going to be months down the line.
Thank you for all your advice.

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tuliparcher · 29/12/2013 20:02

It can seem so overwhelming. Sounds like you're on top of things. You should be able to get some form of care in.
The Red Cross loan wheelchairs, if you need to get your dad out to appointments.
Hope you're able to get things sorted soon! x

ProfessorDent · 30/12/2013 15:10

Get busy is my advice. My Dad rather complacently would press the red button and call out people to help Mum when she fell over. Over time, she went into hospital as she was dehydrated or had a bladder infection, the discharge team put pressure on to get her into a home. He had money saved, has paid out, well, £1000 a week in the last two years. A week.

Maybe fix it so your father's bed is downstairs in the living room, he can slide easy from armchair to bed, eliminate stairs. Ideally there should be a forklift truck style invention to roll old folk onto to lift them to their feet but there isn't, is it possible to think a strategy through to lift your Dad without the hassle? Some low chairs or steps or low sofa to sort of climb up on rather than going onto a chair.

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 31/12/2013 21:33

Professor that's a ridiculous amount!
They are in a small flat as it is, but he has had a few falls every day this past week. The Dr has been out, his bp is dropping too low when he gets up. He has a chest infection too and they are querying a urine infection. His blood sugars have been all over the place. A crisis intervention team are coming tomorrow to assess if they can come to help him wash and dress.
I hope we are getting somewhere, my mum is exhausted.
Thank you all for your advice, I'm grateful for all your support. I need it!

OP posts:

ProfessorDent · 02/01/2014 17:20

Yeah, do keep a handle on this situation. Tidy up the place, cut the lawn, so they haven't made up their mind before pressing the doorbell is my advice. Age Concern must have something on preventing falls.

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