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Elderly parents

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Original poster

I am frightened my mum will die tonight.

72 replies

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:07

This will sound so silly.

Just as I was leaving my mum whispered "Look after yourself."

She has been unable to express any form of interest in anyone else for some time. The only voluntary sentence she has is "where am I?" Other than that she does recognise us and will smile or answer a question ( maybe not competently) with yes or no, but that's it.

Mum has not really eaten since August, not more than a slice or two of banana or a few teaspoons of porridge every day or so. But she has had no food at all for the last 9 days. Her fluid is down to 2 or 300 Ml.

I had sat and rubbed her hands with the hand cream I bought for Christmas, just skin and bone, I could feel each bone as I rubbed it in. She sighed and said "that's nice, I like cream." I sprayed her with perfume. She wasn't properly awake. Just sleeping and only opening her eyes occasionally when I spoke. So I told her I would leave her to have a little sleep, I never say goodbye, and she said that^

I think she is dying. Well, I know she's dying. But I just felt as if I had heard her speak for the last time. She said what mattered, what she had to say. And she expressed a thought. I can't put into words exactly, but it just feel that she was saying goodbye.

I have slept for 3 hours on the sofa tonight. I was so distraught that it exhausted me. I am afraid the phone will ring. She was calm and peaceful and sleeping, but her breathing was strange, and it is so much like the day before my dad died. I feel so silly saying all this when all she said was look after yourself, but that is so out of character and not something she has been able to say, or think, for so long, that I am convinced it is meaningful.

OP posts:

timidviper · 27/12/2013 23:38

Downton Try to keep calm and think about yourself and your mum. What do you want to do? Do you think your mum wants you to be there? This is a time to follow your heart.

My Dad wanted us to leave, he asked us to go as he was tired then he died after we had left. Do you think your mum is the same and said that today as she wants to slip away quietly?

Whatever you decide my thoughts are with you.

libertychick · 27/12/2013 23:39

Downton going there won't make it happen. Life takes it's natural course and you can't do anything now to change that. Are you frightened of being there when she dies? Most people are terrified at the thought. I was with my Grandad when he died and I am so glad I was, it felt like the right and natural thing to happen for him at that time and even now 23 years later I feel a sense of peace when I remember it.

Try to take some deep breaths and empty your thoughts for a few minutes, just focus on the breath. Then after a couple of minutes when your mind is empty ask yourself do you want to be there when she dies? If the answer is no, that's ok, you have already done so much for her and she wouldn't want you to be frightened.

But if the answer is yes go there. You will regret it if you later feel that you let a lack of trust in your instincts stop you. Either way, you will have made a choice and that's easier to live with than regrets. Hope that makes some sense.

LilQueenie · 27/12/2013 23:41

Im sorry you are going through this. Its not silly. Ive had the same type of things happen. Phone or just go to her. Who cares what anyone thinks of you. If this is your mums way of saying goodbye (and Im not saying she is going) then you are one of the luckier ones that get a goodbye and know it. I know that might seem hard at the moment but if it happens in time it will be a comfort. Im thinking of you at the moment.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/12/2013 23:45

Sorry.
If you do want to go, go.

I missed my grandmother by around 3 minutes.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2013 23:46

Oh my love - I am so sorry your Mum is in such a bad way & I'm sorry you have had this scare and are having to deal with 'fearing the worst', I would go back if it was me - even if it means waking someone up (at the home/hospital :(

Of course it will be awful when she dies, none of us ever want that to happen to someone we love, but sometimes - although it's hard on us - it's a kindness to less them go. Their quality of life isn't what we want for them, or what they want for themselves... try let her go with your blessing. Sending you lots of love & strength x

TaraLott · 27/12/2013 23:47

I've been night staff too, no one will mind you turning up, even if it isn't tonight.
Night time is always hardest and this time of year is so full of everything.
You just go when you want to, ring them first sure, but if they're busy and don't get to the phone just go anyway.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 23:58

I've spoken to the sister in charge. She's fine and sleeping, but she reiterated about very little intake of fluid today. She has promised to ring me if anything happens.

I don't know if I would want to be there, or if mum would want me to either. She has said what she needed to and maybe that's enough.

I was very, very angry when dad died after I had left, that's what I meant about him asking the time, he knew and he waited til we had gone. And he had such strong faith, in the end it was between him and God, he didn't need us anymore. I was furious with him.

I know people have visions of sitting around beds for days, holding hands and waiting, but I know for many it isn't like that, people can just die at anytime without notice, well of course we've had months of notice, but I mean that that moment can come just like that. And you are never ready.

OP posts:

wewillmendit · 28/12/2013 00:03

Downton, do go back if that is what you feel that you want or need to do. Really, no one will mind. Even if you just doze in a chair, you will be with your mum. Sending hugs for you x

wewillmendit · 28/12/2013 00:05

Sorry cross posts. No you are never ready, that is true. Do whatever you feel is right. I hope you manage to get some rest.

TaraLott · 28/12/2013 00:07

You're right, it isn't like that all sitting round stuff in the films, it's hard watching someone you love leaving you.
You do what's best for you now, hope you can get some sleep and the night nurse doesn't have to ring you.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 28/12/2013 00:07

I feel that it's not right for me to turn up now. Disturbing her and distressing her when she is peaceful is not right. I will cry, I am a crier and that won't help anyone and may scare her.

I felt we had our moment this afternoon. Maybe we will have more time, tomorrow or in the next few days, it won't be long now. Maybe I will sit round her bed for days, waiting, or maybe she's done and is waiting herself. I don't know.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 28/12/2013 00:08

Is your mother religious? Would she like to see a priest you reckon? My mum had such peace after her own mothers passing, for bringing a priest to see her.

libertychick · 28/12/2013 00:10

More (((Hugs))) for you downton. You know best what is right for you and your Mum. I hope you can get some rest tonight. Thinking about you.

TaraLott · 28/12/2013 00:10

I was irrationally angry with Mum for ages, I still am a little I suppose.
She couldn't stop it happening but she always said a gypsy had told her she'd live to be 92 and part of me must have believed it.
Lots of love to you.

junowiththegladrags · 28/12/2013 00:13

Of course your not ready, you never will be, but that moment doesn't matter so much as all the time you've had together.
She knows you love her, even if she can't say it now, she knows, and has wants the best for you which is to look after yourself and rest now.
I hope you both have a peaceful night.

annaban · 28/12/2013 00:14

OP - sorry to hear this... I'm just another faceless stranger thinking of you at this time.. I hope you and your mum find peace.

LibertyChick - what a beautiful post. I believe that advice would be hugely helpful to anyone in this unfortunate situation.

FeastOfPhteven · 28/12/2013 00:14

thinking of you x

Heathcliff27 · 28/12/2013 00:17

Hugs for you, thinking about you and hope you manage to rest some tonight

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 28/12/2013 00:20

Not really Quint she's a spiritualist, if anything.

I think that's why I have this sense of dread, because it felt like a sign, I'm not really "woo" but funny things happen around the dying and moments of clarity or signals that the end is coming, well they happen don't they?

And even doctors can't predict things exactly. All the signs can be there, they know it's coming but they can't pinpoint the moment, minutes, hours, days even weeks, people can hang on and surprise you or just go.

OP posts:

Iammelting · 28/12/2013 00:21

My Mum waited til we weren't there to die.

We had ^ that moment the night before when she spoke lucidly & we thought 'this is it'.

We were all there for when my Dad died & the nurses said that Mum may choose to go when we leave to spare us going through it again (5 months apart) - she waited of course until I left her.

Dad needed help to go & leave us but Mum had Dad waiting for her (she could see him there before the end)

Your Mum isn't alone downtown

((Hugs))

makati · 28/12/2013 00:22

Just sending you a hug as I've been through the same thing with my dear dad.

Heathcliff27 · 28/12/2013 00:26

Youre right that strange things do occur at times of death. My GM had a stroke and was in hospital for 10 days before she died. She was unconcious the whole time and hadnt eaten, only minimal fluid intake. On the day she died my mum woke up and had a feeling that it was going to be that day, she made her way to the hospital without telling any of the other family she was going. Got to the ward to discover that my aunt and uncle had both felt the same thing and had just arrived too. They hadnt discussed it with each other. My uncle was at work and got the feeling he had to go to the hospital.

About 30 minutes later my GM passed away with her 3 children at her bedside.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 00:28

Yes, funny things do happen around those who are dying.

Your Mum told you to 'Look after yourself' - irrespective of whether they are her last words to you or not, they are ones to remember and try to follow x

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 28/12/2013 00:30

I am going to try to get some sleep. I will need strength in the near future, that's for sure.

Mum has been " dying" for a long time. But death, that final thing in the process, it's getting close. Mum has also been "gone" for a long time. I am blessed that there was enough left of her for her to express that she cares. It's more than some people have.

Thank you all for listening to my emotional ramblings. I know some of it isn't rational and that they're just feelings. I just hope she is peaceful. I think she is now.

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 28/12/2013 00:33

I'm sorry op. . Try and get some sleep so you are recharged up for tomorrow. Your mum would want you to.

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