'It's tough' - No, it bloody isn't!

[FurryDogMother]

Sorry to moan, but I need to vent a bit. Every time I feed my father (86, Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, prostate cancer, still rather with it, but drinking far too much) anything that isn't fillet steak, poached salmon or chicken - he says 'it's tough' - which it most definitely isn't, as I'm eating the same thing at the same time, and can tell! We just had two beautiful venison steaks - cooked rare - knife slid through them - but oh no 'it's tough' is what he said. I could scream - but I smiled, and finished off his 'inedible' meat whilst he spooned down (oh yes, he was trying to cut his steak with a spoon, despite having a knife and fork) the mash and peas and sauce.

Part of me is laughing, part of me is frustrated, part of me is pissed off - and then the sensible part of me resigns herself to living off the aforementioned fillet steak, salmon and chicken for the foreseeable future. This is a ridiculous moan, I know, many people would kill for a fillet steak. There are a lot of things I can do with chicken and/or salmon. I can't expect Dad to be able to express himself in a better way - I think 'tough' is a euphemism for 'not keen on that' - but I just needed a virtual shout about it, and to remind myself not to expect him to be reasonable. Posting here is better than banging my head on my desk :)

Gawd knows what he'll think of the turkey...

Buy some bags of frozen salmon fillet to keep in the freezer, will keep him happy

Obviously the turkey will be tough.

Do you have to eat the same as him? Can't you just give him poached salmon while you have something else?

You sound rather saintly, actually.

I work with people with dementia and it is very common for people to say that meat is chewy or tough as the disease progresses.
So pork , beef is often off the menu. Taste often changes as well so they mat refuse previously liked foods as they don't taste the same.

My mum frequently says that things taste horrible or wrong. What she actually means is that she hasn't recognised it as a particular food, or processed someone telling her what it is, and therefore its not what she expects. I guess like picking up a mug of what you think is coffee and its tea - tastes well weird. So 'tough' might be an attempt to say something else

If he's trying to use a spoon to cut things, sounds like cutting his meat up might help too.

My Mum now has to have all her food minced or pureed for her to be able to eat it as it is all "tough". That is if she will eat it, because she is going through a stage of thinking everything is poisoned .... again.

Furry - and all other carers -
Your Dad is so lucky to have you - I have a friend coping with parents with similar illnesses, and thank my lucky stars that although my Mum has her problems, she is able to cook and care for herself.

Wow - thanks all - after posting I had a sudden feeling of impending doom due to complaining about eating fillet steak :) Fridayfreedom , that is so good to know, I was - well, not exactly hoping, but yanno - that it wasn't me being unreasonable and having the hump about his 'it's tough' complaint. Now I know it's probably part of his dementia, then it's easier to live with. I'm one of those people who like to feed others - it's how I show my love, I suppose, and it hurts a bit when I know it's good and I get a negative reaction. Ack, and there I go making it ll about me again, which it isn't. Anyway, better to burble on here than keep it all inside and fester :)

Burble away. Dementia brings this interesting challenge of trying to work out where the person is coming from. Something that can seem quite hurtful is usually not about you at all, but a mix of confusion, stress, and fear.

Best wishes.

My dad's food tastes have become a lot simpler. He used to be a v good cook, would make curries, italian food etc. now he is very happy with biscuits from pound land and a pie from the bakers. I think nursery food would suit him now. Why no try your dad with stuff like mince, meatballs, stew, scrambled eggs? The swallow reflex can also become weakened in dementia and that kind of food becomes easier to process.

Interesting observations team.

My dad is still loosing weight /just failing to maintain and after being here for a week I reckon he's just not allowed enough time and encouraged enough to keep eating when he's home- mum gives him minute portions but at a family meal he'll keep eating if you remind him, till he's eaten a decent amount.

Theas, is your mum still trying to feed your dad healthily? My dad was trying that, and its only since he was persuaded that the main issue was for mum to get enough calories in that her weight has stabilised. Shes on half a tub of clotted cream ice cream a day now, but the memory clinic dr said that was great as it had protein, fat and carbs

I think she probably is.... We have jersey milk and double cream delivered by milk and more though as I'm in charge of that. She's not eating enough either :(

The rest of us are fattening nicely after a week of Xmas pudding with custard and cream lol. I think we tried to model the eating behaviour they should take on!

When dad gets to have fattening stuff he likes it as he's been on a "diabetic diet" for years but we stopped all that when he had his lymphoma diagnosed- his diabetes isn't high on his list of medical priorities.

My mum has diabetes too, and we decided that it wasn't a priority. No statins either anymore.

Trifle is another of mums favourites, and though its grim to us, tinned stewing steak goes down a treat so dad uses that as a base for a lot of things

Interesting about the taste going. My dm is just starting her journey down this route, as yet undiagnosed but has become increasingly forgetful. Yesterday we were having a different drink and they were having 'yesterday's fruit juice' which looked a little odd but assumed it must be coconut or something. It wasn't until later that I realised that they had downed all of dh's soya milk which is generally disgusting a fairly acquired taste. Another piece in the jigsaw.

I guess as hard as it is it is best to give him food that he likes and will eat. For other reasons I often have a different meat to the rest of the family and it isn't too much extra work. Just sad when you see your parents in this situation.

Lunches where my mohr is are very popular, and by common consent "delicious". Except they aren't. Rubber chicken, over boiled potatoes, summ't with custard. Real school dinners. Starter is always soup or juice, presumably to help ensure sufficient liquids are taken in.

I had assumed that tastes were frozen in to wartime habits, and was hoping that by the time I get there there would be a decent range of curries. However I guess it might be because older people have lost some of their sense of taste and refer food to be bland.

I wish you all well. Fillet steak in not tough but trying to care for loved ones with dementia certainly is.

Reporting back - the turkey (hallelujah!) was not 'tough' and he scoffed a sizeable Xmas dinner, followed by sticky ginger pud and stem ginger ice cream. Boxing day salad went down well, and since then we've been living off various nibbles - cheese, ham, cold turkey, twiglets, that sort of thing. At one point I had to rescue an unopened bag of spuds from the bin bag outside 'cos Dad had decided to throw them away, but other than that (which we both found funny, in the end), we had a really good Christmas.

Slightly complicated by the fact I came down with the 'flu yesterday (and it is flu, not a cold, am currently sitting here shivering with sweat pouring off me) - luckily I made sure he had the flu jab this year so he's happily munching and drinking away whilst I stagger in and out of the kitchen with things to tempt his appetite!

I did mention the fact that I wasn't feeling tremendously well due to the flu, but he's decided that 'no one gets influenza these days, dear' - which, when you've had the flu jab, I suppose is true! Gotta laugh really :) This year, I'm going to make sure I have it too!

I am so grateful to all of you who've shared your thoughts and experiences here - it helps to share this stuff. Dad's become quite a fan of spicy food in the past year or so, so I think tomorrow I'm going to order a delivery Vindaloo for us both - saves my energy and sanity, and he'll enjoy it - plus it might help clear my head out a bit. He also likes Dominoes pizza with extra anchovies and chillies, so we'll survive!

Best wishes to all who are travelling this unknown and winding path (am being a bit sentimental, probably down to the temperature!) - I'm so conscious that the funny moments are to be treasured and stored as memories for the future - and also as armour against the downside of it all - about which I refuse to think tonight. Time for more pills, then bed.

Glad it went well. Food is one of dad s few remaining, accessible pleasures. I took him to a concert yesterday, which I was pretty confident he'd enjoy ( it was Bach) but his comment was " It's not proper music" .he did however really enjoy the chicken curry in the cafe beforehand. Another change is a new found passion for sweet things, he stockpiles toblerone, drinks 7 up by the 2 litre bottle, etc. he is diabetic but that is a fight I have given up on ( not least because he cannot remember being diabetic and gets upset and angry if told he is).

Apparently a taste for sweet things is v common in dementia. My mum never had a sweet tooth, but does hugely now.

Interesting about the concert Bob, as mums musical taste has changed too.

You are the country's unsung, often unseen, heroes. You don't think of yourselves in this way, but you are.

My parents are aged and short of money. We could squeeze them in, but with 3DC and both working full time, we could not care for them properly.

I have 3 siblings, but we all work, none of us are in a position either to give up work or fund their care.

Treasure the smiles.

Thanks fiona that is kind.