Both parents with dementing illnesses. Next steps?

[Corygal]

I know it's against the odds. I know I shouldn't worry because it's still early days. But..

The deal is that Dad has got some kind of dementia, even tho he's been misdiagnosed by the local hosp, and now mum has been told she has Parkinson's, which gives her an 80 per cent chance of demential too.

I need help about practical matters - my brother has POA (he is the favourite, and lives in Denmark, also hilariously unpractical) but my feeling is that something needs to be done about preparing to finance their future care.

They're both 76 and from very long-lived families. At this rate, they could easily need 10, 15 or 20 years in care apiece, which would mean a blistering 7 figure bill. Each. They can't pay it.

Does anyone know anything about how to tackle this?

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents. Apart from the obvious thing where you need to all sit down and talk about the POA (have they both done health & welfare and financial), its now that decisions are best made about where they live etc. I wish I'd got my parents to sell their house and get a flat where I live when they were well enough to get some enjoyment from it, rather than dad facing doing it all when mum goes into care.

AgeUK have a good information on how paying for care works

Thanks CMOT. Well, mum and dad have both decided that they won't ever move from their house. While this is clearly the wrong decision, it's their mistake to make.

The other thing is that they are very suspicious about money - maybe a symptom - anyway, my brother has all the responsibility, which again is unusual as a choice as he lives abroad and my SIL doesn't want to get involved.

What I'd like them to do is to swap their large family house - which they're already having trouble maintaining - for a smaller place in the same area. Then help their grandchildren a bit (DBs kids), given that all their money will going to Gideon anyway for care, so they might as well distribute some of it now. And spend the rest on holidays.

This sounds like a nightmare. I think you and your brother need to have a conversation. At some point things will be come his decision to make.

Though POA, I assume he can delegate to you if you are willing to take things on. Or at least accept input from you since you are in the UK and will have a better idea of how things work.

A couple of comments:

1. You may find that older people, especially those finding it hard to remember things, don't want to take holidays, or change the type of holiday they want. (Cruises work well for those less mobile, and Just Go coach trips seem happy to take people who are a bit "forgetful". They count them on and off the coach!) I agree that their money should be spent on themselves, but you may find that the best contribution to their quality of life will be to buy in additional help, aids etc. Watch out too that if they do need to move in a hurry, many sheltered type flats need to be purchased.

1. They need to be careful about making lifetime gifts if there is any likelihood that the Local Authority will have to step in to pay care costs. Dont underestimate how much private nursing care can cost. My mother spent some time in convalescing in a wonderful nursing home which felt more like a five star hotel. However fees went up to £1,500 a week for high dependency. (And if, like us, the NHS decide with two days notice to discharge someone who is clearly confused, and who is scheduled to have an operation to have their wrist rebroken the next day and already has a broken hip, on Christmas eve home alone with relatives over 100 miles away, and without notifying Social Services or their GP, you need some rainy day money to dip into.)

Do join us on the main thread. Some of us are further down what is a long journey. We would welcome company!

Just wanted to say both my parents have dementia and it isn't easy ,but im glad ive found this forum and know im not alone .