My Dad isn't managing and I don't know where to start

[citybranch]

I'm my dad's only child and only family close by, he lives alone in a council flat and I feel as though he isn't managing anymore. He's 70 and suffers from chronic back and shoulder pain. He has had four operations in total with the most recent being in March and he's worse than ever.

He can only move a couple of steps without help of a walking frame, he sleeps for a maximum of two hours at a time but regularly goes 2-3 days without a wink of sleep owing to the pain. He's fairly depressed and made a couple of suicide attempts in my teens/twenties so I feel he's so fragile.

He's lost lots of weight in the past couple of weeks and has had a fairly sudden onset of urinary incontinence which is awful (he's struggling to change out of his wet things because of the mobility problems and by the time he's dressed he wets himself again .) We are off to the GP tomorrow to see if he needs any tests etc.

I know he's going to hate the idea as he's been trying to hang on to his independence, but I can't bear to see him struggle alone like this so I'm wondering what the care options might be for him.

Would he qualify (i.e is his condition bad enough?) and what options are there? If he went into a home could he move closer to me? I'm about 30 mins drive away but I don't drive and do full time shift work plus we've got two young DC.

I know nothing about these things and I feel all alone to make decisions - my parents are divorced and I can't even discuss my dad at all with my mum.
Any points of view or information will be gratefully received by me!

It really sounds like your dad a) needs a good MOT at the GPs to see what is going on with the incontinence and weight loss b)getting on top of his pain, probably with the help of the pain clinic (you may have to push hard on this) and c) an assessment from social services to look at his care needs.

At this point, it doesn't sound like he needs a care home as such, but maybe sheltered housing with a carer visiting.

He should be able to move areas - my grandparents were able to transfer from a council house on the south coast to 'old peoples' bungalow in Oxfordshire due to needing to be close to my parents. SS will be able to advise on the situation in that area

Sorry to hear about your dad.
Age UK has a useful website here with some factsheets that might help. I also think that the GP tomorrow might be able to point you in the right direction. I don't know if that is the kind of conversation you can have while he is there.
Sorry I cannot delete this bloody bracket on this shit phone![

He may be eligible to claim attendance allowance. It isn't means tested, but based on his need for help caring for himself. If he is getting that then it often makes getting other things easier.

Depending on the outcome of his gp visit he may be titled to a care package. This could be people coming in to help, sheltered accommodation or a care home. He (or you on his behalf) can contact social services and ask for an assessment.

I don't know how much you are doing for him. If or when social services do the assessment they should NOT assume that you will do more than you are able to/want to. You can asked for a Carers assessment in your own right.

Depending on the cause of his incontinence, it could he an infection?? But if it is going to be ongoing there may be practical things to help - he might find having a "bottle" nearby useful - you can get them in some pharmacies (may need to order) and a simple one doesn't cost much

Thanks all, will see how we get on at the GP tomorrow. Dad now thinks he must have prostate cancer because of the sudden weight loss and urinary problems

He has been discharged from the pain clinic as they have tried everything in the last few years and nothing relieves the pain enough for him to sleep. He has been on high doses for 30 years so is just immune now I think! We see the neurosurgeon again on Xmas eve but he's not keen on surgery again as the last one made him worse.

I think sheltered accommodation would be great for him, especially if it was closer to us. I will speak to him tentatively.

Is it best if the GP contacts SS re: care package or can I do it myself?

Thanks again