Dealing with Dad's GP (and Dad...)

[PterodactylTeaParty]

Loooong post ahead, sorry! My dad is only in his mid-60s, but there's clearly something bad going on with him that's affecting his ability to look after himself (so I hope it's ok to post here, it seemed like the best fit).

We've always been a pretty close family. Dad was kind, thoughtful, devoted dad and husband. Over the past 12 months or so, total, total personality change:

• Angry, bitter, verbally abusive to my mum, will rant at her for hours;
• Convinced he's broke even though he's not (working out his finances for him to show him he's not doesn't help);
• Impulsively spending the money he claims he doesn't have;
• Sleeps all day when he's not working, is awake all night;
• Lost loads of weight;
• Dropped all his hobbies, and most of his old friends (claims he never liked them at all anyway);
• Super-negative about everything ever. Will talk and talk and talk for hours about how his life is "totally miserable now" because of things like redecorating the bathroom 10 years ago (too expensive!) or buying us kids birthday presents when we were little (waste of money!);
• Can't concentrate on even a short conversation unless it's about one of the three things in the world he's still interested in;
• Forgets stuff (like birthdays, but also more worryingly like leaving his dogs in the car for ages after bringing them back from a walk because he forgot they were there, going out leaving front door unlocked and wide open because he forgot to close it);
• Barely taking care of himself in terms of washing, eating etc.

So I don't know what's wrong with him, depression, early dementia, some other big illness, whatever, but clearly something is. He doesn't think anything's up though - he thinks he's totally fine, and we all need to "see psychiatrists" to find out why we want to take his money and destroy his life!

I wrote to his GP a few months ago outlining my worries and giving examples. GP called my dad into the surgery on some pretense, then told him I'd written the letter (which I specifically asked them not to do, but... anyway). Dad came back from that appointment furious, says the GP told him he's perfectly healthy and has nothing to worry about. No idea how true that is.

Dad has now decided he wants to divorce Mum and sell the house. Me and brothers don't think he is capable of living on his own - he is barely looking after himself as it is, and he forgets to close the front door ffs, what if he leaves the gas on or something? Plus he's so irresponsible with money now that I'm seriously worried about his capacity to make big lifechanging financial decisions. Plus, obviously all of this is living hell for Mum.

Me and brothers don't live near them, but some/all of us will be there for Christmas. So we've thought about booking an appointment with Dad's GP (without Dad's knowledge) to say how worried we are about him, and how this behaviour is really really really uncharacteristic for him, which the GP maybe doesn't get (especially since Dad can probably bluff his way through a 5-minute appointment well enough that they won't see what we've seen, and will just think he's a slightly bitter old man).

Worth doing? Or not? I know the GP will be very limited in what they can discuss (but they can listen at least), and they can't force my dad to get treatment anyway. And the GP I wrote to, well... that didn't help. But I feel like we've got to try something to get a doctor to realise how very much not-right he is.

I feel so helpless, just sitting by and watching. I don't want to think I've overlooked any avenue to get him - and my Mum - some help.

I am sure your instincts, sadly are right.

I dont have a medical background but assume it could be all sorts of things. My dad became very odd and was then diagnosed with a brain tumour. I assume hormonal imbalances and a range of other things could do this.

Others will know more, but I would be tempted to phone the GP and ask to speak to him directly. So sad if there were a physical cause that could be healed. I would ask that he is given a full battery of tests including the standard mini-mental state test for dementia. You then work with your mum and the GP to see how you can get him there.

I would also speak to your mum and if she agrees your dad is a danger to himself and at risk of taking unwise decisions simply because his decision making capacity is impaired, I would phone social services and ask for an assessment. This is because ultimately SS can have his capacity assessed.

It sounds really really awful. Good luck.

I endorse what NMS is saying. When Dad's memory loss got more and more intrusive I had to face up to things and contact his GP (he's a widower). Eventually sure enough he was diagnosed with Alzheimers. However the practice were not happy to talk to me until they were sure who I was, so in my case I had to attend with Dad and get his permission for them to talk to me subsequently. Then they were only too relieved that i was on the scene as they had noticed he wasn't coping.
As your Dad is displaying such suspicious/ paranoid behaviour and ideas that could be tough. Maybe a plan would be to ask for his permission to go to the GP with him.If he accepts all well and good. If as sounds likely he refuses, then contact the GP with this information, describe his behaviour as you have above. There are various conditions which could explain this, depression and other brain disorders, but my guess is he he needs medical attention at this point.

I'm no expert, but I totally agree that the changes you describe in your father must be seen by a Dr. I think you should phone / write to the practice again, but this time someone go with your father, so that anything the GP says can be recorded.

GPs are very experienced in detecting Dementia and Alzhemier's, and may well have seen your concerns and felt he needed further assessment. However, since only your father went last time, all you have is his side of the story...and how receptive would he have been to being told he was showing signs of cognitive deterioration? The GP may well have said he was physically well, but your father may have decided to ignore any comments / recommendations about his mental competency.

Go back...and good luck. This is going to be tough, but with the help of the whole family I hope you get some answers and find a way of helping your Dad.

There's no way Dad will see the GP again, especially not with one of us there - he is so convinced that he's fine. He thinks we're just attacking and criticising him if we say we're worried, and it is impossible to reason with him. I tried to get him to see the GP just to get his blood pressure checked a while ago, but he just got angry and raged at me about "you're all trying to make me think I'm mentally ill!" So frustrating. I think at some level he does know something's wrong, and he's too scared and stubborn to face it.

I suspect you're right onlyfortonight, we only have Dad's side of the story of his GP visit and it might well not be the whole truth. I find it hard to believe the GP would have said "no you're totally fine, no problem at all" after a 10-minute appointment if they were worried enough about what I wrote to call him in in the first place, surely? He has never mentioned it to me (although he complained loads to Mum & brothers about me writing it) - if he does I'll suggest he goes along to the GP with me so the GP can tell me in person that Dad's fine. But I bet he won't, if the GP before did say anything he doesn't want to hear.

Will make a GP appointment in his name when I'm with my parents, see if there's any way at all we can get him to go along, then go along with brother if/when he refuses. I suppose even if the GP does know there's a problem and just can't do anything because Dad's resisting any treatment, it's useful information for them to know that he's got even worse since I wrote. Even if it's just an appointment where we talk and the GP doesn't say anything.

He so obviously needs help but he just can't see his own behaviour and situation clearly enough to realise it. We're also going to see a solicitor for a free half-hour to see if there's anything we can do to stop him spending all his and Mum's joint savings and selling the house, but probably there won't be much I suspect.

Argh, it's all just such a mess. Feels like we're waiting in limbo until something happens - either he starts getting better (we can hope!), or he decides himself to speak to a doctor, or he gets worse enough that he hits some kind of crisis and the decision's taken out of his hands.

PTP that sounds like a plan. Maybe there is a way to stop him being financially reckless, it may unfortunately involve getting him sectioned.

Which is where SS come in. It sounds like a bit of a sledgehammer but if you feel that either he or your mother are unsafe you should be able to ask them to assess.

This might include if he is making unwise financial decisions that might jeopardise their financial security. Or if he is in danger say by getting lost etc and could end up in hospital. If he has dementia which has not been diagnosed or noted this could well mean he does not get the care he should on a surgical ward.

As well as the GP you might talk to the Alzheimers Organisation helpline. They are very good and this sort of aggressive denial is not uncommon.

Even if it proves to be Alzheimers there are some good treatments. But the earlier the treatment starts the more memory and other functions can be preserved. Probably not an argument you can use with him, but a good one anyway and one which should help gain you family support.

If it is proved there is a problem you also need to get working on things like Power of Attorney quite quickly, whilst he still has capacity. Its a nightmare but easier if you know what you are dealing with.