How to have a conversation about getting help around the house?

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

My parents are 80- DF and 75 - DM. They live about an hour away from us and until recently have enjoyed good health.

DM has not been so well recently. She has some stomach problems and a bit of a health scare, so she is quite frail.

Their house is, at the best of times, not overly tidy. DH gets mild sneezing attacks set on by dust when we are there. However it is usually hygenic, if messy. I have inherited genes so DH is the tidier in our family.

DF does no little cleaning so it all falls to DM and I'm wondering if now is the time to suggest they might think of getting a cleaner in. They are not strapped for cash and have recently taken on someone to mow the lawn, but that was a DF job and outside the house.

I'm not noble enough to clean when I am there. I saw my DM and my D Aunt do it for years when my GPs were alive, even though they had full time jobs and other relatives were getting carers allowance for GPs. I hate cleaning ( we have a cleaner) so I am not noble enough to spend my weekends cleaning someone elses house, plus I think that DM would hate that.

Do you think I should have the conversation with them? DF has a computer, but is getting less IT savvy in his old age and might struggle to do a search for cleaners, or is it not my place?

I think you are perfectly right to have that conversation.

I think you need to think about if you will have it with both of them together or maybe approach your DF first along the lines of being worried about DM doing too much. If you get him on side it might be easier?

That is just a thought/suggestion as only you know how to play it.

Do you live near them and does your cleaner want more work? They might accept help if they are helping someone out and you know the person.

Or talk about how your friend's parents have a cleaner, you have a cleaner and so on. Make them think it's the normal thing to do for any age, not cos they are old!

No sadly pippop1, we are an hour away. Our cleaner is lovely, but it's too far for her to travel.

Yes that's a good idea, I could maybe mention that I was talking to my cleaner ( was off sick this week so had good chat with her) and how great it is to have a cleaner.

Magimedi - I don't know if talking to DF on his own would help as he doesn't really see the dirt IYSWIM, plus Mum is fiercely independent.

Talk of treating themselves to a cleaner? One of life's little luxuries because they deserve it after a lifetime of working hard? After all, she's done more than her share of cleaning in her life, looking after her DM...

I started the conversation by talking about my cleaner, how having her a few hours a week made all the difference to me. Then told dad that it was getting too much for mum to do, and a couple of hours cleaning would mean she could still potter around and do a bit as she wanted but the whole house was OK. It did take a bit of nagging as dad is so proud (mum has dementia).

Dad found someone through their carer, which was ideal, but if your dad is part of the community then asking for personal recommendation is best

Parsingfancy - talk of treating, would not go well unfortunately. They are generationally minded to believe that self indulgence is a bit of a weakness.

I'll big it up about ours I think. They are members of a bridge club and a Rotary type thing so they might know someone from there that has a person who helps.

Thing is they don't see themselves as old ! DM is in the knitting club and talks about giving the old folks lifts to places, even though they are within 10 years of age of her. I guess 10 years makes a big difference at that age.

Thanks all for the ideas, I'm seeing them on Sunday so I will update after. Any more suggestions on how to broach the topic welcome.

Can you put it to them about how they would be doing the cleaner a favour by helping someone to earn some extra money in this recession?

If they go to Rotary that's a charitable organisation isn't it?

It's a nice idea pippop1, but they arent overly charitable.

They are Torygraph readers and don't feel they need to spread their wealth, except to us a bit. They aren't actually Rotary members, it's a similar organisation for retired gentlefolk, but I just can't remember what it's called at the minute.

DM's feeling a bit better, both her and DF are mildly outraged that she has been referred to a consultant that specialises in the elderly ! I suspect that they will poo poo me, but maybe if I can at least try an inital discussion about it.

Thought I better update.
Apparently I had already spoken to DM about it, I must have mentioned it when i first came out of hospital. DF seems to be doing some of the cooking, so DM said that she is doing little bits when she feels up to it.

It seemed a source of pride to her that she was up to doing it and the house looked ok. They only really use kitchen/bathroom/bedroom and living room, so as long as she is happy then I will leave it. At least I have planted the thought in her mind and mentioned how great I found it having a cleaner, so it's something they may consider in the future.